thank you Calandale. i've had a fear thing with rape for some time and anything rape related caused a panic reaction in me. someone mentioning it online... and i have a loathing toward rapists. just shut down and hate them, that's it. you've helped me see some grey shades in this. not that it excuses what you did but i somehow find this fascinating.
i read your links but i still don't know what exactly happened.
It's complicated. The short side, we were together, fucking
regularly. She managed to build things up and we both ignored
the signs of violence which were building up. All surrounding the
fact that we were supposed to become a couple, and I disliked
her - maybe even hated. When the night actually came, the thing
she had been saying she would unleash from me came out.
It wasn't what she expected.
But, from that point, our relationship became one of abuse. Maybe it
was earlier. It was hideous, in many ways. But there are things a miss
about it. Scares the shit out of me.
"Is she gone yet?"