GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank.
The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”

“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

[Queen Victoria]

What’s the oddest thing that happens with a hypochondriac support group?

Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting.

(Hey, don't blame me if it's not funny, it's a Canadian joke.)

[Queen Victoria]

 A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

[Queen Victoria]

Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. He wasn’t familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queen’s lead and hope for the best.
When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. Jim nervously mimicked her.
She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise.
When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised.
Then she called, “Here, kitty…”

[Queen Victoria]

I played in a social mixed netball team in a league where you get to name your own team.

We called ourselves “BYE Round”.

So when our opponents read their weekly roster, they thought, “Sweet, we’ve got the week off.”

[Lestat]

Did you hear about the indian early-morning domestic service provider who was found dead, surrounded by broken bottles of white liquid all over him, stuck full with glass in fang-like patterns all over his body?

He pissed off and got bitten by a milk-krait making his delivery rounds

[Queen Victoria]

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”

[Queen Victoria]

The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?”

A mall officer replied, “These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.”

The public safety officer shook his head and muttered, “Who can resist a Barbie queue?”

[Queen Victoria]

An oldie, but goodie

Brother Andrew was charged with training the other monks in the art of copying precisely by hand the Holy Writs. An eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.

"Oh, no," Brother Andrew said. "These words have been correctly copied from generation to generation. I will show you the first volume ever written." And he shuffled off toward the monastery's library.

Hours later, Brother Jonathan found the elderly monk sitting alone in a candlelit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks.

"What's the matter?"

"I can't believe it," said Brother Andrew. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!

[Queen Victoria]

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with a wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with a mistress, because of the passion and mystery. The accountant said he liked both.

“Both?” chorused the others.

“Yes,” said the accountant. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, which means you can go to the office and get some work done.”

[Queen Victoria]

A husband and wife who were in the insurance business liked to get away from the stress of their job by renting a motor home in the country. Unfortunately their hopes of a peaceful vacation were wrecked by fellow campers repeatedly calling on them, asking whether they could borrow butter or sugar or even asking for directions to the nearest bar.

Finally they got so fed up with the interruptions that they decided to pin a notice to the door of the motor home which would guarantee their privacy. It read: “Insurance agent. Ask about our life-term package.”

[Queen Victoria]

Two city slickers decide to go hunting. Neither one of them have ever been hunting before and after several hours later they still haven’t bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it, why aren’t we getting any ducks?”

His friend says, “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough."

[Queen Victoria]

I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained."

Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...

[Queen Victoria]

Little Eddy and his mom were digging for fishing bait in the garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mom.

“No, honey, it won’t do for bait,” she said. “It’s not an earthworm.”

“It’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is it from?”

[Queen Victoria]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”

The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what its sun sign is.”