Lawyer Jokes

[bodie]

I rang my solicitors up yesterday 'Murphy, Murphy, Murphy and Murphy'
I said to the man on the other end "Can I speak to Mr Murphy please?"
He said "Sorry, he's with another client at the moment"
So I asked "Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?"
To which he replied "I'm sorry he's just away from his desk at the moment"
Then I asked "Can I speak to Mr Murphy then?"
"I'm sorry he's just on the phone" he replied
I then asked "Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?"
He said "Speaking"

[bodie]

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

[bodie]

This morning, while reading the paper
in search of a new set of wheels,
the classifieds had a most curious ad
in their listing of automobiles.
I read (in suspicious amusement)
what looked like a bargain I'd found.
"A Ferrari," it said, "low mileage, bright red,
recent model - for only one pound."

My first thought was "This is a wind-up".
Still, I reached for the phone straight away;
I thought I'd be told it was already sold
But she said "You're my first call today."
I said "There's a mistake in the paper,
they've printed the price wrong somehow."
"No, no," replied she, "One pound definitely."
I said "Wait there, I'm on my way now!"

She lived in a part of the city
exclusive to the elite few
where the company presidents and lawyers are residents
and the houses were massive and new.
And as I walked up her long driveway
there, in the cool of the day,
the sunlight it gleamed off the car I had dreamed of.
Was it just one pound away?

The inside was glossy black leather,
its engine was classic V-8.
Gull-wing-span doors, auto gear on the floor
and the stereo system was great.
There was glittering chrome on the bumpers,
an aerodynamic design,
a telephone, bar... this magnificent car
for only one pound was all mine?

I thought that this woman was crazy
to sell it at such a low price.
But her mind seemed quite sound as I paid her my pound,
she was charming and really quite nice.
And she smiled in such satisfaction
as she gave me the papers and keys.
So I said "I must know why you're letting it go!
What is wrong with this car? Tell me, please!"

She explained "I'll be 60 next Tuesday
and just last month, my husband, Earl,
after 30 years wed and without a word said,
ran off with this young teenage girl.
But I knew she'd soon clean him out
(I found that thought rather funny).
And when he rang at last, he said "I need cash fast,
sell my car and send me the money".

[bodie]

A Hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants me a fackin' dayvorce."

[midlifeaspie]

A Hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants me a fackin' dayvorce."

 

[Icequeen]

A lawyer speeds through a stop sign on a small country road and gets into an accident with a doctor.
 
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is shaken up, helps him from his car and offers him a drink from a flask. The doctor takes a swig and hands the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer holds the flask for a few seconds, then gives it to the doctor again. The doctor takes another swig and again returns it to the lawyer, who gives it back to the doctor for one more drink.
 
After his third swig, the doctor asks, "Aren't you going to have a drink?"
 
"Not now," the lawyer answers. "I'll have some after the police leave."