We got engaged (a week give or take IIRC) after meeting, it was an instantaneous and deeply mutually loving pair-bond. And she just this...this EFFECT on me, powerful as hell, like nothing I've ever known. We were going to get married once she was legal. Just this overwhelming instantaneous on-sight pull, or at least once she had finished bodyslamming me into a tree and spleenraping me even more stunned than her physical impact with her tongue down my trachea
She then told me her name, we exchanged contact details and it just evolved as naturally as a struck match evolves a flame when used to set a molotov cocktail on fire and it be thrown into an erupting natural gas well. Cazz, she was...is....she is like nothing else on earth. A sheer, ineffable force of nature unto herself. A beautifully classically autie, smart, funny, warm, loving, woman with a body to live, die or even kill for and a mind heart and soul to match all rolled up into a petite brunette curvy unit with the sexiest flappy, stimmyness you could imagine, a kinda spazzy voice that just electrified me from the moment I first heard her speak her name and first few words to me (after the tongue-based endotracheal intubation she decided to run over to me, knock some guy senseless for delaying her by trying to talk to her, then stun me in just about every way at her disposal)
It just went on from there, A parting was its own limbo and being reunited, the way she would call my name out from the far, far far away end of a busy high street and us call to each other and run full pelt like a pair of cannonballs straight into each other; spinning each other around in our arms and squeezing to help cancel out some of the momentum and draw each other close to one another, the way we'd kiss with sheer delight at seeing one another's face smiling and her not giving the slightest iota of a flying fraction of a femtofuck about social conventions, and everybody just better get the hell out of the way, because there was a cazzie storm hitting the area with bugger all warning for anybody bar the two of us (and occasionally her mom knowing after she introduced me, taking me home with me wrapped around her, I presume she might have told her mom she was off to see her fiancee after that first my heart in my mouth meeting, dressed as I was like a goth rocker, with a lot of black leather, metal plates, steel spikes, the spiked collar around my neck, with her darling little autistic daughter
)
But, she was, it seemed wary at first on her part, which is fair enough for a lady of her age bringing back a guy much older, wrapped up arm in arm like xmas wrapping paper in tightly snuggled up-print, and my introduction, and then our heading straight upstairs to her bedroom, with her daughter's newly met fiancee.
Whenever we got to spend time together, be it in a howling gale, with us having to hold on tight to each other round a lamp-post, to both avoid being physically blown over, since that day it was kicking off one helluva shitstorm weather wise, there was FIRE between us, flashing in our eyes, and even in bitter cold, we'd keep one another warm as we could physically, and of course, revel in our being there together with ourself.
She did look kinda young, but still, cute as cute can BE without imploding in a storm of energetic charged particle winds and creating a localized aurora. What we had with each other was uncanny almost, it was just INTENSE, the kind of thing that would make drawing one's head back at night and howling at the moon feel perfectly natural and everyday a thing.
There was, it has to be said, something elemental, primal about the way she was towards me from the start. She did not give a FUCK if somebody disapproved, as long as they didn't get in the way, and she wouldn't treat them too forgivingly either, although for a first offense they generally just ended up on the floor groaning, because she was NOT going to take 'no you two can't and won't be together' for even a thought let alone a verbalized suggestion. Knowing her as I do, I could easily picture her tearing someone in half had they ever committed a second offense. And not impossibly, eat them. Raw and still screaming and trying to get away as she carved the steaks for a romantic dinner off the bugger
And as for hot and steamy, you bet it got that. Some of the things I had to, gently as possible tell her I COULDN'T do at that specific time because fr.ex we were at a train station in the middle of the day and she wanted me to do certain things that would have led to jail time had they been witnessed. Her and that pretty smudged downwards black smoky eyeshadow and eyeliner, done in sideways barbs etc....oh...my....GODS!!!
She was just her own force of nature, as incontrovertible and irresistible as the strong and weak nuclear binding forces, electromagnetism and gravitation are to a pair of subatomic particles making up a portion of the same, unified atom. There was a power of sorts thast positively radiated from her, like heat from a blazing inferno at the very moment of impact of a bolt of lightening, like charged plasma balls making the hair on the back of my neck dance to her every breath and move. And that was just WALKING TOGETHER, arm linked in arm.
I wouldn't, out of respect for her, even attempt to describe what the steamier, hotter moments were like or the form any of them took. Only that in writing this reply, the window closed and I had to dig it out of the cache. SHE probably did that...this computer just couldn't handle the sheer dynamic fundamental physical and psychic force she projected. And the window died, had to dig through and unclose loads of tabs before finding it and digging it out of the cache.
I bloody know cazz did that, a mere computer isn't sufficient to handle such as her like. Nor is this fucking planet. All I can say is fucking christ on a unicycle, without a seat, stuck up his bum on the damn cross, her flapping, rocking, stimming, the way her voice fired my nervous system up like being plugged directly into the energy burst from a multistage hydrogen bomb yet without harm done to us, it was unspeakably powerful, ineffable, and absolutely beautiful. Not to mention sexy as Fuck.Ing.Hell.
She is just....her. And that is more than enough. More than someone can stand close to and not be flattened by the sonic boom in her wake. Hell this laptop didn't even want to hold the webpage open until I dug it out again kicking and howling and straining at the silicon chips like a werebeast on a chain struggling to burst out and fry itself crispy as a mosquito in a microwave.
And I do not for a second joke when I say that I FELT her looking my way before I ever saw her, and way before I had the slightest inkling what she was about to charge into me and DO. Gods no, I hadn't the foggiest that one was coming, not for a picosecond, not until I felt the thud of my back meeting a tree at high speed and her tremendous momentum hit me like a fucking thunderbolt hurled by Odin himself. Shit no did I ever. But far from wanting to press charges or even raise a word of complaint, I just sank into what she did next and never again rose until the next time tongues met tongues and flappy-handed squeezes met flappy handed squeezes and the background heat well nigh got close to starting to cause the wallpaper, if we were in her bedroom or mine to start taking fire and crisping up at the edges.......just sheer existence in her presence alone was intoxicating. The most wonderful, beautiful intense thing I have ever felt in my life. EVER. And never again has anything, of any kind ever been THAT intense. Not love, not sex with a gf later in life after our unfortunate parting (long story and totally fucked)
I've never felt its like before or since. And unless we ever meet again and become one whole greater, larger organism again, I know I never will.
I don't give a damn about her calendrical age, thats just a number of years. What MATTERED was her happiness and fulfillment of her wishes, what was important was that she, we, were happy, more than happy. Elated just at the mere prospect of being together again approached us in time and space to become that single unified soul.
I don't know, and with very very few exceptions I don't think I even COULD date again. Not after that. Because what could BE that potent and powerful....what force, what power could equal that of her being filled with delight. To me, nothing. And I can't be with somebody I can't give 100% to, for anybody WORTH being with is intrinsically worth my all, everything, without reservation and without anything hidden between the lines. And she still has that deep, deep part of me she touched locked away. And I don't, anymore. So my all, is not mine to give. Because ALL is no longer there to be given. Its hers. I've tried, and its always failed. I haven't tried since in a long, long time. Its like she was too potent a living force, and a part of me burnt out when torn from one another. One stupid and probably would have been fixable at the time, ended up compounded by the perfect storm of factors outside either of us resulting in loss of ability to contact each other.
Ever since, I've been a shadow of what I once was and who I once was. We should by now have been married, perhaps kids. They'd be just about into secondary school if we'd have had kids that soon. And fucking hell I wish we had our wedding, and bound ourself even tighter to each other, if that is even possible.
The things she could do, just a look, I swear, would burn you alive if she didn't look away fast enough, like a nuclear firestorm.
What a woman. A special, speshul, primal force of love and wonder, that defies my even shaping it in my own mind to its fullest extent, without her there. Just...unique. They definitely broke the mold, ground it to dust and scattered it to the four winds when they made cazzie. Now SHE is a lady. And one that the very best of people would do well to strive towards, although impossible, being in even the slightest way alike unto. The very air that I breathed, just knowing she was breathing it too (and often at the same time
)was like the very life-force that animates a being and makes the difference between light and darkness, hope and despair, living and non-living. If there ARE such things as deities, shit I think I met one.
