I have been trying to pay the bills on my own, but its not in my power. I try and find a better job, all I get is call you back, and they don't. I tried a few times with no sucess. I am trying to find a room mate now because it appears safe for someone else now. I am starting to wonder if I am going to be in peace, because my rotten sister is going to start trouble for me. She wanted some other person to move in with me who also suited her needs, so I says "Hold on I know some people I used to work with". She acted like my mom, sorta paranoid and maybe even psychotic. It was actually kind of funny, I mean its more trouble for me, and all I can do is laugh because I cannot afford anymore. I had my my mom's boyfriend's son and his girlfriend going to come in, but my sister fucked that up. They just ran from their hotel, with its high prices, to get away from her. I know Jen was saying she wanted something better. Its better than that other girl my sister wanted to come in, and she is a fucked up druggy with a kid. The last time she was there, she rang up a phone bill with my sister, and that was the end of my home phone. I have not had a home phone for quite a few years now because of that. I still have no home phone, and I have people call my mom's house phone to get in touch with me. I will only tell jobs and doctors. This girl also made a mess when she hung around for a while, but maybe she has changed. This was when my mom got busted for selling drugs and was not around. Still I don't trust her, nor my sister. My mom makes me not trust also, but she has some solid ground even with her bipolar disorder and lack of meds. She won't take what she needs and complains its hurting her. She is experiencing lithium toxicity, I know this for a fact, but I am not 100 percent sure. I don't really see doctors or clinical social workers anymore myself either. I missed my cancer doctor's appointment, dermatologist, and I have no physican. My house is a mess, so I will go clean that later. Makes me wonder what a normal family is like, as almost everyone in my family is fucked up. My brother, mom, and I are the only ones half way decent. All this with my grandmother dying infront of my eyes, and me wondering if the doctors are doing a good enough job. Its happened before, medical malpractice. I studied stroke last night, and maybe they doctors are doing a half assed job or maybe not. The nurses are, and I wish so badly to mingle with my grandmother's condition. I just don't know if I can take looking at her anymore, when I know so much. I am no listened to. My mom and sister don't know me well enough, and that drives them to nuttyness. I don't wish to be treated as Aspergers syndrome. Please normal!
So this is what my mom does. Mom will all of sudden, start fights with everyone around her, and then when they defend themselves, its all "I am being hurt." I am trying not to laugh or get angry as its fuckn annoying. She is adding to my distress, which I am trying to slow down. I HAZZARD TO WONDER ABOUT JMAN'S EXPERIENCES WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER OR ANYONE ELSE'S ON HERE. I WILL NOT LAUGH AT YOU, BECAUSE I KNOW LATER I WILL REGRET IT. I UNDERSTAND NOW I KIND OF WORRIED ABOUT MY NEXT STEP IN LIFE SO THAT MAKES ME KIND OF INSENSITIVE TO THE NEEDS OF OTHERS.
