I would say laugh, here, but they are dead fucking serious ... of course, that might make it funnier.
From the Mormons:
STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION
Mark E. Petersen
Council of the 12 Apostles
Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been,
both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.
This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You
must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision,
the problem will be greatly reduced at once.
But it must be more than a hope or a whish, more than knowing that it
is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your
mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any
tendencies which you may have and any temptations which may come to you.
After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific
guidelines:
A Guide to Self-Control:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during
normal toilet processes.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company
and stay in this good company.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same
problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never
associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't
suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will.
You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in
their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind.
The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where
it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more
wholesome things.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never
stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long
enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE
BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your
family present.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the
most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you
cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would
be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those
clothes. By the time you started to remove protective
clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your
thinking that the temptation would leave you.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed,
GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A
SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if
you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining
weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET
YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your
thoughts, so to speak.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your
problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a
thought, then an act."
The thought pattern must be changed. You must not
allow this problem to remain in your mid. When you
accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read
good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the
Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading
at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the
four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The
four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above
anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their
uplifting qualities.
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for
that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray
for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray
for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends,
your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT
MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT
IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!
---
