GOOD CLEAN HUMOUR

[Queen Victoria]

Tucker wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the internet and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Repellent.” He calls the number, and the bear repeller says he’ll be over in fifteen minutes. The bear repeller arrives, and gets out of his panel van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old doberman.

“What are you going to do,” Tucker asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the doberman is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the panel van.”

He hands the shotgun to the Tucker. “Why you give this shotgun to me?” asks Tucker.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

[Queen Victoria]

A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders a slap-up meal. He finishes his meal, takes out a gun and shoots the waiter stone dead. As the Panda is leaving, the manager shouts that not only has he shot his waiter but he hasn’t paid for his meal. The Panda yells back, “I’m a Panda – look it up.”

The manager took out a dictionary and saw this definition under Panda.

“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by its distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves!”

[Calandale]

Cleaner than the "eats bushes and leaves" that I heard.

[Lestat]

They released a humorous grammar-naziism book by that title 'eats shoots and leaves'

[odeon]

By Lynne Truss, IIRC.

[Queen Victoria]

During their holiday and while they were visiting Holy City (Jerusalem), Dennis’ mother- in- law had a heart attack and died. With death certificate in hand, Dennis went to the British Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the city for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Dennis that the sending of a body back to the city for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as ten thousands dollars.

The Consul continues to explain, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost a hundred and fifty dollars.

Dennis thinks about it for a few seconds and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”

The Consul, after hearing this sentence, says, “You really must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price.”

“No, that’s not the reason,” replies Dennis. “You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Holy City. On the fourth day he came back from the dead! I just can’t take the risk."

(This post has the approval of the Church of England.)

[Lestat]

Whats the difference between a paedophile and a pig?

One has the sex appeal of a car crash plowing headlong into a paediatric oncology ward.


The other wears a blue uniform and gets issued with a badge.

[Queen Victoria]

An advocate was on holiday in a small farming town. While walking through the silent streets on Saturday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the advocate figured that there was some sort of car accident. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started yelling loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a cow.

[Arya Quinn]

[Queen Victoria]

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded to the last hotel manager, “Or just a bed–I don’t really care where. I’m completely exhausted”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

“Never better.” John said.

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope. I shut him up in no time.”

“How’d you manage that?”

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, “Good night, beautiful” and he sat up all night watching me.”

[Queen Victoria]

Melanie and her brother Sean are talking to each other when the little Sean gets up and walks over to his Grandfather and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”

The Grandfather says, “No, kid.”

Sean goes on, “Please .. please make a frog noise.”

The Grandfather says, “No,now leave me alone and go play.”

Sean then says to his sister Melanie, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”

So Melanie goes to her Grandfather and says, “Please make a frog noise.”

The Grandfather says, “I just told your brother ‘no’ and I’m telling you ‘no’.” Melanie says, “Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise.” The Grandfather says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”

Melanie replied, “Because, mom said when you croak we can go to Walt Disney World!

[Arya Quinn]

[Queen Victoria]

My daughter who is at college came to me in tears the other day saying that I have given her terrible financial advice. When I quizzed her on what she meant she said, “It was you that said to put all my money into that particular bank and now it has troubles.”

“You must be mistaken” I told her, “It’s one of the biggest in the county.”

“Well, why have they just sent back my checks with a note that says,

‘Insufficient funds’!

[Queen Victoria]

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, “Screw him. Give him a dollar.” The breakfast was my idea.”

[Queen Victoria]

Mr. Beschastnykh is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls.

The first accountant guy walks in and starts to introduce himself, “I’m here for the accounting position.” The boss asks him, “What’s 4×4?” “16” replies the accountant. Mr.Beschastnykh tells him to get out. Upset, disappointed, and confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office.

The next candidate then enters and the boss asks him, “What’s 4×4?”. “16” replies the accountant. Mr.Beschastnykh tells him to get out.

Just as confused as the first accountant, the second one leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn’t want to work there anyway.

The next candidate then enters and the boss asks him, “What’s 4×4?”. The accountant guy replies, “Anything you want it to be.” Mr.Beschastnykh says, “You’re hired.”