GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[renaeden]

You can ghey me too, Calandale, if you want.

[Queen Victoria]

There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle. His servant came up to him and the captain said, "bring me my red shirt".

So, the servant did as the captain said.

After that the servant came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt"?

The captain said, "Well if i get shot they won't see the blood.

The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, "There are 50 ships on the horizon."

The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."

[Calandale]

You can ghey me too, Calandale, if you want.

For trying to amuse?

[sg1008]

I told the loudest state one to a kid (8yrs), he liked it a lot.

[renaeden]

You can ghey me too, Calandale, if you want.

For trying to amuse?

For telling a really bad joke!

I was told it as a kid and I laughed myself silly.

[Queen Victoria]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

(Note - I'm not really a fan of dumb blonde jokes, but I do like it when the blonde isn't really dumb.)

[odeon]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

(Note - I'm not really a fan of dumb blonde jokes, but I do like it when the blonde isn't really dumb.)

[Queen Victoria]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

(Note - I'm not really a fan of dumb blonde jokes, but I do like it when the blonde isn't really dumb.)

Glad I could tickle your funny bone.

[Queen Victoria]

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

[Queen Victoria]

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets"! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window."

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

(Aside - 7Up is a lemon-lime soft drink in the US just in case you asked)

[renaeden]

We used to have 7Up here a few years ago.

[Queen Victoria]

What is a cat’s favorite song?









Three Blind Mice.

[Queen Victoria]

Q: How are men like coffee?

A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

OR

Q: How are women like coffee?

A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

[Queen Victoria]

A little boy accidentally wandered into the ladies' dressing room at a fancy swimming resort. The entire room of women began shrieking and scrambling to cover themselves with towels.

As he stood in the middle of the commotion, the kid asked, "What's the matter? Never seen a little boy before?"

[Queen Victoria]

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?