Author Topic: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex  (Read 2401 times)

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Online Genesis

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #45 on: July 01, 2019, 06:59:13 PM »
I'm on a setup called a Supplemental Income. I can't balance more than $2,000 per month because of disability.

I can get off of it if I wanted... it's just I don't have a safety net, or backbone to move forward to yet. I'm stuck as a janitor at a big box store for the time being...

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #46 on: July 01, 2019, 07:01:04 PM »
I live with my parents, and its the only affordable option right now.

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Offline Tequila

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #47 on: July 01, 2019, 07:01:22 PM »
If you didn't spend all your time masturbating and developed a modicum amount of social skills, you would have sex. Fuck relationships, just keep it casual. Your parents want to keep you from having it.

Oh god... you're using the science of deduction method on me. Fucking hell -_-

In a little while, I will have an awesome time. The main point is that you're frustrated. If you were easygoing and you hung around women - and not like a bad smell - you would get laid. You can't be friends though. Friendly, yes, but not friends. A lot of it is about being oblique.

Offline Tequila

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #48 on: July 01, 2019, 07:06:36 PM »
I live with my parents, and its the only affordable option right now.

That's really the issue. Your parents won't let you. The best time of your life will probably be when they are dead. Don't tell them that, but if you're an only child you want the house.

In a bit, I will have my own house and during the day I can make as much noise as I like. I am a bit confident as well. Not over-confident because it is trouble.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2019, 07:32:26 PM by Tequila »

Offline Tequila

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #49 on: July 01, 2019, 07:23:13 PM »
If you didn't spend all your time masturbating and developed a modicum amount of social skills, you would have sex. Fuck relationships, just keep it casual. Your parents want to keep you from having it.

The masturbating man is a beautiful thing and I won't stand for anyone criticizing it.  :zoinks:

Have at it, Gopher Gay. :P
« Last Edit: July 01, 2019, 07:28:49 PM by Tequila »

Offline sg1008

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #50 on: July 01, 2019, 08:17:51 PM »
Overthinking things, feeling guilty- these could be signs of anxiety. Having guilt-ridden ideology drilled into your head certainly can feed anxiety like kindling to a flame. Getting away from the source of that ideology which is keeping you from loosening up might be your best option. If you cannot move out of your parents house, perhaps you can find a way to spend more time away from home. Go out and do things- go to parks, go have a drink at a bar, go to the library, go to a friends house, go to an icecream parlour, etc.

In the meantime, save some money for a future down payment on an apartment. There are options to look for low income housing, if you need help finding resources I can try to help. Your best bet might be to ask a librarian, or a case worker if you have one.

Since moving out might be a faraway deal, for now make a goal to spend more time away from home doing something new, or something you enjoy. When you are at home, create a space for yourself where guilt is not allowed. Could be your whole bedroom, or part of your space (like a bed or desk or closet. Or even a chair.) Be in that space each day and do some mental exercises that help with anxiety (journaling, creating art, deep breathing, mindfulness, etc). Heck, write affirmations to yourself if it helps. "I am a grown, sexual, and independent human being...etc".
Can't you guys even just imagine it?

Forget practicality, or your experience....can you just....imagine?

It's there. It always was.

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #51 on: July 01, 2019, 08:37:37 PM »
Overthinking things, feeling guilty- these could be signs of anxiety. Having guilt-ridden ideology drilled into your head certainly can feed anxiety like kindling to a flame. Getting away from the source of that ideology which is keeping you from loosening up might be your best option. If you cannot move out of your parents house, perhaps you can find a way to spend more time away from home. Go out and do things- go to parks, go have a drink at a bar, go to the library, go to a friends house, go to an icecream parlour, etc.

In the meantime, save some money for a future down payment on an apartment. There are options to look for low income housing, if you need help finding resources I can try to help. Your best bet might be to ask a librarian, or a case worker if you have one.

Since moving out might be a faraway deal, for now make a goal to spend more time away from home doing something new, or something you enjoy. When you are at home, create a space for yourself where guilt is not allowed. Could be your whole bedroom, or part of your space (like a bed or desk or closet. Or even a chair.) Be in that space each day and do some mental exercises that help with anxiety (journaling, creating art, deep breathing, mindfulness, etc). Heck, write affirmations to yourself if it helps. "I am a grown, sexual, and independent human being...etc".

I'll plan my next solo trip then.

This is a message board, not a ouija board  :zombiefuck:

Offline Tequila

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #52 on: July 02, 2019, 12:18:02 AM »
The parents are the problem. Past the age of around 18 to 20 you should absolutely be having sex unless there are special reasons involved.

You need to move out to your own place and be independent - no support workers. If they get aggressive, it's dangerous. Don't show them IntensitySquared, it's private. Your parents would monitor the boards and berate you. People on the outside will help. Start looking at changing your GP to one not connected to your parents or relatives and get yourself off any drugs they put you on.
« Last Edit: July 02, 2019, 01:57:01 AM by Tequila »

Offline Minister Of Silly Walks

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #53 on: July 02, 2019, 07:31:51 PM »
Gen, are you getting the impression that girls react negatively to you?

You are a giant ranga (that's what we call redheads here). And girls are usually very intuitive, most will pick up very quickly that you are a bit different. I've seen your photos, you are not ugly or unattractive, it's not that.

If you have anxiety issues about your lack of intimate experience, how girls perceive you, your attractiveness, your body language, all of those things, then that is going to impact on how you relate to people and further compound whatever issues you are having.

I will now go into "relationship coach" mode. If you don't want me as your relationship coach, please feel free to tell me to fuck off.

Don't worry about first impressions. They don't matter, and you will probably misread whatever first reactions you get from people anyway. I know it's difficult when you meet someone for the first time and they give you a dirty look or they turn their nose up. That can just be defensive behaviour.

In 2001 I was sitting outside at a pub in Europe with a bunch of other expats, some were IT workers like myself and some were English teachers. Now a few years earlier I had made a conscious decision to be less self conscious and to actually make an effort to talk to people regardless of how I felt they might react. A girl joined the table with a few other people, she was attractive and a lot younger than I was and she was from New York and she was LOUD. She said something interesting and I asked her a question. She just turned around and looked straight at me and said (loudly): "you know that I'm never going to sleep with you, right?". I just told her that I knew that she was an attractive young woman but the world is full of attractive young women who won't ever sleep with me, and I'd rather sleep with someone closer to my own age anyway. Anyway, to cut a long story short, despite getting off to a very weird start that I could have taken in a negative way (but chose not to), we became good friends over the next few months and that progressed to a romantic/intimate relationship that only ended (eventually) due to the tyranny of distance.

And I'm not trying to brag about my shagging exploits or anything like that (maybe a bit). I'm just saying that you need to STOP stressing about the small stuff. And stop stressing about the big stuff. Are you good at socialising with girls? If not, then that is a good place to start. Get used to just talking to people, asking leading questions, being a good listener, not oversharing.

Do you know why relationships just kind of happen to most people? Because social skills come more naturally to them. They meet and interact with people and they make connections and things tend to progress towards relationships and intimacy from there.

This is also why relationship advice from most people is so useless. Because they are speaking from a position of having those basic innate social skills and taking them for granted.

One of the best things you can do is to just learn to be friendly to people who don't like you and who act like they don't want to interact with you. Someone ignores you? Just be friendly and ask them how their day is going. Someone snaps at you, make a point of saying something friendly to them a bit later. Conscious efforts to do these things is required.
“When men oppress their fellow men, the oppressor ever finds, in the character of the oppressed, a full justification for his oppression.” Frederick Douglass

Offline Tequila

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #54 on: July 02, 2019, 09:52:16 PM »
She just turned around and looked straight at me and said (loudly): "you know that I'm never going to sleep with you, right?". I just told her that I knew that she was an attractive young woman but the world is full of attractive young women who won't ever sleep with me, and I'd rather sleep with someone closer to my own age anyway.

The problem's her.

I said the problem is the parents. Proper advice, autism community. Good to go. The parents are the problem.
« Last Edit: July 02, 2019, 09:54:32 PM by Tequila »

Offline Tequila

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #55 on: July 02, 2019, 09:56:04 PM »
This is also why relationship advice from most people is so useless. Because they are speaking from a position of having those basic innate social skills and taking them for granted.

Because they don't want you actually having sex. That's why they give you bad advice.
« Last Edit: July 02, 2019, 10:06:10 PM by Tequila »

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #56 on: July 02, 2019, 10:46:00 PM »
Gen, are you getting the impression that girls react negatively to you?

You are a giant ranga (that's what we call redheads here). And girls are usually very intuitive, most will pick up very quickly that you are a bit different. I've seen your photos, you are not ugly or unattractive, it's not that.

If you have anxiety issues about your lack of intimate experience, how girls perceive you, your attractiveness, your body language, all of those things, then that is going to impact on how you relate to people and further compound whatever issues you are having.

I will now go into "relationship coach" mode. If you don't want me as your relationship coach, please feel free to tell me to fuck off.

Don't worry about first impressions. They don't matter, and you will probably misread whatever first reactions you get from people anyway. I know it's difficult when you meet someone for the first time and they give you a dirty look or they turn their nose up. That can just be defensive behaviour.

In 2001 I was sitting outside at a pub in Europe with a bunch of other expats, some were IT workers like myself and some were English teachers. Now a few years earlier I had made a conscious decision to be less self conscious and to actually make an effort to talk to people regardless of how I felt they might react. A girl joined the table with a few other people, she was attractive and a lot younger than I was and she was from New York and she was LOUD. She said something interesting and I asked her a question. She just turned around and looked straight at me and said (loudly): "you know that I'm never going to sleep with you, right?". I just told her that I knew that she was an attractive young woman but the world is full of attractive young women who won't ever sleep with me, and I'd rather sleep with someone closer to my own age anyway. Anyway, to cut a long story short, despite getting off to a very weird start that I could have taken in a negative way (but chose not to), we became good friends over the next few months and that progressed to a romantic/intimate relationship that only ended (eventually) due to the tyranny of distance.

And I'm not trying to brag about my shagging exploits or anything like that (maybe a bit). I'm just saying that you need to STOP stressing about the small stuff. And stop stressing about the big stuff. Are you good at socialising with girls? If not, then that is a good place to start. Get used to just talking to people, asking leading questions, being a good listener, not oversharing.

Do you know why relationships just kind of happen to most people? Because social skills come more naturally to them. They meet and interact with people and they make connections and things tend to progress towards relationships and intimacy from there.

This is also why relationship advice from most people is so useless. Because they are speaking from a position of having those basic innate social skills and taking them for granted.

One of the best things you can do is to just learn to be friendly to people who don't like you and who act like they don't want to interact with you. Someone ignores you? Just be friendly and ask them how their day is going. Someone snaps at you, make a point of saying something friendly to them a bit later. Conscious efforts to do these things is required.

I tended not to smile in High School. People kept asking why... and I wasn't honest about that... so my "friend" said people were afraid of me because I always looked angry.

I didn't want to smile because my teeth were so bad... They were so fucking crooked it wasn't even funny. My anxiety and body language makes it obvious that there is something wrong, and people tend to steer away from me because of it.

Most excuses I get is "I like you as a friend" or "I don't want to hurt you"

I'm fine with that... but it's not often clear.

I think it's how I present myself that sets them off...

This is a message board, not a ouija board  :zombiefuck:

Offline Tequila

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #57 on: July 02, 2019, 10:54:22 PM »
Unless you're trying to fuck a 13-year-old (in which case the local police want a word), don't call them girls. They're grown women.

Don't care too much about what other people think. A bit, not much. Bit of confidence.

Offline Minister Of Silly Walks

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #58 on: July 02, 2019, 11:20:23 PM »
Sheila is the preferred term around here.

Are we allowed to say girlfriend or should it be womanfriend?
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Offline Tequila

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Re: The Unnecessary Casanova Complex
« Reply #59 on: July 02, 2019, 11:22:24 PM »
As long as it's not too sexist and doesn't infantilise them, you're fine.