GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[odeon]

 

Love that one.

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

A man walks into a pet shop and asks for a goldfish.

The employee asks him "would you like an aquarium?".

The man replied "I don't care what star sign it is, just give me a goldfish!".

[Minister Of Silly Walks]

I almost witnessed a murder yesterday.

But only one crow showed up!

[Yuri Bezmenov]

I almost witnessed a murder yesterday.

But only one crow showed up!

[Yuri Bezmenov]

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because there's no dental records and the DNA is all the same.

[Queen Victoria]

A young teenager was on her first babysitting job to earn money. At bedtime, she sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and sat down to watch television. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the babysitter was firm that he should go back to bed.

At 9 pm, the doorbell rang and a woman asked if her son was there. The babysitter responded “No”, and began to close the door. Just then a little fellow appeared at the spot and shouted, “I am here Mummy but she would not let me go home!”

[Queen Victoria]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

[Queen Victoria]

A new marine Gus was on sentry duty at the main entrance. His orders were clear – no automobile was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army truck came up with a general seated in the back. Gus said, “Hold on!, who goes there?”

The driver, a corporal, says, “General Carson.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”

The general said, “Drive on!”

Gus said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”

The general again said, “I’m telling you, corporal, drive on!”

New marine Gus walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new on this duty. Do I shoot you or the chauffeur?”

[Queen Victoria]

At court:

– Mr. Wrot Chukamot, why didn’t you pay your cell phone bills for a year?

– Your honor, I immigrated to the United States because I was told this country is committed to free speech. How can I pay cell phone bills if I know we have free speech here?

[odeon]

ˆgroan

[Queen Victoria]

ˆgroan

What did you expect from a clean joke?  Proufound humour?

[odeon]

ˆgroan

What did you expect from a clean joke?  Proufound humour?

Yes please.

[Queen Victoria]

It may not be profound, but this one will require some thought.

 
After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.  Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

[odeon]

 

[Queen Victoria]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. “Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”

The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”