GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

A grizzled old trucker was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first biker walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

A moment later the second biker walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third biker walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, that old coot, he was not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles and drove off."

[Queen Victoria]

Two senior citizens in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking ... and one asks the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?" The other one turns and says "That's easy, can you see Florida?"

[Queen Victoria]

The Reverend Lewis was completing a temperance sermon and with great expression he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he added, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'

Finally, the Reverend Lewis said, 'And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'

He sat down.

The Curate, Roger Marples, then stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, 'For our closing hymn let's sing number 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

[Walkie]

^ *chuckle * 

[Queen Victoria]

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.””

The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

[Queen Victoria]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[Walkie]

^

[Queen Victoria]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"..ooh!
 

[Queen Victoria]

While Queen Victoria lay dying, a member of the royal household mused to Edward, Prince of Wales, "I wonder if she will be happy in heaven?"
Edward matter-of-factly replied, "I don't know. She will have to walk behind the angels--and she won't like that!"

[Queen Victoria]

A wife took her husband to the company picnic and started berating him. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"

[Queen Victoria]

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route.

When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy's amazement, When the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear.

Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.

Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

(Feel free to substitute your favorite politician for the Pope,)

[Queen Victoria]

The summer holiday was over and young Jack returned to Wicor school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.

'Wait a minute,' mother said. 'I had Jack with me for six weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved.

[Queen Victoria]

The elementary school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last, a home-cooked meal!"

[Queen Victoria]

Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work.
One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'

[Queen Victoria]

Actually happened.

Conversation with The PR just now.

"Mom, I was dizzy last night and almost fell down. Maybe I shouldn't go bowling today."

"Okay, it's probably better that you skip today."

"Well, it's not like it's fatal."