Shit's going down. I haven't been around, 'cause I've been busy in my town. Now its time to let loose before they bring out the noose and fry my goose.
Seriously though...Holy Fucking Christ is there going to be a showdown at my place of employment. A couple of weeks ago I officially became a whistleblower, as the leaders in my division are redirecting FY09 funds to tasking for which it was not appropriated for, which is against the fucking law. On top of that, they want us to put in our FY10 budgets a 5% tax on our sponsors, but we were told we cannot disclose this to them, which is again fucking illegal. So after listening for months to half of my organization cry about it and how they knew it wasn't right and shouldn't comply with management, I finally registered under the No FEAR Act and filed a fraud complaint. After talking to the investigators, they assured my anonymity and protection against reprisals. At a meeting today when management again asked for everyone to provide funding codes for them to spend on from each of the programs, it was all I could do to bite my tongue and not blurt out, "No! It's fucking illegal!" In the coming months, the OSC will be investigating with their lawyers and it will get ugly. It doesn't help that the money is going to pay the salary of the guy who tried to get me fired just after my one-year probationary period expired back in 2003. While this is not a personal vendetta and purely about ethics and the law, I am sure this will be brought up when it surfaces I was the one who blew the whistle. And this is only half the story.
Today, just before leaving work I received an e-mail containing some new policies for employees mostly concerning privately owned vehicles, but also the use of say iPods while walking or jogging on the "campus". Until now, you weren't allowed to have headphones on while walking along roads, but now you can never have them on, even if you are out on the soccer field or trekking through the woods. That pisses me off, but is not even why shit is likely to go down next week. One of the new policies about POVs is that we cannot display lewd, offensive, yadda, yadda bumper stickers. So I wonder who decides what is offensive. I am offended by "Real Men Love Jesus" and "His Pain Your Gain" and "One Nation Under God" and "Marriage = <stickman> + <stickwoman>" so on and so forth. Are they going to make people remove those bumper stickers when I am confronted about my "Have you forgotten Jesus? Maybe It's About Time You Did!" and "He's Your God, They're Your Rules...You Burn In Hell" and my Darwin Amphibian Humping a Jesus-Fish placard and so on and so forth?
Let's get one thing straight. I am a big believer in freedom of religion and freedom of speech. I prefer the George Carlin Single Commandment: "Keep thy religion to thyself!" I could care less how another person chooses to live their life and what they believe in. However, when someone's religious beliefs result in the suppression of someone else's rights, whether it be freedom of religion, equal rights regardless of sexual orientation, etc. then that religious belief can no longer be tolerated by a governing body. Believe what one wants, but to prevent another from pursuing their freedoms, etc. and you cross a line. To make a long story slightly less long, I placed many of my anti-Christian bumper stickers and placards on my cars after the citizens of my state voted in 2006 to add bigotry and hatred into the state constitution defining what marriage was and removing all legal rights from any non-married couples, including opposite sex life partners, which is befuddling on its own. It was the political and financial backing of right-wing religious nuts who have turned this country into a hate-filled land of bigots. All in the name of their religion. It makes me sick!
While I do believe that the planet would be better off if religion was removed from the consciousness of society, I still have no problem, as I stated, with individuals believing in whatever deity, savior, demigod, prophet, etc. so long as that belief doesn't infringe on the same rights of others. I know plenty of people who are really good, respectful Christians who couldn't care less what us Atheists, Agnostics, and other non-Christians believe. My gripe is with the political and financial organizations, and their backers, who promote and enact these clearly unconstitutional laws. But I have not spent the last 25+ years being told I was a Satan worshipper, a hate-monger, pure evil, the anti-Christ, etc. whenever I simply expressed my non-belief in deities or refusal to recognize them, etc. to get to a point where I am going to give up that right to my religious expression and freedom of speech now. I won't do it! I can't do it!
So I am researching anti-discrimination law and the ACLU and plan to contact local and/or other media outlets in preparation of what will come next week. Part of the policy encourages other persons to report violations, so someone is going to complain about my bumper stickers. It's just a matter of time.
On top of this, my supervisor's boss has taken up issue with my appearance and other oddities. She said I "embarrassed her!" What the fuck? What reasoning can she possibly come up with that gives her the justification to claim to be embarrassed by my personal, non-work related actions and appearance. Since I was diagnosed with Asperger's, I absolutely refuse to remove my hat and sunglasses or very expensive Transitions prescription glasses when I am exposed to lighted areas. I can't function in not-so-well lighted rooms, so I sure as hell can't in fully-lighted places. I live in the dark at my desk and at home. Fuck...I wear my fucking sunglasses at night when I am outside, because of street lights, car headlights, etc. I've been doing this long before I even heard of Asperger's.
Fuck fuck fuck!!!!!
In addition to this shit, a few weeks ago I was walking in a crosswalk heading into a store when a woman pulled out from one of the parking rows and turned right without looking my way, accelerating rapidly, finally seeing me, and then screeching to a halt a mere 4 inches from my legs. As I continued to walk towards the store, trying not to let my extremely pissed off mouth start going, this woman had the fucking audacity to roll down her window and start swearing shit at me. I fucking lost it. Why can't people get it and leave me the fuck alone? I was the one who should have been screaming at her. After flipping, I turned around and let out some "How dare you!" and "Fuck yous!" in her direction, but even then managed to turn back around and finish my verbal assault walking away from the woman. I can't handle these situations and I know it. That is why I do everything I can to avoid interaction with the general populace. Unfortunately, I keep pissing people off for reasons I do not know or understand and when I try to continue on and walk away without getting into it, they keep coming after me, like I'm some kind of magnet for their ego-maniacal bullshit.
Anyway, to relate this to work...the next day I found out my ID card was corrupt and I couldn't access my computer, So I went to the ID office and asked if I could get it reset, which only takes a few minutes, since the information is already in the computer system. The woman working the ID machine said I had to make an appointment and that they were currently booked more than three weeks out. Without your ID, you cannot log onto your computer. Any computer. Essentially that means you can't work. So I rolled my eyes and said "That's ridiculous!" and turned and walk away, but as I did so I said, "I guess I'll just go sit on my ass all day!" Not directed at the woman who was just doing her job, but at the situation. The incident the previous night in the parking lot had me on edge. Normally such a small frustration would only lead to a rolling of the eyes and me muttering inside my own head a bunch of shit. Well, the kicker is that my supervisor's boss happened to be the person this woman was helping at the time. I would never have known, because I don't look at people's faces and pretty much always have my eyes down for gaze avoidance and light sensitivity. Needless to say, she told my supervisor how embarrassed she was, which from what I have gathered is nothing but one of her usual drama queening of issues to her subordinates to guilt them and make them more uncomfortable about stuff so they'll do her bidding. My supervisor, as well as some others, have expressed issues similar where her reactions seem to be overblown for the situation. For those that don't know, the word "ass" is now profane language according to her. So you better watch your tongues.
Also, my wife has been a real bitch. What else is new? Last month I watched the kids for 3-1/2 days while she went to Toy Fair with her mother and sister. When she got home she spent the next 72 hours bitching me out for how "filthy" the house was. No appreciation for dutifully giving her a few days off. Her mother even tried to get her to calm down before they headed out back to their homes. The house, in everyone else's opinion looked fine. The toys were cleaned up. The counters were clear. The dishes were all done. It's not like the kids and I trashed the place and left all of our stuff out or anything.
She is also calling me more and more often while I'm driving or at work and in meetings to ask questions like "What are these toys stacked against the wall in the laundry room?" She knows what the fuck they are...TOYS! They were stacked on top of the dryer, but way off to the left so she could have access to do laundry. I had bought them the previous day, but did not get a chance that evening or the next morning to inventory them before taking them down to the basement with the rest of my collection. Doing so can screw all of my spreadsheets up. That morning I made several conscious decisions before I left for work. First off, my wife wasn't feeling well, so I completely took care of the kids in the morning and let her stay in bed. They had no school due to the snow, so I thought it would be nice. Second, I waited for her to wake up and come downstairs of her own accord, even though I was ready to go to work and really needed to get some hours in because of the snow day Monday. Finally, knowing I couldn't take the toys downstairs yet without completely screwing up my processes, I neatly stacked them out of the way so she could go about her business as usual. Instead, she calls me up at work in a bitchy tone and asks me a stupid fucking question. This is just one example of her bullshit.
The 2-1/2 year old is going through separation anxiety, which is really a pain in the ass at night when we try to get her to sleep. As part of the new ritual to help get her into bed, I and I alone have to read to her and rock her in the rocking chair for about 10-15 minutes before even trying to convince her to get into bed. Then a game of "I need my <insert object or abstract item>" goes on for at least the next 30 minutes Some times it is "I need my light on!" Then the next time it will be "I need my light off!" Then "I need a sip of water!" So on and so on and so on. Well, the baby has been sick the past two weeks, which is where my wife got it. So last night I am asleep with my CPAP machine going, making it difficult for me to hear the baby upstairs if she wakes up crying. The CPAP is for my sleep apnea and I sleep on a couch due to back problems and the fact my wife snores and steals the covers, yet complains when I bring my own separate, non-tucked in blanket or sheet to the bed. I also cannot sleep under covers that are tucked in at the foot of the bed. I always pull them out in hotels and anywhere I sleep that is not my couch. In "our" bed, I only pull out my half of the sheets. Or at least I used to, which pissed her off and has been a topic of many tirades from her. I think I got off track a bit, so let me get to the point. I am asleep and apparently the baby woke up coughing and crying. So my wife gets up and tried to calm her down and at some point has lost it and starts screaming at the baby, which woke me up. So I look at the clock and hear a very loud, "Shut your fucking mouth Molly!" Followed shortly by a louder , "Shut your goddamn mouth Molly!" A few minutes later the baby is calmed down and everyone seems to go back to sleep. So that morning my wife says something to me insinuating what an awful human being I am, so asked her about her screaming at the baby that night and pointed out that while she was tired and sick, she still is not justified screaming at my child like that. It's bad enough she does it to me on a multi-time per day basis. I was very calm and said so in a way to imply that she needed to just watch herself better and I didn't call her any names or tell her how awful of a mother she is at times. I really just wanted her to recognize she was out of line with the child and to try and be conscious of it in the future. Well, do you think she saw any error in her ways? Hell no! Not only did she justify her actions, she laid into me about what an awful husband I was for not coming up to calm the baby down so she could stay in bed in the first place. After reminding her about the CPAP machine, which I need to use because I otherwise stop breathing several times an hour when I sleep, plus never would make it past stage 2 sleep, and how I never heard anything until she started screaming at the child and then a few minutes later all was quiet and I never heard anything else, she still said it was my fault.
This woman is fucking nuts! She has never admitted doing anything wrong...ever! In fact, she claims she never says the words "I'm sorry!" because she never is. Whatever she does or says, she claims it is completely justified, no matter the situation. I know I have my issues. With the AS and OCD and ADHD tendencies that go along with it, I can be a bit much. But I actually take pride in honing up to my mistakes when I let a situation get me all discombobulated.
I hate my job! I hate my wife! But I love my kids and would never leave them or walk out on my responsibilities to provide for them. As the only bread winner in the household, all of the burden is on me. I know people are far worse off than me, but I don't deserve this shit. My wife still complains about all of my mom's stuff in the garage, which I have very directly explained to her really upsets me, because she died in late October and it has been too cold to go out and get things better organized to take some of it to charity and what have you. Like I am so loving having to deal with all of that, as well as my mom's $40k debt that the creditors won't leave me alone about. Forget grieving or at least reminiscing about her. Argh!
Sorry to rant so much, I just have so much I need to get out. I should probably try and come on more often again so it doesn't build up.
