GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

A guy goes to a hooker and asks her about her rates.
"Well", she says, "basic service is $25. The 'Pink Panther' is $50. And if you want something really special, I can do you 'The Penguin' for $100."
"Hmmm, that sounds interesting", says the guy, "Allright, I'll go for 'The Penguin' ".
The hooker loosens his belt and pulls his jeans down to his knees.
"Money first", she says, and he brings out his wallet.
The hooker takes his money and just walks away.
The guy runs after her with his pants down.  "Hey! where are you going?"

[Queen Victoria]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. 
He asks, "What for?"
She says, "I want to kill my husband."
He says, "Sorry.  I can't do that."
She reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

A kid walks into a brothel and says "I want a hooker with VD".

The madam asks why.

The boy says "so I can give it to the lady next door, she'll give it to her husband, he'll give it to my mum and she'll give it to the milkman. And that's the bastard who ran over my bike".

[Queen Victoria]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children began discussing the dog's duties.
 "They use him to keep crowds back, "said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.  "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[DirtDawg]

Argon walks into a bar and orders a beer. the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve noble gasses in here" argon doesn't respond.

[DirtDawg]

Life is all about ass.
You're either covering
it,
laughing it off
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
behaving like one,
or you live with one!!!

[Calandale]

You left wiping and medicating off.

[Queen Victoria]

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.

They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.

The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."

"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Mary Katherine from the convent."

[Queen Victoria]

One morning Emma woke up with a start.  Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

[Queen Victoria]

The rabbi dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the Sabbath day.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."

[Queen Victoria]

The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

[DirtDawg]

"If three people have sex, it's called a threesome. If two people have sex, it's called a twosome. What I do not understand is why people see me and call me handsome."

 

[Queen Victoria]

"If three people have sex, it's called a threesome. If two people have sex, it's called a twosome. What I do not understand is why people see me and call me handsome."

 

May I steal that for my facebook joke?

[odeon]

"If three people have sex, it's called a threesome. If two people have sex, it's called a twosome. What I do not understand is why people see me and call me handsome."

 

[DirtDawg]

"If three people have sex, it's called a threesome. If two people have sex, it's called a twosome. What I do not understand is why people see me and call me handsome."

 

May I steal that for my facebook joke?

Yes you may, with my compliments.