I've started making lots of money. I take my rapscallion cap and I place it on the floor, and then I sit 4.5 inches behind it. I then proceed to play "All Day Marianne" on the acoustic guitar. I then segue into the existentialism. It goes:
I am social blunder.
Deja vu a La Paris!
Non de plumes
Personas non gratas
Haw haw haw haw haw, agent provocateur
I then segue into a song consisting of the E chord repeated constantly with the refrain, "I walked into the bar and..." That's it.
I then proceed to show my collection of home-made desktop printer signs. Amongst them are such gems as:
I don't eat healthily
and I'm not that well
educated. I'm stupid and
weird. I have a feeling
you're going to laugh
now but I kind of wish
you wouldn't.
And:
Approaching directly
discharges its sickness.
Knowing wrong. You
suspect he's many songs.
Worse, death. You won't
sometimes not be
confused.
I only made pennies before I bought a £15 leather jacket from Primark and started gelling my hair back but now I make enough to afford me lunch and dinner.
Amongst other refinements added to my repertoire of late are lying stock still not unadjacent to a city centre storage shed within the peripheral vision of accidents and injuries salesmen. Others include shouting Lewes, East Sussex; Maidstone, Kent or Maidenhead, Berkshire. Not forgetting to mention abbreviated renditions of David Bowie's Heroes.
Why I do these things I do not know. But I have enough money thus far to maintain my flat above Piccadilly Train Station. I've only been pursued by the police 34 times. I feel quite lucky. That is, when I don't feel dizzy or nauseous. I eat chips and mushy peas. Amongst other foods the other main staple I thrive on is French white baguettes. I drink tap water. If only there were public water taps A La Sub-Saharan Africa.
Understand, ladies and gentlemen, that I do not just live a life. I recount adventures to you. I do this because I have stopped living as any adventurer does. Once one has made the decision to recount and tell their stories they are no longer involved in that instant and unreasonable chain of events that occurs in any normal person's waking day. I shall tire myself out if I continue to communicate words to you for too long.
