Betraying confidence

[bodie]

hypothetical question:

Someone confides in you.  They make you promise to keep it to yourself.  Their secret is about some abuse they had when they was only 12 years old.  You know the abuser.  They worked in a position of authority then, and they still do.  Should you keep quiet?  There is a chance this person is doing it to other children and you have tried to get the abused person to inform the police.  They are adamant they do not want to talk to police.  What is the best thing to do?

[Al Swearegen]

hypothetical question:

Someone confides in you.  They make you promise to keep it to yourself.  Their secret is about some abuse they had when they was only 12 years old.  You know the abuser.  They worked in a position of authority then, and they still do.  Should you keep quiet?  There is a chance this person is doing it to other children and you have tried to get the abused person to inform the police.  They are adamant they do not want to talk to police.  What is the best thing to do?

Good question.
There are a couple of considerations. How far could you make these allegations stick? How can you protect yourself from libel/slander/blowback? How can you protect your friend when shit hits the fan?
I say look to intermediataries in the legal system and police force that you can confide in and work this through with and so when it does go down you will have the best case of getting the abuser jailed and the least amount of hut to your friend and reduce the chance of being accused of making it up, being nasty/vindictive, or placing yourself in a position that you can not easily justify (if they say they did not and your friend clams up and they turn to you and say "Did you make this up? where is your evidence?" and you say "ummm..." then they say "This is obviously done out of spite and we want to sue or spread the word that you are trying to set an innocent person up for sex crimes...")
Do not consider the abuser and their rights or feelings or the people that will be hurt by these revalations. That is their cross to bear not yours.

[TheoK]

In Sweden the cops wouldn't bother anyway, until he had already raped another child 

[Callaway]

hypothetical question:

Someone confides in you.  They make you promise to keep it to yourself.  Their secret is about some abuse they had when they was only 12 years old.  You know the abuser.  They worked in a position of authority then, and they still do.  Should you keep quiet?  There is a chance this person is doing it to other children and you have tried to get the abused person to inform the police.  They are adamant they do not want to talk to police.  What is the best thing to do?

I don't know what the best thing to do is, but if I promised to honor a friend's confidence, I would have to keep my promise.  If you were a mandated reporter of child abuse and someone told you something knowing that, then I guess that might be a loophole, but are you?

I wish there a way to let someone know about the abuser without betraying your friend's confidence or a way to talk your friend into telling someone who could do something about it what happened to him/her.  What is the abuser's position of authority?

[bodie]

There has been an outpouring of people coming forward with stories of abuse since the recent BBC scandal.  Apparently seeing other people come forward gives others confidence and it is having a domino effect.  I heard this morning that 1 in 4 young adults have suffered abuse.  Not really sure if all of these are true however in this case i am 100% certain they are telling the truth

Just to confirm the person was not raped.  They were asked to touch the adult inappropriately and also had some photos taken. 

The adult in question is a caretaker of a community centre.  His wife does the catering and is not involved and i doubt has any knowledge of this.  They both live on the premises.  Kids mostly use the centre in the holidays, and some kids whose parents are at work are left there after activities have finished.

I am not really close to the girl.  However i do care about her and my main concern is putting a double guilt trip on her by going on about her responsibility to inform the police.  She already has guilt about it, so i don't want her to be feeling guilty about keeping quiet as well.

My head tells me i should inform someone.  My heart tells me i should respect her wishes.

Pondered this for a week already.

[Natalia Evans]

Tough question for me. I would feel I would have to be a bad friend to do something right but to be a good friend I have to do something wrong by trying to protect the innocent people.

[Beardy McFuckface]

Talk to your friend about it, perhaps point out that letting someone like that person still walk around may not be the best choice.

Either way, don't do something without them knowing about it unless you want the friendship to go sour. No one likes a person being self-righteous.

[Icequeen]

Since she isn't willing to talk to anyone, and there are no witnesses, it would basically be useless, and might cost you a friend in the process.

But...what about an anonymous letter?

["couldbecousin"]

Since she isn't willing to talk to anyone, and there are no witnesses, it would basically be useless, and might cost you a friend in the process.

But...what about an anonymous letter?

  That idea ^ got me thinking.  What would your friend have to do if she decided
  to report this creep?  Would she have to be willing to testify before the police could
  even search the creep's computers and other property for photos he may have taken
  of other children?  Or could she possibly just report this confidentially and maybe the
  police would take it from there?
 

  I'll bet there are organizations near you that could explain your friend's legal options.
  You are a good friend, this dilemma sucks and I hope you can get it resolved. 

[Pyraxis]

If the girl was 12 when it happened, how old is she now?

I think it's likely the guy is doing it to other kids, but I would respect the girl's confidence.

I like the anonymous letter idea. I wonder if the girl would be willing to write it (rather than you writing it, I mean). I wonder also if it would be legally valid in the UK for you to seal it in an envelope and sign and date across the seal, whether that would mean it could be used in court against the guy without having to violate the girl's anonymity or drag her to court to testify herself.

Are you close to any other children from the center?

[renaeden]

The domino effect may happen with this particular abuser.

Example: I knew of someone who abused a person I knew, the person I knew thought he was the only one because the abuser told him that so he kept it quiet for years. But then someone spoke up about the abuser and the person I knew then felt the confidence to say something as well. It turned out a fair few people had been abused and soon everyone knew. Once the abuser was aware of this, he went and killed himself.

Chances are the abuser you have posted about hasn't just done it to one person. There could be lots involved and he could still be doing it today.

[bodie]

I met her when the urchin was at nursery.  She was on work experience from school and she really clicked with my boy and he really adores her. 

I agreed to let  her study him in her child development course.  She now attends the college on my doorstep so i reckon she is 17 or 18.  She has a boyfriend and is getting engaged.

I don't know any other kids from the centre. 

There is something called crimestoppers which is an anonymous phone line you can give information -  i might see if she will do that...or a letter.

[renaeden]

We have Crimestoppers here also.

[El]

I met her when the urchin was at nursery.  She was on work experience from school and she really clicked with my boy and he really adores her. 

I agreed to let  her study him in her child development course.  She now attends the college on my doorstep so i reckon she is 17 or 18.  She has a boyfriend and is getting engaged.

I don't know any other kids from the centre. 

There is something called crimestoppers which is an anonymous phone line you can give information -  i might see if she will do that...or a letter.

That sounds like a good way to go.  Directly pursuing legal action for what he did to the girl you know would, as stated, be difficult for a number of reasons, also including the issue of statute of limitations.

I'd also suggest you encourage the girl to get counseling if she has not already done so.  She's confiding this in someone who she isn't close to and can therefore pull away from at any time, and she's kind of tying your hands as best she can with what you can do with the info- I could be wrong, but it sounds like she's not totally sure what to do about it, herself.

If you were a mandated reporter of child abuse and someone told you something knowing that, then I guess that might be a loophole, but are you?

'at's actually not how mandated reporting works, unfortunately.

[Callaway]

I met her when the urchin was at nursery.  She was on work experience from school and she really clicked with my boy and he really adores her. 

I agreed to let  her study him in her child development course.  She now attends the college on my doorstep so i reckon she is 17 or 18.  She has a boyfriend and is getting engaged.

I don't know any other kids from the centre. 

There is something called crimestoppers which is an anonymous phone line you can give information -  i might see if she will do that...or a letter.

That sounds like a good way to go.  Directly pursuing legal action for what he did to the girl you know would, as stated, be difficult for a number of reasons, also including the issue of statute of limitations.

I'd also suggest you encourage the girl to get counseling if she has not already done so.  She's confiding this in someone who she isn't close to and can therefore pull away from at any time, and she's kind of tying your hands as best she can with what you can do with the info- I could be wrong, but it sounds like she's not totally sure what to do about it, herself.

If you were a mandated reporter of child abuse and someone told you something knowing that, then I guess that might be a loophole, but are you?

'at's actually not how mandated reporting works, unfortunately.

How does it work?