GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Lestat]

You really set yourself up for  it,  so don't blame me....

And I thought you just had disgusting table manners.....

[Calandale]

I like chocolate milk in coffee. More than regular at least.

[Queen Victoria]

What's the technical term for a cup of coffee at work?




Break fluid.

[Queen Victoria]

It Was So Cold that

We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!

The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!

Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"

Richard Simmons started wearing pants!

A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!

Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!

The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence! I chipped a tooth on my soup!

My Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands! The dogs were wearing cats!

Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

People with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!

Terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!

Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!

The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.

We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.

We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!

When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!

Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!

The dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!

Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.

We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!

The Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started!0

When we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place

[Queen Victoria]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven."
 
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
 
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

[Queen Victoria]

Since tonight is the longest night of the year, here are some jokes to keep you laughting tonight and warm on the inside.

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?… He was feeling crummy.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?… Frostbite.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?… A cookie sheet!
How do snowmen travel around?… By icicle!
How does one snowman greet another snowman?…. Ice to meet you.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?… Answer: Brrrr- itos.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?… Cold cash!
Where does a snowman keep his money?… In a snow bank.
What is the snowman’s breakfast?… Frosted flakes!
Where the snowman does dances on?… A snow ball!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?… Snowflakes!
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?… The letter “D”!
What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?… Chill out.
What does Jack Frost like best about school?… Snow and tell.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?… Do you smell carrots?
Knock Knock…Who’s there?… Snow… Snow who?… Snow business like show business !
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?… She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?… Ice caps!
What’s an ig?… An eskimo’s home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?… Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?… Snowballs!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?… A snowball!
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?… You wake up wet!
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?… Frost bite!
How do you call an Eskimo cow?… An Eskimoo!
How do you scare a snowman?… You get a hairdryer!
What’s a good winter tip?… Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?… A puddle!
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?… An ice burger with chili sauce.
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?… Auld Fang Syne!
Why are there only snowmen and not snowwomen?… Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
How do Eskimos make their beds?… With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter?… They wear snowcaps.
What did the snowman say to the customer?… Have an ice day!
What do you call a slow skier?… A slopepoke!
Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?… Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
Where does a polarbear keep its money?… In a snow bank!
What do you call a snowman in the desert?… A puddle!
How does an Eskimo stick his house together?… With igloo!
Knock, knock!… Who’s there?… Snow… Snow who?… Snowbody!
What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?… Polaroids!
Why did the snowman want a divorce?… Because he thought his wife was a flake
Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?… When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?… The outside!
What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?… Leeks!
What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?… “Dam!”
What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?… Cold cream.
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?… no eyed deer.
What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?… The crack of dawn!
If you live in an igloo, what’s the worst thing about global warming?… No privacy!
What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?… “Want to go for a spin?”
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?… A receding hare line.
Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?… They’re both below C level!
What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?… “You hang around while I go on ahead.”
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?… One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Where do seals go to see movies?… The dive-in!
What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?… Owlgebra.
What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?… A nervous wreck.

[Queen Victoria]

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

[Queen Victoria]

Happy Christmas Eve.  (I think the second one is the best)

Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
A: RUDEolph.

Q: What is the best work union in the world?
 A: The reindeer union. Full pay, food, housing and only need to work one night a year.

Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
A: This will sleigh you.

Q: Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
A: Because he didn’t want to be recognized.

[sg1008]

It Was So Cold that

Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!

Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.

These ones made me chuckle. :]

[Queen Victoria]

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and asked 'What do you want for Christmas?'
'Something for my mother, please,' replied young lady sweetly.
'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa.
'What do would you like me to bring her?'
Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, 'A millionaire son-in-law.'

[Queen Victoria]

Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly.

As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"

Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people star asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want."

So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!" he thought happily.

As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!" Santa rushed around a corner to hide.

"It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa
thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.

Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"

Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"

The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?

[Queen Victoria]

We had some stormy, gusty weather overnight, so:

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning.
In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor.

A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt.

She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
“It was the most amazing thing … it was the most amazing thing.” she kept repeating dazedly.

“What was the most amazing thing, Ma am?” asked one of the rescuers.

“I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn’t suddenly drain away.”

[Queen Victoria]

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! “Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like this.
“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
“Idiot”, he shouted, “I dropped you at the hotel !”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He shouted again, “I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car.”!!

[Queen Victoria]

An executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"

[Queen Victoria]

Sunday's joke posted a bit early.

My girlfriend had just wrecked her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to emerge from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police officer arrived.

“My Goodness!” the police officer gasped, “Your car looks like an accordion that has been crushed by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, thank you officer, I’m fine” my girlfriend replied.

“How did this happen?” asked the Police Officer as he surveyed the wrecked car.
 
“It was the strangest thing!” my girlfriend began. I was driving along this road when this tree jumped out on me. I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …”

“Madam”, the officer said, cutting her short, “There are no trees for 20 miles on this road. That was your air freshener going back and forth!”