GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Lestat]

(told me by somebody else)

What do you call a paki on the moon? a problem. What do you call two pakis on the moon? a problem. What do you call 20 pakis on the moon? still a problem. What do you call 100 pakis on the moon? a big problem. What do you call 1000 pakis on the moon? a really big problem. What do you call all the pakis on the moon?

Problem solved.

[Queen Victoria]

This is a long one from the blog of a Mennonite pastor's wife.  She collected a series of You Know You're a Pastor's Wife When.  I know some here are not religious, but there is humour in her posts and some can be imagined in your marital relations.


You know you're married to a principal/pastor when:
1. You know at least three people who are afraid of your husband and shouldn’t be, and three more that aren’t, but you wish they were.
2. You can call his name and he doesn’t hear you, but if you say, “Mr. ___” you instantly have his attention.
3. You keep a coleus plant for years so he can demonstrate photosynthesis in science class every year.
4. Half of your living room furniture disappears before Christmas, along with your husband’s bathrobe and 4 dish towels. Then you go see the Christmas play and see all your missing items onstage. If it’s The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, you also see the ham you had put in the freezer for Christmas dinner.
5. You tend to have your babies in late spring, about 9 months after the most stressful time of the year.
6. You’ve been in groups where everyone was discussing a situation, and you knew more than anyone, but you couldn’t say a word!
7. When it’s snowing and your husband says, "Oh, it’s not that slick out there, I think we can have school!" And you remind him there are 16-year-olds driving their younger siblings to school.
8. You have a section in your recipe notebook for how much pizza and pop to buy for honor roll suppers, and which flavors.
9. You have another page for how much hot chocolate to send along on sledding days.
10. You have another page for how much food each family needs to bring for the Christmas program.
11. You’ve driven a van full of wild children to the museum, the mountains, the woolen mills, the newspaper printer, the waterfalls, and convention, if you use ACE.
12. You know which students cheat and lie.
13. You’ve put the children to bed by yourself on Saturday nights.
14. Within reasonable limits, you’re willing to be embarrassed for the sake of a good illustration.
15. You’ve had young adults come up to you and say, “I would never have graduated if it hadn’t been for your husband.”

When I put the question on Facebook, here were some of the answers. The discussion veered much more toward pastors' wives than school administrators'. I could relate to many of them.

1.  You're expected to do a hundred jobs for free, because your husband gets paid or even partially paid for being pastor.
2. You're expected to teach children at church and fill in for anyone absent.
3. You hear the sermon multiple times before Sunday.
4. You make sure the back of your head looks ok because 98% of the congregation is behind you.
5. You're distracted by the message because the Pastor is so attractive.
6. You have the preacher read his scripture passage to you on Saturday night just to make sure he knows how to pronounce Ai.
7. When you had unexpected guests for Sunday dinner!
8. You are typically the last ones to leave church on Sundays and the hours are definitely not 9-5!!
9. Need to be ready for guests any moment of the day.
10. Every spring and fall you host the visiting evangelist for a week in your home.
11. You've left in the middle of the night to go be with someone.
12. You cut short your family vacation and return home early because of a death in the community.
13. You've mastered the skill of acting surprised when hearing "news" that you were told earlier in confidence.
14. You pay careful attention to the sermon, lest you get tested on it afterwards.
15. You raise your family on the front pew at church. Ideally, they should be well behaved, but you feel like you’re providing circus entertainment.
16. You spend time Saturday making sure everyone's Sunday clothes are in order.
17. If having your husband sit beside you during an entire church service is next thing to a date!!
[I would add to this: If you like going to funerals because it's usually just you and your husband in the car.]
18. When you're living in a parsonage and have a borrowed goat staked out in the front yard to trim the grass... but he gets loose and eats the church-owned snowball bush down to the ground.... and your very pregnant self tries to drag said animal away from the devastation... all the while sobbing about the damage... and potential repercussions...
19. When you aren't introduced by fellow members with your name. You are introduced as, "This is my pastor's wife."
20. Everyone else is going on family vacations.
21. If 75% of what you know you aren’t allowed to say, so you sit up late at night and write really bad stories under the guise of fiction novels, then you feed them through the shredder in dread of someone finding them and the sins that an entire community of people worked so hard to hide would be hung out like dirty laundry and those sensational TV shows about the Mennonites and Amish would come asking to use the material!
22. When your family vacations consist of a week of Bible camp with 3 services a day.
23. You meet new people and quickly realize that you know their dirty secrets, but they don't know you know.
24. You might be a pastor's wife if you know what missionary tea is.
25. Your dream vacation is somewhere without cell phone service.
26. A certain person probably knows that you were involved in a family reconciliation meeting and they keep bringing up the topic (such great concern, of course since it involves her family, too) in order to see what information they can get from you.  And you would like to just smack her in the face and tell her to mind her own business - but you can't because your husband is a minister and you're a Christian and a non-resistant Mennonite, after all. So you just smile and act like you have no idea what she's talking about. Later you think of all the things you could have said that would have shut her up, but at the time all you wanted to do was not betray any confidences (and you didn't.)
27. You hear a huge mistake in the delivery or grammar of husband's message but you don't tell him until weeks later because you know he already feels like the message was a disaster.
28. If your husband serves on a denominational committee that requires out of state travel.
29. You know you are the pastor's wife when you feel like you are sitting in the sunshine when he preaches because you see the beauty and grace of God working in his life and your spirits meet in a wonderful way.
30. People are shocked when your kids misbehave.
31.  When out-of-state visitors come to church and a thought pops into your head that you hope so-and-so doesn't do this or that...and then an inner sunshine lights your soul because you realize it doesn't matter---you know these people, you've heard their hearts and know they love God and are on a journey -- and it's not our church anyways, it's God's!
32. You may be a pastor's wife if: you've been to a hundred wedding rehearsals; you plan your vacations around the preaching schedule; you appear to enjoy visiting other churches; you're expected to be the encyclopedia of names and church historical events; you cringe as you hear the sound of toes being stomped on as the preacher brings truth, and rejoice with him later as people thank him for it; you are so distracted by a mispronounced word you can't remember the gist of the sermon; and you have spent Sunday afternoons praying against Satan, because the Word must have been especially effective that day.

[Lestat]

What do you call a black cop trying to arrest you?

A pigger.

[Queen Victoria]

A kindergartener was given permission to show off his new puppy at a faculty meeting.When someone asked whether the puppy was a boy or a girl, the youngster grabbed the pup belly-up and showed it to his mother who said, "it's a boy."  Turning back to the audience the boy sighed happily.  "Isn't it wonderful?" he asked.  "She can tell just by looking at the bottoms of their feet!"

[Queen Victoria]

After a discussion of the water cycle the teacher was leading up to the idea of condensation. 
"Why do you think we have dew on the grass when we wake up in the morning?"
A boy said, "Well, a lot of people walk their dogs at night."

[Lestat]

Whats worse than finding a kitten eating your tuna sandwich?

Finding a quarter of a kitten while you eat the sandwich, after thinking to yourself 'hmm, this tuna has so many little tiny bones in it, its almost crunchy, and it doesn't taste like its been cooked very thoroughly either...'

[El]

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

lol

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 

lol

[Arya Quinn]

[Queen Victoria]

A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day, she asked Jimmy what his problem was. He replied, “I’m too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the fourth grade, and I’m smarter than her too.”

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Jimmy a test. If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to go back to the second grade and be quiet. The teacher and Jimmy both agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Jimmy: “9.”

Principal: “6 x 6?”

Jimmy: “36.”

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”

Jimmy: “Legs”

Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answerin gJimmy says, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Jimmy: “Pants.”

Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”

Jimmy: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Jimmy in the fourth grade. I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

[Lestat]

(more situational comedy pranks than a one liner or joke per se)

(when offering someone a cup of tea, premake them, and make them with gelatine, to turn them into a solid block. Then eventually, after claiming there is nothing wrong at all, and they must be drinking it wrong, give them the real hot cup of non-solidified tea)

The counterpart to this, needs keeping in the fridge. The gallium spoon. A teaspoon cast from  an impression taken in clay etc or other suitable mold, cast in gallium, or gallium-a low percentage of indium. You do warn someone before they try to swallow any, although the alloy or metals aren't toxic, but it has a REALLY low melting point. Depending where you live you might try it or not be able to, because it'll melt in the hand if kept there. So quickly, after making your gallium-indium alloy spoon, you put it on a teacup saucer, and to keep it away from the heat, carry the tea.

The mark is to be offered sugar, and proffered the tea, and the spoon on the saucer. Mark picks up spoon, stirs tea, and then the spoon doesn't come back out of the tea, just a nub of handle thats likely to melt away from between their fingers. Followed by a mock bollocking for just destroying the priceless family silver heirlooms or something similar. Or 'don't you KNOW how low the melting point of platinum is?? (it really, really isn't low melting point metal, Pt is fucking hard to melt. You can't do it with a charcoal fire, although the ancient mesoamerican culture group had some societies that could work platinum with pyrometallurgical techniques, mixing Pt dust panned from a river with alluvial gold dust, and a little silver, which unlike the very high melting and corrosion resistant platinum can be worked with a charcoal-based flame and bellows etc. to cast it, and as an alloy, can be sintered together from the alluvial platinum dust, as IIRC it was the aztec, or possibly maya, possibly both, who mastered the technique long before we europeans even discovered the element Pt, and they'd melt them together as an alloy, then melt out the gold, allowing for malleable platinum to be worked, and sintered together from dust that we couldn't work, and indeed was so tough that it'd shut down silver mines if it was present.

Quite clever, I think, for such supposed primitives. Got to admit, I love ancient technological studies Stuff like ancient chinese multiple rocket launchers, repeating crossbows,  even an automatic magazine-firing flywheel-powered catapult, and of other civilizations, flamethowers and  a hideous anticavalry weapon using a piston-powered siphon mechanism to fire the toxic, blinding, flesh-corrosive sap of the tropical Euphorbia plants (Spurge family, nasty lot but some much worse than others), and at close range, they'd fire the these poison-guns into the faces of the cavalry horses, making them go berserk due to getting a face full of the phorbol ester nasty ass shit (one example, resiniferatoxin, is a capsaicin-like entity in what it does, only its a hyperpotent TRPV1 superagonist, packing about 16 BILLION scoville-units of virulent burning corrosive 'heat'. About a thousand times as  potent as  pure capsaicin from  chili pepper.)

Not that I'd actually approve of using such a thing in this day and age, but that sort of thing had to be some weapon up close to break a cavalry charge and turn an enemy's horses into as big a threat to their own men as they would have been to yours, especially if the resources for a phalanx, or similar technology was not in use. These poison-gunners would have been effective, and a reconstruction done the weapon itself IIRC had a range of about 15 to a bit over that in feet.

[Queen Victoria]

A middle-aged married couple had three beautiful daughters but always they want to have a son.

Couple decided to try one more time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

The cheerful father rushed to the delivery room to see his new baby boy.

He was terrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the three beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and answered:

‘No, not this time!’

[Queen Victoria]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the Punch Newspaper, in Ibadan, Nigerian, reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard Lucky Ade, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.”

[Gopher Gary]

 

[Queen Victoria]

A young couple Cynthia and Scott were on their honeymoon and were staying at a five-star hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and Cynthia donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon noticed that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, Cynthia and Scott would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.

That evening they dressed swell for dinner and headed to their hotel’s stylish restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

When the Cynthia asked their waitress why the aquarium had no fish in it, she smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium young lady…that’s the swimming pool!”

[Queen Victoria]