Author Topic: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR  (Read 21748 times)

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #315 on: July 27, 2018, 10:12:48 AM »
It was during a heat wave in August one summer when I saw this sign on a telephone pole. “Garage sale this Sunday 7AM until 100 degrees.”
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

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Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #316 on: July 28, 2018, 10:33:10 AM »
I forgot my cellphone when I went to the bathroom yesterday.

We have 247 tiles.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #317 on: July 29, 2018, 09:35:21 AM »
A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.

        "But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"

        "Sure," replied the guy.

        "Well, won't they find out?"

        The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #318 on: July 30, 2018, 09:17:32 AM »
A bird was flying south for the winter, but had left it too late to set off and found itself frozen solid in a blizzard. It dropped to earth in a field of cows, landing in a massive cow pat, just as it was being deposited by the fattest cow in the field. At first, the bird was disgusted until it realized that the pile of poop was actually thawing him out. As the ice melted and his feathers returned to normal, he tweeted joyously, but the sounds were heard by a nearby cat who promptly crept over and ate the bird.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #319 on: July 30, 2018, 09:52:47 AM »
Feces - the new clean. :G

Offline Yuri Bezmenov

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #320 on: July 30, 2018, 10:28:36 AM »
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The father and son take centre stage, the rest of the family standing backstage.

The teenage son and father start the act with a seemingly deep and meaningful conversation.

"Dad, I know at time I may not be the best son, nor the brighte..." he is suddenly interrupted by his father "son, no matter what happens, I will always love you" the son replies "I love you too dad" they hug as the music starts, a happy tune is played, all of a sudden the father and son kiss gently. They look into each others eyes, and over come with lust they passionately kiss each other grabbing each others body tightly, the son goes down on his knees whipping out his fathers monster cock and taking it in his throat. Giving a prime blow job to his father who is now wincing in pleasure. The father pulls out of his sons mouth and sprays his hefty load onto his sons chest, this ques the family pet into the scene, the dog jumps up and hungrily laps up the semen from the young mans chest as if it had been starved for days, when the son takes the dog in his hands flipping him over and sticks his stiff cock into the dogs tight arse, fucking him aggressively. *the father exits stage* and the son continues reaming out the dogs now swollen anus, he pulls out and blows his load onto the dogs back and rubs it into his coat like he was applying sunscreen to another person. *the daughter enters the stage and kneels down beside the son and dog* "can I help" she asks, the boy replies with a grin "sure".

The daughter stands up and drops her skirt revealing her recently shaven vagina, she spread her lips and pissed onto the dog while the boy massaged it into the dogs back, suddenly the son snaps the dogs hind legs which causes it to unleash a bark that would bring tears to your eyes, the mother bursts out onto the stage unclothed and pushes the son out of the way holding the wounded dog in her arms. The dog looks up at her, and there is a pause, the mother cries and the dog licks her cheeks. She starts massaging the dogs tongue and mouth with hers while repeating "your okay, you'll be fine".

she stars tugging the dying dogs penis as if it would heal him. the daughter sits back and spreads her leg, the son lies down in front of her and begins to lick her salivating cunt. The daughter smiles and lets out a sickening fart that could rip your teeth out. The son however is not phased and is in fact extremely turned on by the toxic bowl release, at this point the mother is sucking off the dog which ejaculates a large quantity of come onto the mothers chin as the dog slowly passes away the father re-enters the stage. the mother breaks down with her face buried in her hands over the pets death, the father moves her hands from her face, kissing her, exchanging his spit for the dead dogs semen. The daughter lets out a horrific scream as she comes on the sons face.

The family makes not a sound as they stay in their positions, when finally the father breaks the silence, shitting a vast amount of diarrheic fecal matter boasting a terribly vulgar sounding gurgle which echoed with out the studio, all together the family and dog jumps into their well choreographed positions and sing "TA-DAAAAAAAAA"

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Offline Calandale

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #321 on: July 30, 2018, 01:03:47 PM »
Well...at least urine is cleaner than feces.  :orly:

Offline DirtDawg

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #322 on: July 30, 2018, 05:40:29 PM »

I kind of wonder why you want to defeat the entire point of this thread.

I would suggest that that last "joke"  be moved to a more appropriate location.

As much as I enjoy interacting with Scra'ep, this is not a part of that. Take it away, please.

You do it, Mr Alex, please.
Jimi Hendrix: When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. 

Ghandi: Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

The end result of life's daily pain and suffering, trials and failures, tears and laughter, readings and listenings is an accumulation of wisdom in its purest form.

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #323 on: July 30, 2018, 07:21:48 PM »
Parts dying van post reminded me of this:

A gynocologist decided he wanted to start living his life his way.  He had always wanted to work on cars.  So he started an auto mechanic course at a local trade school.  When the final exam had been given (rebuilding an engine) and the grades handed out he was astonished that he had received a grade of 105.

He asked the instructor why he had a grade that was better than perfect.

The instructor replied, "I've been teaching for 30 years and NEVER have I seen an engine rebuilt through the tailpipe."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #324 on: July 31, 2018, 09:52:12 AM »
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #325 on: August 01, 2018, 10:41:38 AM »
Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #326 on: August 02, 2018, 09:56:09 AM »
Q: What do you call a bee born in May?

A: A maybe!

A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Minister Of Silly Walks

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #327 on: August 02, 2018, 04:01:25 PM »
A guy walks into a talent agent and says "I've got this great act, I do bird imitations".

The agent said "get Lost, I've seen a million bird acts already". So the guy flew out the window.
“When men oppress their fellow men, the oppressor ever finds, in the character of the oppressed, a full justification for his oppression.” Frederick Douglass

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #328 on: August 02, 2018, 05:01:19 PM »
A guy walks into a talent agent and says "I've got this great act, I do bird imitations".

The agent said "get Lost, I've seen a million bird acts already". So the guy flew out the window.

Good one.

:fly:
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv:

Offline Queen Victoria

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Re: GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR
« Reply #329 on: August 03, 2018, 10:19:08 AM »
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
A good monarch is a treasure. A good politician is an oxymoron.

My brain is both uninhibited and uninhabited.

:qv: