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Offline ProfessorFarnsworth

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Insane Advice Thread
« on: December 23, 2011, 09:03:53 PM »
As implied, this thread is all given utterly insane and psychotic advice to everyday or curious problems/questions. Inspired by the Insanity Wolf meme.

"OMG I accidentally got pregnant, what should I do?"
"Buy coat hangers immediately"

"I lost all my money gambling, how do I stop myself?"
"Play Russian roulette with the cops!"

"Someone called me fat"
"Shove a vacuum cleaner nozzle down their throat, set on reverse, switch on and say, 'How does it feel to be fat now?'"

"I heard my friend likes Justin Beiber..."
"YOU FAIL AT LIFE, murder-suicide time! You know what to do..."

"I can't afford that cool new game, how would I get enough money for it?"
"Move to Thailand and become a whore!"

"My boyfriend is cheating on me with another woman"
"Place anti-rape device up your vagina and fuck him, call the cops after you knock him out and claim rape. Find the bitch and let her know he has AIDS for lulz."

"Why can't I get laid?"
"You're not stalking hard enough"

"Someone insulted me over the internet"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, you must track them down on google and pay them a visit with your 12 gauge, they're likely thinking the same thing so HURRY!"

"I have a bad pain in my back"
"Harass a gang for a free punch up chiropractics and stabbing/shooting acupuncture, you won't feel THAT pain any more"

"Why did my partner leave me?"
"You didn't restrain them? You stupid fuck! You always puts the lotion in the basket and place them in a pit"

"Hey I've got $20 dollars to spend, what should I buy?"
"Buy shitloads of flour and snort it like a boss, at least it sort of looks like cocaine"

"I feel incredibly ill, should I see a doctor?"
"NO! Cut yourself open to diagnose yourself!"

"I am bored"
"Place alligator clips on your genitals and hook up to fuse box... Funniest shit ever!"

"Where should I visit for my next holiday?"
"North Korea. Call Kim Jong Il a faggot for a special tour"

"How do I get rid of pimples?"
"Use a sand blaster!"

"My friend is depressed, how can I cheer them up?"
"Make love to them, obviously. Then they'll never want to be depressed again."

Eh, that's all I can do for now. I have a feeling it'll be all hit-n-miss, but those give examples. Any one else is welcome to add more to this thread. Have fun. :toporly:
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Existence actually has two broad meanings despite its apparent meaningless. The constant reconciliation of all its parts, and the conservation of any closed system as a whole.

Morality can be extrapolated from these meanings to make these two commandments of godless morality: 1). Be in harmony with one another and 2). Care for the environment.

Offline ProfessorFarnsworth

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2011, 10:43:34 PM »
It feel strangely therapeutic writing these... I wonder what it says about my psychological state. :orly:

"Oh no, I accidentally stained my white shirt"
"Cut yourself and turn it into a red shirt"

"I need some help, my child is misbehaving"
"Sell them to slavery and purchase them back after 10 years"

"My car's broken down, what do I do?"
"Place in middle of road, wait for car to stop and driver to step out and murder them. Congratulations, you got yourself a free new car"

"My neighbour is playing loud music"
"Buy hundreds of smoke detectors, throw all of them through the windows and burn their house down. Now they'll know how it feels to have loud music."

"My neighbour is an asshole and I want them to move out"
"Butcher them and rape their corpses! You know it makes sense!"

"A kid threw a rock through my window"
"Throw a bullet back into their face and throw their body through their window"

"What colour should I dye my hair"
"With ethanol and absolutely flaming!"

"I can't seem to get it up any more"
"Screw viagra, shove a iron rod in it and the ladies will now love you!"

"Help, a man is stalking me"
"Stalk him right back, it's obvious he loves you!"

"I am unemployed, what job is ideal?"
"I am sure serial killer will set you up for life. Raid the victim's wallets and resell credit cards to other identity thieves and scammers for profit! Just remember they're not dead if they're never found."

"I hate my boss, what can I do about it?"
"You know all those horrendous BDSM fantasies you once had, yeah, invite your boss to a real event you've set up (by force if necessary) and make him your bitch!"

"I love this person but they're already with someone else"
"Kill that person and carve your true feelings on their chest for your lover to read. It's the thought that counts you know."
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Existence actually has two broad meanings despite its apparent meaningless. The constant reconciliation of all its parts, and the conservation of any closed system as a whole.

Morality can be extrapolated from these meanings to make these two commandments of godless morality: 1). Be in harmony with one another and 2). Care for the environment.

Offline Callaway

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2011, 10:49:59 PM »
 :laugh:

What should I cook for Christmas dinner?
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Offline ProfessorFarnsworth

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2011, 10:52:01 PM »
Quote from: Callaway on December 23, 2011, 10:49:59 PM
:laugh:

What should I cook for Christmas dinner?

The family pet and call it the most loving meal you've ever produced!
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Existence actually has two broad meanings despite its apparent meaningless. The constant reconciliation of all its parts, and the conservation of any closed system as a whole.

Morality can be extrapolated from these meanings to make these two commandments of godless morality: 1). Be in harmony with one another and 2). Care for the environment.

Offline Callaway

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2011, 10:55:55 PM »
We had almost a foot of snow yesterday and our neighbor shoveled our sidewalk for us with his snow blower.  What should we give him to show our appreciation for his thoughtfulness?
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Offline ProfessorFarnsworth

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2011, 11:00:41 PM »
Quote from: Callaway on December 23, 2011, 10:55:55 PM
We had almost a foot of snow yesterday and our neighbor shoveled our sidewalk for us with his snow blower.  What should we give him to show our appreciation for his thoughtfulness?

A flamethrower and demonstrate it by setting fire to his house, that snow will be gone in no time.
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Existence actually has two broad meanings despite its apparent meaningless. The constant reconciliation of all its parts, and the conservation of any closed system as a whole.

Morality can be extrapolated from these meanings to make these two commandments of godless morality: 1). Be in harmony with one another and 2). Care for the environment.

Offline renaeden

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2011, 11:55:51 PM »
Yes I have seen the Insanity Wolf, pretty crazy. :D
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Offline ProfessorFarnsworth

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2011, 01:27:28 AM »
...
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Existence actually has two broad meanings despite its apparent meaningless. The constant reconciliation of all its parts, and the conservation of any closed system as a whole.

Morality can be extrapolated from these meanings to make these two commandments of godless morality: 1). Be in harmony with one another and 2). Care for the environment.

Offline Calavera

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2011, 01:52:59 AM »
It's already Christmas eve but haven't yet got a present for that one cousin who got me a present. What should I get him?
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Offline ProfessorFarnsworth

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2011, 01:56:27 AM »
Quote from: Calavera on December 24, 2011, 01:52:59 AM
It's already Christmas eve but haven't yet got a present for that one cousin who got me a present. What should I get him?

A box of chilled nitroglycerin with manure. Tell him to shake well before opening and run like fuck!
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Existence actually has two broad meanings despite its apparent meaningless. The constant reconciliation of all its parts, and the conservation of any closed system as a whole.

Morality can be extrapolated from these meanings to make these two commandments of godless morality: 1). Be in harmony with one another and 2). Care for the environment.

Offline ProfessorFarnsworth

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2011, 08:08:44 PM »
...
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Existence actually has two broad meanings despite its apparent meaningless. The constant reconciliation of all its parts, and the conservation of any closed system as a whole.

Morality can be extrapolated from these meanings to make these two commandments of godless morality: 1). Be in harmony with one another and 2). Care for the environment.

Offline ProfessorFarnsworth

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2011, 08:56:57 PM »
"What should be my new year's resolution?"
"Find highest building, jump off and masturbate furiously as you fall. The ultimate thrill turbo orgasm!"

"Is the world going to end in 2012?"
"YES! You must play your part and murder your entire neighbourhood, they will thank you in hell for it"

"Whiskey or Wine for new year's?"
"You fucking pussy! Methanol is a man's drink!"

"Any advice for giving good head?"
"Get them near orgasm and then BITE AS HARD AS YOU CAN!"

"How will I get home safely from the pub tonight? I'm too drunk"
"Steal a truck and run over all that stands in your way!"

"Oh fuck, the cops have a road block for DUI testing and I'm over the limit, what do I do?"
"Set yourself on fire and drive past them quickly! They won't dare book you then."

"I'm stuck out in the middle of a lightning storm and there's a lot of trees around..."
"Quick! Chainsaw the entire forest down!"
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Existence actually has two broad meanings despite its apparent meaningless. The constant reconciliation of all its parts, and the conservation of any closed system as a whole.

Morality can be extrapolated from these meanings to make these two commandments of godless morality: 1). Be in harmony with one another and 2). Care for the environment.

Offline Callaway

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #12 on: December 25, 2011, 04:29:34 AM »
I bought a prime rib roast for dinner tomorrow.  Do you advise cooking it for a longer time at a lower temperature or a shorter time at a higher temperature?

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Offline ProfessorFarnsworth

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #13 on: December 25, 2011, 05:14:07 AM »
Quote from: Callaway on December 25, 2011, 04:29:34 AM
I bought a prime rib roast for dinner tomorrow.  Do you advise cooking it for a longer time at a lower temperature or a shorter time at a higher temperature?

I advise you take it to Fukushima Dai-ichi Nuclear Power Plant, drop it into the reactor, wait an hour, retrieve and serve in 300 years.
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Existence actually has two broad meanings despite its apparent meaningless. The constant reconciliation of all its parts, and the conservation of any closed system as a whole.

Morality can be extrapolated from these meanings to make these two commandments of godless morality: 1). Be in harmony with one another and 2). Care for the environment.

Offline Callaway

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Re: Insane Advice Thread
« Reply #14 on: December 25, 2011, 05:15:42 AM »
That's exactly what I'll do.  Thanks.

 :lol:
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