« previous next »
Pages: 1 ... 34 35 [36] 37 38 ... 67   Go Down

Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 21890 times)

0 Members and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #525 on: October 14, 2018, 10:13:12 AM »
Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear

- Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

- If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

- Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Women's Luncheon:
Each member bring a sandwich.
Polly Phillips will give the medication.
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #526 on: October 15, 2018, 11:40:43 AM »
Because it's Monday, here are three jokes to cheer you up.

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent!
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #527 on: October 16, 2018, 09:52:01 AM »
Tuesday joke


I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries. Also a hip replacement; later new knees.

I've fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 dozens of medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation and barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I have lost all my friends.

But Thank G_d, I still have my driver's license!
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #528 on: October 17, 2018, 11:18:27 AM »
One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, 'I must have a pay rise. You should realise there are three other companies after me.'

'Really?' replied Martin's boss,' And who might these companies be?'

'Southern Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom,' answered Martin.
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #529 on: October 18, 2018, 10:02:57 AM »
An OB decided that after many years of practice he needed a change in his life. He thought for a while and decided to pursue his childhood dream, to be an auto mechanic.

So he quit his practice and enrolled in community college for certification as an auto mechnic. When he received his grade for the final exam he was astounded that it was a 125.

He asked the instructor how he could have scored more than perfect on the test. The instructor replied,

"I've been teaching 40 years. I've never seen a student rebuild an engine through the tail pipe."
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #530 on: October 19, 2018, 08:55:53 AM »
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #531 on: October 20, 2018, 08:33:12 AM »

If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today?

One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Yuri Bezmenov

  • Drunk-assed squadron leader
  • Obsessive Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 6663
  • Karma: 0
  • Communist propaganda is demoralizing the West.
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #532 on: October 20, 2018, 10:21:45 AM »
^^^ Well I use my phone to look at porn so they would probably understand that.  ;D
Logged

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #533 on: October 20, 2018, 06:52:46 PM »
You can't imagine my time travel shock.  I died in 1901.  The typewriter was a fairly new invention.

Did you know it was originally called a typing machine.  The operator was the typewriter.  Sort of putting the cart before the horse.
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Minister Of Silly Walks

  • Elder
  • Dedicated Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 4035
  • Karma: 421
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #534 on: October 20, 2018, 07:05:10 PM »
Quote from: Queen Victoria on October 20, 2018, 06:52:46 PM
You can't imagine my time travel shock.  I died in 1901.  The typewriter was a fairly new invention.

Did you know it was originally called a typing machine.  The operator was the typewriter.  Sort of putting the cart before the horse.

And even though mechanical typewriters are mostly museum pieces now, we stilll use a keyboard that was designed to reduce jamming on mechanical typewriters by separating letters that were commonly used together. Even on touch screens.
Logged
“When men oppress their fellow men, the oppressor ever finds, in the character of the oppressed, a full justification for his oppression.” Frederick Douglass

Offline odeon

  • Witchlet of the Aspie Elite
  • Webmaster
  • Postwhore Beyond Repair
  • *****
  • Posts: 108944
  • Karma: 4483
  • Gender: Male
  • Replacement Despot
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #535 on: October 21, 2018, 02:28:38 AM »
Windows does a modern version of the jamming.
Logged
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #536 on: October 21, 2018, 09:37:01 AM »
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #537 on: October 23, 2018, 09:04:18 AM »
What’s the difference between weather and climate?

You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate!
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #538 on: October 24, 2018, 09:48:50 AM »
Wal-Mart: The only place on earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life what not to wear episode.
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

  • Ruler of Aspie Universe
  • Elder
  • Almighty Postwhore
  • *****
  • Posts: 28244
  • Karma: 2805
  • Gender: Female
Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #539 on: October 25, 2018, 10:24:39 AM »
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a chicken walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the chicken’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the chicken. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
Logged
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:
Pages: 1 ... 34 35 [36] 37 38 ... 67   Go Up
« previous next »