GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Punishment

What's another pun among comrades?

You win the Red Star.

What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.

*groan*

I bet you were rushing to make that post.

I wanted to putin the effort.

[odeon]

I'll be the only one left when the revolution comes.

Punishment

What's another pun among comrades?

You win the Red Star.

What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.

*groan*

I bet you were rushing to make that post.

I wanted to putin the effort.

[Queen Victoria]

You'll be like a LP record revolving around and around.

I'll be the only one left when the revolution comes.

Punishment

What's another pun among comrades?

You win the Red Star.

What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.

*groan*

I bet you were rushing to make that post.

I wanted to putin the effort.

[Queen Victoria]

An oldie, but a good one.

There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890s whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.

But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

[odeon]

Is that the same as being a spin doctor?

You'll be like a LP record revolving around and around.

I'll be the only one left when the revolution comes.

Punishment

What's another pun among comrades?

You win the Red Star.

What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.

*groan*

I bet you were rushing to make that post.

I wanted to putin the effort.

[Queen Victoria]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

[Queen Victoria]

You win.  Your prize is a knitted meatball with crochet spaghetti

Is that the same as being a spin doctor?

You'll be like a LP record revolving around and around.

I'll be the only one left when the revolution comes.

Punishment

What's another pun among comrades?

You win the Red Star.

What are Russian coffee shops called?
Tsarbucks.

*groan*

I bet you were rushing to make that post.

I wanted to putin the effort.

[Queen Victoria]

Books to the ceiling,
Books to the sky,
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them!
How I need them!
I'll have a long beard by the time I read them.

[Queen Victoria]

Game Show Gaffes
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ' J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: In olden times,! what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

[Queen Victoria]

Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn’t return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.

"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I’m locked out of the house."

 

[Queen Victoria]

Have you heard that Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce?

Yes, it's very sad, but Mickey went to see a divorce lawyer and explained what was
going on and why he wanted a divorce.  The attorney was shocked and told Mickey
that he would have to do some checking and for Mickey to come back in a week. 

The following week Mickey showed up and the attorney told him, "I've been
investigating your allegations and I don't think that you can prove that
Minnie is crazy." 

"Crazy?" Mickey asked.  "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

[Queen Victoria]

A wee bit old, but still funny.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
       HUSBAND WANTED!
       MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
       MUST NOT BEAT ME,
       MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
       AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
       ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Queen Victoria]

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

[rock hound]

Doctor:  When did you last have a stress test?

Me:  Well, I went to work last night!

[odeon]

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.