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Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 21602 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #870 on: July 15, 2019, 12:01:54 PM »
 :clap:
Quote from: Minister of silly walks on July 15, 2019, 04:37:57 AM
Paddy says to Mike: "How'd you get on at that faith healing group last night?"

Mike replied: "That faith healer was absolutely shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!".

 :clap:
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #871 on: July 15, 2019, 12:03:07 PM »
Some philosophical humour:

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.


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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #872 on: July 16, 2019, 11:40:02 AM »
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: “double my I.Q” so the mermaid did it and to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: “triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn’t know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said “Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!”

The fisherman said “yes” so the mermaid turned him into a woman…
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #873 on: July 17, 2019, 10:05:35 AM »
When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field 
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.

The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”

 
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #874 on: July 18, 2019, 09:52:54 AM »
At my wedding the officiant said,
"If anyone finds reason these two should not be wed, now is not the time.
You've had years.
But find me after the ceremony. I love gossip."
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #875 on: July 19, 2019, 09:30:59 AM »
A man was getting some tests done and they had to anesthetize him.
When he came around he asked the nurse "Are my testicles black?" She pulled the sheet back and lifted his member and looked all around and said "No they look fine."
He replied "Well that felt wonderful and I really enjoyed it, but are my TEST RESULTS BACK???"
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #876 on: July 20, 2019, 11:16:41 AM »
What did the overweight ballet dancer perform ?
The dance of the sugar plump fairy !
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #877 on: July 21, 2019, 09:53:38 AM »
A newly-ordained pastor, in the first days of his first call, was attempting to console the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket, the nervous young pastor said, “I realize this must be a very hard blow for you, Mrs. Svenson. Just try to remember that what we see before us is only the husk, the shell of your dear husband–the nut has gone to heaven.”
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #878 on: July 22, 2019, 09:29:40 AM »
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son answered" "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck." "But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them with us?" "I guess I just panicked"."

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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline sg1008

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #879 on: July 23, 2019, 04:10:57 AM »
I've been studying all my life but I only managed to learn 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know wh'y...
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Quote from: hykeaswell on December 08, 2014, 04:14:58 AM
Quote from: sg1008 on December 08, 2014, 12:31:27 AM
Can't you guys even just imagine it?

Forget practicality, or your experience....can you just....imagine?

It's there. It always was.

Offline Minister Of Silly Walks

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #880 on: July 23, 2019, 04:13:22 AM »
Quote from: sg1008 on July 23, 2019, 04:10:57 AM
I've been studying all my life but I only managed to learn 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know wh'y...

It took a minute for the penny to drop.
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“When men oppress their fellow men, the oppressor ever finds, in the character of the oppressed, a full justification for his oppression.” Frederick Douglass

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #881 on: July 23, 2019, 09:11:52 AM »
Quote from: sg1008 on July 23, 2019, 04:10:57 AM
I've been studying all my life but I only managed to learn 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know wh'y...

Good one sg. 
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #882 on: July 23, 2019, 09:12:57 AM »
 Do you ever wonder if clouds look down and say, "That one looks like an idiot"?
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #883 on: July 24, 2019, 09:04:09 AM »
Q: What did Chief Shortcake’s wife say when Chief Shortcake died?
A: Squaw bury shortcake!
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #884 on: July 25, 2019, 08:59:12 AM »
A koala is sitting up a Eucalyptus tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the Eucalyptus tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the Eucalyptus tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "WTFFFF dude ... how much water did you drink?
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A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:
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