Richard you have to give life a chance. Put forth effort. It's worth it.
True. but I keep getting stuck, which isn't so bad I guess but in that moment of friend sabatoge or shortly there after it, I have regrets.
I don't know how to break this nasty cycle.
It does take time, Richard. I've been out of the loop for a long time, and got back into it. Met some people I was not uncomfortable around. We've met for years on different practical occasions. And, after a few years I realised that they had become friends. People I can actually turn to, when something goes wrong, and, they will turn to me when they need me too. Took time. Time for me to be open for that option again. And it has been worth it.
Maybe you need a stable place to live first. On the other hand, some friendships are for life, others just for a short time, but none the less, real friendships, different conditions.
And no need to leave us all behind for good, when you find a friend.