GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Signs That You're Drinking Too Much Coffee;

  * Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  * You answer the door before people knock.
  * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
  * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet
    away without using the timer.
  * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  * You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before
    realizing it's not plugged in.
  * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  * You ride an exercise bike to work.
  * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  * You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
  * You help your dog chase its tail.

[Yuri Bezmenov]

I always liked the one: you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine... while it's running!   

[Jack]

  * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
 

Chocolate covered espresso beans can be dangerous.

[Queen Victoria]

I always liked the one: you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine... while it's running!   

 

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

What goes black white black white black white red red red red?





A nun in a blender

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

A woman goes to see her recently deceased husband at the funeral home. Wiping away tears she says to the funeral director "I so wish he was wearing his blue suit rather than the black one. He always looked so handsome in his blue suit".

The funeral director says "Give me 5 minutes" and wheels the coffin into another room.

He calls out a few minutes later and says "Come and take a look". And there is the woman's husband wearing his blue suit, while in a coffin alongside is another man wearing the black suit.

The widow says "how did you switch their suits so quickly?" and the funeral director replied "it was easy, I just switched their heads around!".

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.

At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".

[Al Swearegen]

A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.

At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".

That was pretty lame, dispshit

[Queen Victoria]

What goes black white black white black white red red red red?





A nun in a blender

I remember that one from the 1960's when I was in Catholic school.  Good to read it again.

[Queen Victoria]

A woman goes to see her recently deceased husband at the funeral home. Wiping away tears she says to the funeral director "I so wish he was wearing his blue suit rather than the black one. He always looked so handsome in his blue suit".

The funeral director says "Give me 5 minutes" and wheels the coffin into another room.

He calls out a few minutes later and says "Come and take a look". And there is the woman's husband wearing his blue suit, while in a coffin alongside is another man wearing the black suit.

The widow says "how did you switch their suits so quickly?" and the funeral director replied "it was easy, I just switched their heads around!".

Is there a word for something between a groan and a laugh?  Because that's what I did.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.

At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".

That was pretty lame, dispshit

 

I'm easily amused.

[Al Swearegen]

A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.

At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".

That was pretty lame, dispshit

 

I'm easily amused.

Yup a gopher, some duct tape and a tube of KY gel and you are all set for a fun afternoon. I get it

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

A 7 foot tall man went for a job as a lifeguard.

At the interview they asked him "can you swim?". He replied "no, but I can wade out a pretty long way!".

That was pretty lame, dispshit

 

I'm easily amused.

Yup a gopher, some duct tape and a tube of KY gel and you are all set for a fun afternoon. I get it

And a snorkel. The gopher complains if I forget that.

[Al Swearegen]

I give it 6 months before you move on to wombats

[Queen Victoria]

Meanwhile, back at the Funny Farm:



This year I decided it was about time for me to get in shape and lose weight. I joined a gym and made an appointment with Walt, a personal trainer.

One day I found myself reclining self- consciously on a machine with my feet set to press on a weighted platform.

“Do you wear those shoes often?" Walt asked.

“They're my best running shoes!" I declared, dodging the question.

He scrutinized them closely, then asked, “Are those cobwebs on them?"