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Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 21269 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #90 on: February 28, 2018, 12:29:11 PM »
I don't find this one funny or even sensible, but I'm posting it in the sprirt of fair humour.



A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

“Would you mind telling me, doctor,” she asked, “how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“That’s easy,” replied he. “You ask them a simple question which they should be able to answer with no trouble.

“What sort of question would you ask, doctor?”

“Well, I might ask him …” Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one? ”

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:

“I would not know what I would like to do.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #91 on: February 28, 2018, 01:20:51 PM »
Pit bull: Get my light back on before I ram that bulb up your ass and make you crush it by smacking yourself repeatedly in the sphincter with a hammer ysonuvabitch :P

Shih-tzu and similar little handbag-dogs for vacuous celebrities : yipyipyipyipyipyipBZZZTTTTTT, after the owner finally gets thoroughly fed-up with all that damn BARKING.

Police dog: only one. It holds the bulb up in it's trotters then sits back and waits for the world to revolve around it.

Faye Kane's dog-sorry, I'm too busy porking my owner in some sort of sick fuck autie kinkstress video. Arroof...why? how many lightbulbs can you fit in YOUR ass?
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

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Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #92 on: February 28, 2018, 02:43:00 PM »
I don't find this one funny or even sensible, but I'm posting it in the sprirt of fair humour.



A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

“Would you mind telling me, doctor,” she asked, “how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“That’s easy,” replied he. “You ask them a simple question which they should be able to answer with no trouble.

“What sort of question would you ask, doctor?”

“Well, I might ask him …” Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one? ”

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:

“I would not know what I would like to do.”


I'm left wondering if not understanding it means we're blonde?

Offline Gopher Gary

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #93 on: February 28, 2018, 10:42:27 PM »
I'm left wondering if not understanding it means we're blonde?

Yeah, I didn't get it either.  :dunno: I looked it up and I think maybe that's the wrong punchline.  :lol1:
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Offline Lestat

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #94 on: March 01, 2018, 08:00:34 AM »
'newsflash-unfortunate incident of dog-on-dog rape resulting in a litter happened during a church sermon between two guide-dogs. More unfortunately still, one of the pair was a  shih-tzu, badly wounded in the assault, and the other was a bulldog. To compound the matter, the breed, owing to size constraints, is new, and the vicar was naive enough to hold a church competition and raffle to name the breed and help pay for the little dog's vet bills; only to realize what he had done after his sermon had finished and the raffle already announced.' Several church-goers died of embarrassment whilst several more choked to death on their own tongues the following week. Coroner's report said only that it was not the result of malice, and that it was quite inevitable.

As the report of the incident was first covered in the 'news'paper 'The Sun', the breed is now formally recognized as the bull-shit terrier. Known now to be highly prone to barking at nothing, chasing its own tail and blaming other dogs, and a particularly bad habit of defaecating, picking their waste up in their mouths and shaking their heads rapidly from side to side, showering all who come into contact with them in complete and total dogshit. Also prone to bouts of extreme hypocrisy, in addition to taking food and doing its best to communicate deliberate and extreme lies after the fact, including leading owners to other dogs and pointing in order to implicate and slander them for their wrongdoings. The breed henceforth became very well known in just a very short time indeed for their massive tendency towards whining.


Another new breed, this one bred for law enforcement: the Schweinhunde

What do you call an australian dog with a severe hangover? a dingothefuckaway


(this part is true)-there are reports that in his youth, the former british PM david cameron sodomized a pig.

I hear that the current deputy PM fucked a dog. It's name was theresa may, a well known and much-despised scabby, semiferal flea-ridden mongrel bitch, who unfortunately seems to have survived so far, every attempt to put it down.

Hot on the heels of the seeing eye dog, scientists working in the field of genetics have now come up with the smelling ear dog, and the hearing scrotum dog.

What do you get when you throw a dog face first into a gate? a labra-door.

A man walks into a pound, to rehome an animal. Taking pity on one particular dog, of a common middle eastern breed, that nobody wanted, and was unkempt and unloved, he asked why nobody wanted the dog. And the man was told 'nobody wants this thing, it was left behind by some arab, and as such, it smells awful, has a bad temper, but here, just get it out of here, we don't want the little fucker either.

Still, the guy takes the dog with him, having forgotten in the conversation with the manager of the dog pound to ask what breed it was, since he didn't specify. The moment he first took it for a walk in a crowded city center, the dog attacks, detonating violently in a shower of blood, internal organs and canine bone-shrapnel, killing many people in a crowded shopping mall.

It was determined later, when only the remains of the collar along with some wiring, were found by first responders, and the former owner of the dog told that he had rehomed a pit-bull terrorist, a breed disliked by many and well known for their explosive temper.

Faye Kane got a dog, I hear, and when asked why it kept getting so many erections, Faye replied 'mmfffffll'...sorry, shouldn't talk with my mouth full'
Beyond the pale. Way, way beyond the pale.

Requiescat in pacem, Wolfish, beloved of Pyraxis.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #95 on: March 01, 2018, 10:40:22 AM »
Police officer Vernon found a perfect hiding place to catch speeding motorists.

One sunny day, Officer Vernon was confused when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the case.

Officer Vernon saw a nine years old little boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted banner which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”

A little more investigative work led Vernon to the boy’s accomplice; another nine years old boy about fifty meters beyond the radar trap with a banner reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #96 on: March 02, 2018, 10:38:48 AM »
An oldie but goodie:

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #97 on: March 03, 2018, 03:33:40 PM »
Borderline clean


A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.

When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.

The note read:
Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift. The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love, Bobby
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #98 on: March 04, 2018, 10:23:15 AM »
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says: “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”  The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says: “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence” The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.”

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #99 on: March 04, 2018, 10:28:36 AM »
:laugh: He should be allowed to stay.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #100 on: March 04, 2018, 11:17:40 AM »
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests.

The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, “Do you know who I am?”

The prof said, “No and I don’t care.”

The student asked again, “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?”

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

“Good” the student said, and walked out. He passed.

A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Arya Quinn

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #101 on: March 04, 2018, 07:21:12 PM »

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #102 on: March 05, 2018, 10:51:06 AM »
A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.

Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.”

At the bottom of the page were the letters ” PTO”.

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Rosie
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline odeon

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #103 on: March 06, 2018, 02:19:59 AM »
:rofl: +
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #104 on: March 06, 2018, 10:59:44 AM »
When I heard this back in the 60's it was a Jaguar.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady’s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

“Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?” Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady’s house.

“Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”

“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv: