GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Jack thought it was funny. Honestly don't know how I manage to be me. In the last year, have trained four people at work and every one of them asked multiple times, how do I remember it all? Little do they know I regularly get lost, and will probably be one of those old people who needs a tracker in case I happen to wander off.

Start training a guide dog?

[Jack]

Jack thought it was funny. Honestly don't know how I manage to be me. In the last year, have trained four people at work and every one of them asked multiple times, how do I remember it all? Little do they know I regularly get lost, and will probably be one of those old people who needs a tracker in case I happen to wander off.

Start training a guide dog?

Or a bloodhound to find me.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

I have no sense of direction and I often find myself hopelessly lost. As I've gotten older I get lost less often. Part of it is having a route-finding app on my smartphone. Part of it is knowing that I get lost easily and making a mental note of things like landmarks and turns.

[sg1008]

I have no sense of direction and I often find myself hopelessly lost.

When I read that, I thought you were talking about having no sense of life direction, and being hopelessly lost in your life, and I was really concerned and actually thought "awwww I'm so sorry".

[Queen Victoria]

Jack thought it was funny. Honestly don't know how I manage to be me. In the last year, have trained four people at work and every one of them asked multiple times, how do I remember it all? Little do they know I regularly get lost, and will probably be one of those old people who needs a tracker in case I happen to wander off.

Start training a guide dog?

Or a bloodhound to find me.

 

[Queen Victoria]

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

[sg1008]

A fellow walks towards an ATM to get some money, and notices a man already standing there. He waits for the guy to finish his business, but the guy at the ATM is doing a weird thing standing on one leg, with the other up in the air at an angle, like a stork or something. The fellow calls out to the man "Hey man, what are you doing?" And the man at the ATM, standing on one leg, replies, "I'm checking my balance".

[Queen Victoria]

 

[Queen Victoria]

Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?

A: A zebra!

[Queen Victoria]

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.
“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said.
“You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”

Ole said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.
The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”

Again Ole replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Lena, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?”

Lena replied, “Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today.”

[sg1008]

 

[Queen Victoria]

Two prison inmates were standing in the cafeteria line getting lunch...

One inmate said to the other inmate, "When I was governor, the food was much better!"

[Queen Victoria]

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

[Lestat]

LOL...my old man just took a first mouthful of his morning coffee. And gagged, went into the kitchen, tipped it straight down the sink.

He'd accidentally picked  up the jug full of chocolate milk I'd made by using a part-full milk jug to tip in a full tub of cadbury's hot chocolate mix into cold milk, put the cap on and shook the fucking shit out of it until the bits all got bashed smooth.

Making for a slightly chunky chocolate milkshake, full of little tiny bubbles of chocolatey goo on the outside that burst open in a 'fwoof' of chocolate powder when they pop. It gives it a really nice texture. He accidentally poured a load of that into his morning mug of coffee.

Serves him right. He drinks  instant for one. And puts milk in it for another.

Instant is foul and rancid enough. But milk in coffee or tea, that is definitely NOT squeebles-ey. Ew. That is just rank.  One might as well shove a coffee enema up one's arse, drink a milkshake, then go suck the clotted coagulated casein chunks out of  one's own brown-stuff as  drink coffee with milk in it.

Or, as I'm for some weird reason, reminded for the first time ever since hearing the foul-mouthed little sod who said it, say it, to 'go suck the milk from your mother's poo'

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

^ Oddly enough, at least some marsupials consume their mother's poo as their first meal. Due to their being born before gut bacteria have had a chance to develop.

I had goat curry for lunch, it was really good.