GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Here are a few.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

[Lestat]

LOL QV.

All too true about government employees.

You'd have to be..well I won't insult the intellectually challenged to make a point. But you DO have to be either a fucking moron or a viper in the nest to survive in such an environment. There are probably some that manage both. I had one for a roommate who would make an ideal government employee on that basis, hell, would make the first female prime minister, a borderline, bipolar klepto cancer made flesh and melded with the soul of a devil, vomited forth as some sort of perverted inverse menstruation from the foetid bowels of Tartarus onto a platter carved from carved coprolite and engraved with It's name in an infernal tongue so foul hell shuns it.

And so outright vile, that after It's unsuccessful attempt to gut me with It's katana, ending with both of us with long blades drawn and me giving her a knuckle sandwich with extra thumping-sauce, disarming her and keeping my sword at her throat and grabbing a revolver whilst she was searched and given her marching orders, and being told that if she ever came back, other than to retrieve her belongings after I'd searched through them all and bagged up what actually belonged to her, taken a slice of some of the more useful items and thrown the rest out into the street, that I'd execute her on sight.

Thankfully you yank folk have the creature known forever henceforth to this family as 'The Bitch', the very name of It is equivalent to the vilest profanity one could think to utter with a human larynx and vocal apparatus in any tongue known to the human species. A dirty, rotten filthy fucking hellwhore bitch from sewers of the most repugnant noxious pit in Tartarus. Something HIV would not deign to fuck in the eyesockets with a razor-edged dick fashioned from frozen dog shit. and slathered with putrescent smallpox-oozings and pus slobbering forth from the ruptured buboes of a plague-carcass slowly burst in a wine-press built to crush the grapes of Satan's own harvest.

She'd make an excellent first british prime minister. Being both a Fucking Borderline Disease-Bitch and a gorgon-slut serpent birthed from a cancerous rat-vagina. A snake and a real dumb fucking cunt at the same time. Definitely not the sharpest tool in a box filled only with hammers and bastard-files (well what other type would be suitable for slowly, painfully filing off the teeth of The Bitch but a bastard-file ), her serpentine, poisonous nature was instinctive, not by intellect Just born poison. And to boot, It was a fucking disgrace to our very blood and a slander upon autism most unforgivable by 'virtue' of It's very existence as a fucking autistic, something vile that should not have been born autistic. Or for that matter, ever born at all and not immediately postnatally aborted via having it's skull put in a vice and slowly burst

[Queen Victoria]

Lestat, I understand your opinion and feelings about government employees.  Buuuuuuut, I was a government auditor (auditing state and local governments) and an internal auditor at a state university for 25 years.   

[Gopher Gary]

 

[Lestat]

Well there are exceptions to most rules. I mean politics and bureaucrats really. Thats where your going to find the arseholes and arsehole-lickers, jobsworths and fuckwits in non-jobs that really have no valid reason to be allowed to exist.

And if theres one thing thats always got my back up its a bloody buggering jobsworth. No matter whether its a government 'job' or any other area of 'work' that quite honestly, isn't. Some people are just snots that like wielding power over others. They need lining up and shooting in the face. With a cannon loaded with rusty screws, nails, broken glass, pairs of nuts attached together by lengths of wire as DIY chainshot. And at least one of the jobsworths attached via the abdomen to the muzzle of the cannon.

Thats humor in and of itself. A jobsworth being blown from a gun, as the old medieval term went for a particularly barbarous and nasty method of execution. Hell, if jobsworths had a spine, then their spine and attached sternum could be used to help form a further cloud of shrapnel. But no jobsworth ever has  had or ever will have anything of greater consistency than a notochord.

[Queen Victoria]

Interesting story about my job.  One evening about 10 p.m. I was zipping along on the Interstate listening to the baseball World Series.  Suddenly flashing red lights behind me. 

I pull over and a state trooper walks up to my car.  My car was a Dodge Charger SE (think Shaft) beige with a totally black interior.  I handed him my driver's license and for some reason he asked me what I did.  I told him I worked for The Legislative Auditor (yes, a capitol T is part of the official name).  He turned a funny shade of some weird colour and handed me back my license saying, "There's no way I'm giving you a ticket."  I replied, "I was speeding and I'll get in trouble if you don't give me a ticket." Back and forth for a bit and I just gave up.

[odeon]

If you really need to give away money, no need to give it to the police. Just sayin'.

[Queen Victoria]

 
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father”.

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Grace”.”

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”.”

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness”.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well…?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,

Slim,

Tall,

38D breast,

24″ waist and

34” hips.

When she walks into a room everyon says, "My God!"

[Queen Victoria]

Farmer Emmet lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was extreme and so fast that his chickens and ducks were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Emmet phoned the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these traffic, people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens and ducks.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the Sheriff Jules.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy cars!” So the next day he had the workers go out and put up a sign that said: ‘Slow – School Crossing’.

A few days later Farmer Emmet called the Sheriff Jules again and said, “You’ve got to do something about these damn drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”

So, again, the Sheriff sends out the workers and they put up a new sign: ‘Slow- Children At Play’.

That really sped them up. So Farmer Emmet phoned and phoned and phoned every day for a month. In the end, he asked the Sheriff, “Your signs are not working. Can I put up my own sign?” The Sheriff Jules told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Emmet do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

Jules got no more calls from Emmet.A month later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Emmet a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that we could use to slow down drivers…” So Sheriff Jules drove out to Farmer Emmet’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

‘Nudist Camp’

‘Go slowly and watch out for the chicks’

[Queen Victoria]

Patient Rusty goes to the Dr.Graham’s office after a mountain hiking.

Doctor Graham: I have a bad new and a very worse one.

Patient Rusty: Jesus Christ!, might as well give me the bad news first.

Dr. Graham: Our laboratory called with your test results. They said you have just twenty four hours to live.

Poor Rusty: Twenty four hours! That’s awful! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor Graham: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

[Lestat]

Being a govt auditor doesn't make you a shit, QV.

Hell, it puts you in the ideal position to put your foot up the arse of a whole load of pencil-pushing haploid twats who ought to be flogged to death with a sock filled with frozen dog shit:autism:

[Queen Victoria]

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

[Queen Victoria]

A European married couple Francois and Nadine, were having an argument about who should brew the tea each morning.

Nadine said, “You should do it, because you get up before me, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our tea.”

Francois said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for tea.” Nadine replies, “No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the tea.”

Francois shocked and replies, “I can’t believe that! Show me.”

So Nadine fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “Hebrews.”

[Lestat]

What do you call a hindu apostate?

A hin-dont.

[Queen Victoria]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…

Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb.


If your breed isn't listed feel free to add it along with it's input on the question.