ask soph anyfuckingthing

[renaeden]

Yeah the lines I did on my hand a couple months ago are still there, which surprised me as I did that with the pin on a badge as well and thought they'd fade away completely pretty quickly. I wouldn't have done them on my hand if I'd known. The ones on my arm will probably stay quite a while, one of them is wider than just a thin line, because of the way my arm was, so it sort of goes in more.

Yes, that is cutting. Sorry.

I wish I could talk about her to people IRL
I feel really bad about it really, especially after I first started talking to her family in October/November. I don't tell my mum about people online as she'd just think I was talking to creepy people and stuff (low awareness of danger from AS or whatever it is), but Sophie's family already knew about me and about Flo and things when they emailed me. I know it's stupid to feel guilty about, but I feel bad that I don't talk about her to anyone here, when she used to talk to them about me and things. She never even told me she talked about me to them so I didn't know. It looks like she's not important enough to me for me to talk about her to people outside of the internet, when it's obviously not that

I hope you do speak of her to others, I think you may find it a relief and I believe it will honour her. That last part is just my opinion.

[Soph]

Yeah I think it would too
People don't seem to understand though really
And I dunno what would be worse - not telling anyone about her, or telling someone and them not appreciating her

Also I haven't scratched my arms tonight 
Or drank alcohol (mainly becuase there is none though lol)

But still, tis good 

[renaeden]

But still, tis good 

I hardly knew Starbuline but I still thought she was a lovely person.
I feel I have gotten to know her better through you and I do appreciate that.

[Soph]

Thanks
I appreciate that too, I am glad at least one person thinks that - I know I can be annoying to some people becuase I obsessively post about her, but I think it's just because we were so close - I guess when you talk to someone about everything, you will be reminded of thins they said or did all the time. So when someone mentions something, half the time, the first thing I think of is something me and Sophie talked about related to it. I try not to post about her in every single post I make though - I probably could if I tried though 

And she was lovely, yeah
She was very sweet
And she helped me a lot, she still does when I read through things she said to me when I'm sad and stuff
People would like her if she was old enough to be on here
She was very dunk the night she joined and probably didn't make much sense to people
She still isn't old enough for another one and a half years

[Tristeza]

I wish you had someone IRL to tell.  I really do.  I've been thinking about this alot.   

[renaeden]

I wish you had someone IRL to tell.  I really do.  I've been thinking about this alot.   

Same.

[Soph]

Thanks. I wish I did too
I keep thinking how if I had Sophie here to talk to, it would be alright
But if she was here, it wouldn't be a problem anyway...

And I keep reading through my chatlogs
I think some of it's just making me worse though

25/06/2007  18:59:44  Starbuline  Soph  i know
25/06/2007  18:59:50  Starbuline  Soph  i'm only 15, almost 16
25/06/2007  18:59:54  Starbuline  Soph  too young of an age to die
25/06/2007  19:00:09  Starbuline  Soph  but i'm not sure i can make it through the summer if things keep going like this

25/06/2007  19:00:36  Starbuline  Soph  sadness and feelings of isolation and loneliness
 
25/06/2007  19:01:06  Starbuline  Soph  =/
25/06/2007  19:01:10  Starbuline  Soph  i wish i lived in england
25/06/2007  19:01:15  Starbuline  Soph  we could do stuff

It just makes me realise how much I fucked up
But I dunno what else to do anymore

[renaeden]

Moving to another country is huge. It is not something you can just go and do quickly. That is why I do not believe you fucked up. You did what you could and you were an awesome friend.

[Tristeza]

You have to quit blaming yourself for her decision.  I think that's part of your anxiety problem, your mind just goes in a loop over this one thing over and over.  My husband is the same way about stuff for which he feels to blame.  I think Zoloft would help you with this.

[Soph]

I've been thinking about trying Zoloft since last year
I want something anyway, anything. I don't give a fuck what tbh
I wish they'd prescribe me alcohol lol
Actually I just wish my mum would buy some more
Actually no, I wish I could get rid of my anxiety, find some ID and go to the fucking ALCOHOL SHOP opposite my house ffs 

It would have been massive for me to go to California
But I could have gone just for a week or something
Her dad told me how she kept saying how lonely she was
And even though her family did everything they could, she wanted a friend there with her
I was her best friend and whichever way I look at it, I failed her
And now everyone is suffering and there's nothing I can do to change it

[Soph]

She asked me about it in October
And then she made her decision a week before she did it (I think)
When she realised I wasn't going to help her

I wish I could just talk to her one more time
I can't stop thinking that maybe she didn't know
Maybe she was so depressed that she thought I didn't love her anymore and she died on her own without knowing that people loved her
I told her all the time but because I didn't mnow it was going to happen, I didn't tell her enough before she did i

[Soph]

And when she got suicidal one night, I didn't know what do do, so I tried to stay calm on msn but I panckicked and PMed calandale I think. But she didn't know I was panicking, and maybe she thought I just didn't care
That was exactly a week before she did it

[Tristeza]

Well, you can't do anything about anyone else's suffering - only yours.  And I think you should start beating yourself up over this.  Everyone who knows you knows that you were a good friend to her.  You have nothing to prove to anyone who matters.  So you are free to start bringing yourself out of this - it's time.  I think you're scared of letting go of some of it, because you might feel guilty when you do start feeling better.  My husband thinks the same way - that's why I can see this in you.  I hate it, because I don't want you to waste your life over this.

[Callaway]

I can't stop thinking that maybe she didn't know
Maybe she was so depressed that she thought I didn't love her anymore and she died on her own without knowing that people loved her
I told her all the time but because I didn't mnow it was going to happen, I didn't tell her enough before she did i

There is absolutely no way that she didn't know that you loved her, Soph.

[Soph]

And I think you should start beating yourself up over this.

You do?  lol

Everyone who knows you knows that you were a good friend to her.  You have nothing to prove to anyone who matters.  So you are free to start bringing yourself out of this - it's time.  I think you're scared of letting go of some of it, because you might feel guilty when you do start feeling better.  My husband thinks the same way - that's why I can see this in you.  I hate it, because I don't want you to waste your life over this.

Yeah, I want to get better becuase I hate this and I'm just making my family worry about me
But then I feel like she'd think I was forgetting about her or I didn't care anymore

She said once when she was really depressed that me and Michael probably didn't love her and only talked to her to stop her from killing herself because then we'd feel responsible even though we shouldn't

She knew we did love her though in the end, she was just really depressed
But she saId that we shouldn't feel we were to blame though
I just don't know how to believe it
I wish she' spoken to me one last time before she did it
I fucked up so much
I stopped her in May, but this time I messsed up - I think she thought I didn't want to help her the week before, and that;s why she didn't come and talk to me the day she did it I know everyone will just say it's because she'd already made her decision, but if I'd done things differently she'd still be here