Random insightful life comments upon aging:
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison for life.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill any and keep going.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles with hip problems.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets too late to start anything new.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 25 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects that disturb the cat.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" They will leave.
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing on purpose.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited about it.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east" or "south" or where the "whatever, used to be."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Do not try to stand between me and the bathroom door if you value your health.
