I'm a boneheaded dork.
Speaking of calls ...
My older son, who I only met this year, called me this morning. We talked for almost an hour. He said a lot of things like that he wanted to call me on Christmas and New Year's, but was afraid that he would be interfering or butting in.
We talked about a week before Christmas and I had expressed how my wife and I were keeping Christmas for the young kids and not doing anything for each other.
I have no idea why I did not think of him at that time, during THAT conversation, but I did not. I think of him as a grown up (he's twenty nine, now). I should have at least called him during his stressful time, dealing with his own families' Christmas times, which were quite a mess from his description.
I feel like such a fucking heel. Why didn't I call him?
I tried to explain that he can always call me anytime, because he is part of my family, too, but my actions tell another tale. WTF is wrong with my brain? A simple two minute telephone call could have meant a lot to him. Of course, I thought about him, but "did not want to interfere" with his plans either.
Now I find that I misjudged.
Bonehead, dweeb, moron, socially inept fool am I!
He seemed OK and glad to talk, but timing is important, too and I feel His making the effort instead of me shows his strength and my weakness.
Don't be so hard on yourself! You just learned of his existence and your just starting to establish ties and BUILD a relationship. He hasn't been a part of your established routines. I doubt even an NT would have taken this as well as you have. Your trying, thats what counts, I'm sure he's feeling just as muddled as you. So stop kicking yourself, it's going to take time and I'm sure he will be glad for the effort and so will you. Just be honest with yourself and him, and stop apologizing or dwelling on it. Give yourself a break.
Parts of my mind knows that you are right, but most of this new life "style" is still fucking raw and oozing from a painful loss of time that I can not even begin to describe.
It's like every moment with him has taken on a severe urgency and if I lose one more chance then any other, future chances will be gone as well. I have only a single thread to hold on to, over a chasm of old bloodflow, where there should have been a massive bridge that nothing could tear down. I have missed so much, but my priorities have to be to the younger ones. I'm not sure I can ever help the older one, but I have a chance to help the young ones.
I have to keep my course. It is nearly impossible to not be distracted by this whole thing.
I know you are right.
This is just an objective viewpoint on my part. I can't imagine what your feeling or going thru right now. This is something that would boggle my mind as well. Callaway offers a good suggestion. Be honest with telling him what your feeling, I'm thinking that he might share the same feelings or confusion that is roiling thru your mind right now. You can probably help him in more ways than you can imagine right now.
Be patient with yourself, you can't build a bridge in one day. Yes, I also agree that your little ones in your own family are the priority. At the risk of sounding like a cliche, "whats done is done", "You can't undo the past", yadda yadda yadda, thats enough for now! Just don't let the past fuck up the present!
Peace
This is a genuine truth nugget. I can do more in the present than in the past. Thank you. Simple logic.
I can not even begin to describe to anyone this trauma. I have begun to love and care for young ones at a time when I could fully appreciate the gravity of my every movement. These two kids have made me a better man. This man of my begettings, who I have only met once, has drawn things from me that I have only heard of in story books. He has created feelings in me that I have no previous reference to align with. I am literally beside myself in this relationship. It is possibly more than I can handle. I am doing my best, though, and so is he. We are both "feeling our way" as we go forward.
To Callaway's suggestion ... this was also my instinct. I have always beeen totally honest and we set up a time to talk every other week. We have been doing that since the early summer and a few off schedule times as well. We even set up a second meet=up, but it did not happen, due to other people being involved( his fiance). A secoind meet=up is going to happen very soon, when he can meet his half sibs, but for now, we are abiding our times and looking forward.
Callaway, yes, I told him that I was feeling that I might butt in to his lifetimes if I called at random. I am still sure that I could have brought him a needed distraction if I had only called. Phoning is not my thing though. I have a terrible time on the ophone. those who know me seem to understand this. He does not yet know me well. He may not understand, since he spends most of his days responding to phone calls at work.He has either learned to deal with it or has not as much of a processing problem from a little tiny speaker positioned well outside of the
real world.
