COLONOSCOPY JOURNAL
>>> ABOUT THE WRITER
>>> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
>>> Herald.
>>> Colonoscopy Journal: >
>>> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
>>> appointment for a colonoscopy.
>>> A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
>>> colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
>>> point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the
>>> colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient
>>> manner.
>>> I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
>>> because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET
>>> UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>>>
>>> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
>>> for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
>>> hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
>>> suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
>>> America 's enemies.
>>>
>>> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
>>> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began mypreparation. In
>>> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
>>> all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
>>> flavor.
>>>
>>> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
>>> together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
>>> water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
>>> gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
>>> hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
>>> mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>>>
>>> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
>>> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
>>> movement may result.'
>>>
>>> This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
>>> experience contact with the ground.
>>>
>>> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
>>> but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
>>> MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
>>> wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
>>> confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
>>> And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
>>> another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
>>> bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have
>>> not even eaten yet.
>>>
>>> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>>>
>>> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
>>> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
>>> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
>>> spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
>>> that? Flowers would not be enough.
>>>
>>> At the clinic, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
>>> and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led
>>> me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
>>> little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
>>> hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
>>> put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
>>> naked.
>>>
>>> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
>>> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
>>> already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
>>> their MoviPrep.
>>> At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
>>> pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to
>>> the bathroom, so you were staggering
>>> Around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
>>> house.
>>>
>>> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
>>> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
>>> see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
>>> somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
>>> Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
>>> hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
>>>
>>> There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
>>> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
>>> could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had
>>> to be the least appropriate.
>>>
>>> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
>>>
>>> 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
>>> for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because
>>> I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
>>>
>>> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
>>> 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I
>>> was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
>>>
>>> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
>>> I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and
>>> that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder
>>> of an internal organ.
>>>
>>> On the subject of colonoscopies...
>>> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
>>> humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
>>> made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
>>> colonoscopies:
>>>
>>> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
>>> before!'
>>>
>>> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>>>
>>> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>>>
>>> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>>>
>>> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
>>>
>>> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>>>
>>> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
>>>
>>> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>>>
>>> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
>>>
>>> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>>>
>>> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And the best one of all:
'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there.
