British Aspie site

[Tom/Mutate]

repeated for further attention -

I organised a meetup in Birmingham last year to go and see a film - the one with Signourney Weaver playing an Autistic person - 'Snow Cake'

It was showing at an arts cinema in B'ham called the mac (Midlands Arts Centre), which is a really nice place - not too busy, nice restaurent/cafe and bar - perfect for an AV meet in my opinion, as everything was there in the one place, no need to trek all over the place and cause additional stress

5 people from AV attended on the day; 3 to see the film and we had to meet up with 2 others all the way back at B'ham station as that suited them better

I met up first with a person called Philip at B'ham station (Philip the Great on AV)

I recognised him from some of the photos of previous AV meets

I said Hi to him and he said 'Oh, I didn't think it was you as you looked too old to be posting on AV'

How's that for an opening gambit! lol    Clap

I realised that he was displaying a typical AS lack of tact and so continued to give him the time of day but I was
VERY offended in all honesty - that totally crushed me!

I am always complimented on the very fact that I DON'T look my actual age (41) so this was totally new to me and therefore a real blind-sider

I had also recently split with my bf and was feeling somewhat emotionally fragile

I had HOPED that the meet would be an opportunity to get out of myself more and feel better.....

What am I meant to do?? - take it in good spirit but how can you carry on interacting in a totally natural way when a person has said somthing like that to you!?

Andrew turned up next - friendly bloke, touch of the 'Head Boy' about him tho, like he's really in charge, despite it being my f-ing meet and me already being pissd off about the Philip the Not So Great comment!

Taking into account as well that stations/anywhere in public really really stress me out so the longer we're hanging around there, the more my stress is going to build up

We waited around for Tom whose train/coach was late and this involved going out into B'ham to find somewhere to get a drink/something to eat while we waited for Tom to arrive

I would have been happy to sit at a cafe within the station but oh no, Philip wants to go out of station - see a theme developing here?

Then when we found somewhere there was further dithering about and we had to come out of there as Philip wanted somewhere to eat his sandwiches outside

Philip's main interaction with me appears to be a bemused/amused expression and taking the piss out of my Midlands accent, so that I get the distinct impression I'm not there as an equal person, just a figure of fun or something

Something akin to patting a small furry animal on the head and then going 'Anyway, so you were saying Andrew' etc

My tolerance was waning rapidly....

And Andrew seemed to be getting p-ed off with me getting p-ed off...

Which p-ed me off even more!   Angry

We finally met up with Tom at the station and got a taxi to the mac
(with hardly any time to spare I might add!)

We met my friend Lee there , as arranged

Now I could have just have got a lift with Lee to this place and saved myself all the hassle of faffing about with the other
2....

In fact, I'd initially arranged to just meet up with another Aspie friend and just us two go and see the film!
But in my infinite wisdom I'd decided to open it up to others on the AV board

My Aspie friend then decided he didnt want to come as he wasn't that comfortable in groups

I felt guilty about changing the arrangement and wished I'd stuck to the original arrangement to be quite honest
as he was good company

Lee didnt stay after the film and when i asked him after what he'd thought of my Aspie bretheren (as I thought he might possibly have AS himself) he said 'They were like a cross between University Challenge and Monty Python' (a reference to Andrew and Philip I might add as Tom had trouble gettign a word in edgeways with these two witterign on about their f-ing statistics!

I had to lol at Lee's assessment, but it made me think he prob doesn't have AS as he evidently didnt feel he had much in common with them.  I felt somewhat protective of them at this comment also tho - God knows why!

I also could have just gone home with Lee at this point but no, the masochist in me decided to soldier on....

Anyway, after Lee left, we had a drink in the bar there (and I mean A drink!)
I had alcohol, the other 3 had non-alcoholic drinks - I paid for the round

We never had another round.....

Apparently people were 'saving themselves' for the pub when we met up with the other 2 later

My meet evidently wasn't 'the main event' for them....

So we sit in the bar for a while and Andrew and Philip spend a fair amount of the time discussing stats regarding local councils, postal districts and crime rate statistics

I try to join in but it's pretty evident they arent that interested in my contributions

We did all converse with each other but there was a strong feeling coming off these 2 that they were finding each others' far better company than my own

The other member there was Tom, who is always good company imo  Smiley

I was getting decidedly pissed off that we werent drinking and no one else had even offered to buy another round

After an hour or so of this, we had to catch a f-ing bus all the way back into B'ham to meet Mike (another good friend of mine, good bloke, won't have a word said against him) and David1978 - a close friend of Andrew and Mike

And, get this - they have come in the f-ing car!
So would it have killed them to get in said f-ing car and drive to meet US at the mac, as the whole plan initially intended???

When we'd done more of the f-ing incompetent dithering that was becoming a distinct feature of the day, we eventually located them at the station

In fact, the meet should have been called Birmingham New Street Station meet as we spent most of out f-ing time at the place!

David doesn't greet me in a friendly way, he says hello warily, with a f-ing 'what have we got here?!' type hostile frown on his face and said frown is to be seen on his face whenever I glance at him - like im evidently not what he expected

Nice, tolerant attitude he had going on there...   Roll Eyes

I might add, that with ALL the ASers Ive ever met, ALL have been extremely tolerant and nice.  There's been the distinct lack of threat coming off them that I seem to feel when mixing with non-autistic people.

 This David is definitely a different flava of Aser tho......make of that what you will

...Oh yes, and he's self-diagnosed

So my ego and nerves are taking  a fair old shredding...

I'll do next part later - there's more!

[esme456]

See - Im always the one at fault, it's like people can treat me like shit but I must just tolerate it!  

Why is everyone else always so much better than me!?

[esme456]

Don't bother re-posting it

It's peoples' lack of appreciation for hat I do that really pisses me off

I mean Spag asks what happened, I tell him AT LENGTH and get jack shit response to it!

I give up with people - let them all think im a waste of space I don't care anymore!

[esme456]

But the idea of some kind of a 'recruitment drive' for your site looks a little ridiculous....

[Callaway]

But the idea of some kind of a 'recruitment drive' for your site looks a little ridiculous....

It's supposed to be ridiculous, if you mean the News Box.

I didn't know what to say about the Birmingham meet-up, but it must have taken a great deal of effort to do it.

Also, just because a person looks at you in a certain way, they don't necessarily mean what you assume they do.  You and I are not mind readers.  David could have been feeling shy and awkward or a hundred other things that were not negative toward you or how you looked.

[In The spaGhetto]

Hi esme
Nice pic! you deceived us with all this "ugly" talk. and i agree you don't look 41.

A few things occured to me reading your mini-autobiography - hope you don't mind me making some comments - this is also kind of advice to myself as I sometimes think in the same kind of ways as you've written about.

I met up first with a person called Philip at B'ham station (Philip the Great on AV)

I recognised him from some of the photos of previous AV meets

I said Hi to him and he said 'Oh, I didn't think it was you as you looked too old to be posting on AV'

I met philip at the meet on saturday. To be honest I thought he was a bit of nob as well, one of the only ones i thought that about, but not for the same kind of reasons.  He had a slightly irritating pathetic yet arrogant way about him that got on my nerves.
I honestly couldn't give a shit though, as I was just there to enjoy the day for whatever it turned out to be. But here's an example: when we arrived in greenwich people said they wanted to go for a picnic in the park as it was such nice weather. some had brought food but most hadn't so went to M&S to get some picnic ingredients.  Arrived at the park, he says that he didn't realise we were supposed to buy food so he didn't have anything to eat. Having ended up buying far too much food, and feeling charitable, I said he could share some of what i had. While everyone went off to sit on the grass, he announced that it was too hot for him and he didnt like sitting on grass so could we go and sit on a bench in the shade. Having offered food i had to join just  him and Paul (v nice guy)for a bit but felt i was missing out on chatting to the others so left him with some sandwiches and joined the rest. He didn't really bother to thank me.

How's that for an opening gambit! lol   

I realised that he was displaying a typical AS lack of tact and so continued to give him the time of day but I was
VERY offended in all honesty - that totally crushed me!

A similar thing happened with Punctual - she had wandered off and came back and said to Omega female "oh are you the only girl left with all these men?"  Susan, who was fairly short hair and who was also there looked pretty pissed off..(guess that proves theories about Omega's looks wrong..)

What am I meant to do?? - take it in good spirit but how can you carry on interacting in a totally natural way when a person has said somthing like that to you!?

Think " it's probably an aspie trait - (not just the tactlessness but having no clue about what age people look.)" or "that guy's an idiot"
then remind yourself of all the people who complemented you about how you look, the experience you've had that he hasn't, then forgive and move on

stations/anywhere in public really really stress me out

I would have been happy to sit at a cafe within the station but oh no, Philip wants to go out of station

Maybe Philip finds stations (incl the cafe) just as stressful as you do?

Something akin to patting a small furry animal on the head and then going 'Anyway, so you were saying Andrew' etc

He probably felt more in touch with Andrew being a more similar age to him and having similar interests..

Andrew.. touch of the 'Head Boy' about him tho,

lol, yes a bit, but i thought he was a very friendly bloke. Can't believe he's only 23.  I liked him



Re-read these:

despite it being my f-ing meet

I had HOPED that the meet would be an opportunity to get out of myself more and feel better.....

My meet evidently wasn't 'the main event' for them....

We never had another round.....

Apparently people were 'saving themselves' for the pub when we met up with the other 2 later

...

I was getting decidedly pissed off that we werent drinking

..
as the whole plan initially intended

It sounds to me like you built this day up, and the people going on it, *far* too much in your head.  I'm often guilty of this too, but seeing it written down makes it
jump out at me.

You wanted a day when everyone would follow your plan and you'd be in charge because it was your meet in your city.
Punctual did this last week also, wanting to give very specific advice and be the "tour guide" and the centre of attention.
But people just wanted to explore for themselves and get on with it.

If anything didn't go quite to plan you got upset and are now blaming them.  I do this also. I go out with people and even though there's a great film/gig/restaurant that i want to see on, and think everyone should go
the majority rule decides to go to some shit club/pub like we always do, and everyone except me is enjoying themselves, while i'm either banging on about how much better the other thing would've been or sulking and thinking "these people are too different from me. i should stick to my other friends who are more into my kind of things..(except it's then the same story with them)"

If instead you'd just relaxed and just gone with the flow without too much expectation you'd probably have enjoyed it more. But it's a tricky one.

And Andrew seemed to be getting p-ed off with me getting p-ed off...

Which p-ed me off even more!   

If you'd just chilled and said "what will be will be" everyone would have been less pissed off.

David doesn't greet me in a friendly way, he says hello warily, with a f-ing 'what have we got here?!' type hostile frown on his face and said frown is to be seen on his face whenever I glance at him - like im evidently not what he expected

this is *your* head reading between the lines and saying all this. He might just have that kind of expression. People tell me all the time i look pissed off when i'm not.

This David is definitely a different flava of Aser tho......make of that what you will

...Oh yes, and he's self-diagnosed

here we go again with the NT accusations..

I didn't really talk much to him so can't really comment much but you really have to show that you don't care and give people the benefit of the doubt.. even if they look like they're looking disapprovingly just pretend they aren't and act as if they were being friendly. This way you'll feel better about the interaction and chances are they won't feel so disapproving as they'll see that actually you're ok.

[esme456]

No, I meant that one minute im being asked how I find the site, next minute totally deffed out!

That's how it feels anyway

Lets all agree on one thing - i'm not really suitable for this site am I?  Lol

[In The spaGhetto]

I mean Spag asks what happened, I tell him AT LENGTH and get jack shit response to it!

here you go again assuming the worst.

patience woman! it takes a while to respond to such a lengthy rant!

[Calandale]

Lets all agree on one thing - i'm not really suitable for this site am I?  Lol

As long as you speak your mind and aren't easily offended, you are.

[duncvis]

Lets all agree on one thing - i'm not really suitable for this site am I?  Lol

thats up to you really. considering we don't have a problem with gobshites, I'd say you are if you drop your guard slightly for your own enjoyment. your call, but you're more than welcome to post here...

[Callaway]

No, I meant that one minute im being asked how I find the site, next minute totally deffed out!

That's how it feels anyway

Lets all agree on one thing - i'm not really suitable for this site am I?  Lol

Sorry, I don't know what this means.  Would you mind explaining it?

[Callaway]

David doesn't greet me in a friendly way, he says hello warily, with a f-ing 'what have we got here?!' type hostile frown on his face and said frown is to be seen on his face whenever I glance at him - like im evidently not what he expected

this is *your* head reading between the lines and saying all this. He might just have that kind of expression. People tell me all the time i look pissed off when i'm not.

This David is definitely a different flava of Aser tho......make of that what you will

...Oh yes, and he's self-diagnosed

here we go again with the NT accusations..

I didn't really talk much to him so can't really comment much but you really have to show that you don't care and give people the benefit of the doubt.. even if they look like they're looking disapprovingly just pretend they aren't and act as if they were being friendly. This way you'll feel better about the interaction and chances are they won't feel so disapproving as they'll see that actually you're ok.

You said this a lot better than I could, Spaghetto. 

 

[esme456]

I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions Spaghetto and thank you for the analysis of things - I find it very helpful

I know a lot of this stuff is me reacting in the wrong or an over the top way and so I often think oh well Im evidently just not a 'group person', but every so often I give it another go and this sort of thing happens lol

I only posted my photo a) because you had and b) to show that I don't look my age - in case people doubted this
part of the story

Then it was like absolutely no posts were received except Cal's

So I thought - oh God, they think I look so awful they dont even want to talk to me any more!

[Callaway]

I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions Spaghetto

I only posted my photo a) becasue you had and b) to show that I don't look my age - in case people doubted this
part of the story

Then it was like absolutely no posts were received except Cals

So I thought - oh God, they think I look so awful they dont even want to talk to me any more!

I think you look nice, Esme.

[esme456]

Thanks Callaway, I certainly didn't want attention, just a sort of exposure therapy ie to see if I could cope with my photo being up there

My heart was beating very fast when I posted it lol