http://clientsfromhell.net/This website is hilarious. Here's a bunch of examples:
CLIENT: “Could you edit this button on the website.”
ME: “Which one are you talking about?”
CLIENT: “This one.”
ME: “Which one?”
CLIENT: “The one my mouse is pointing at, are you blind!?”
ME: “…We’re having this conversation over the phone. I can’t see your mouse.”
CLIENT: “Well then go onto the site! I’m hovering the mouse right over the button. It’s hard to miss!”
ME: “What!?”
CLIENT: “Hello, I’m looking to make a reservation arriving on the 13th and departing on the 12th.”
ME: “Okay, so you are arriving on the 12th for one night?”
CLIENT: “No, in on the 13th, out on the 12th.”
ME: “So, in on July 13th and out on August 12th?”
CLIENT: “Are you having a bad day?”
ME: “What? No.”
CLIENT: “I think you might be…”
ME: “No, you’re asking me if you can check-out of your room the day before you check-in…”
CLIENT: “I can’t deal with this sort of negativity!”
ME: “Neither can I. Literally!”
CLIENT: “When I Google ‘Open Sundays’, our company website doesn’t even come up.”
ME: “Why would it?”
CLIENT: “Uh, because we’re open Sundays. Obviously.”
ME: “There are a lot of places that are open on Sunday, though.”
CLIENT: “But I wasn’t looking for those other sites, I was looking for ours. Are you even paying attention!?”
"I don’t know. Aren’t colours completely subjective anyways? Everyone’s going to see something different, so you might as well just choose at random."
— A client I was doing a logo for, expressing some subjectivist existentialism.
CLIENT: “The word ‘Blog’ sounds too alien. (Does an impression with his arms)’Glip glorp zoop blog, I am a martian’, if you know what I mean.”
ME: “Um, I guess I do, sure.”
CLIENT: “There’s no humanity in it! I want people to associate our company with humanness.”
ME: “So you want to remove the blog page?”
CLIENT: “No, keep it. But can we call it our ‘feelings and opinions space’ instead?”
ME: “Sure. The only thing is, it’s on a ‘blogspot’ subdomain.”
CLIENT: “Just change that to a ‘feelingsandopinionsspot’, sub-dome-whatever. Easy, see? You just have to start thinking like me!”
ME: “…”
CLIENT: “Can you make it so when people land on our website, it’s, like, all black with stars coming out of the screen all whoosh whoosh (does the action) like in that screensaver?”
ME: “…”
CLIENT: “With the music from Star Wars.”
ME: “…”
CLIENT: “And it does that for, like, a minute, then stops and they have to click on one of the stars.”
ME: “Any star?”
CLIENT: “No. No. A specific star that they’ll have to find—make it different every time.”
ME: “…”
CLIENT: “Then when they find the right star, there’s like a massive explosion that the site spins out of (does the action), like in the old Batman series”
ME: “For your company site?”
CLIENT: “Yeah”
ME: “The company that cleans up addicts’ used needles from parks and playgrounds?”
CLIENT: “Yeah”
ME: “No”
CLIENT: “…well, you’re not much fun.”
"Just throw some fucking flowers or something in there"
— The head of sales, contacting me to design a flashbanner for a botanical garden.
CLIENT: “I took a photo with the colours I want for my home page, I’ll send it to you, but I can’t seem to find my damn phone.”
ME: “Wait, so what are you calling me from?”
CLIENT: “…”
ME: “…”
CLIENT: “You can’t let ANYONE know about this!”
"We’ve discussed it, and I think the thing we don’t like about it is the circle’s too round."
"Is she gone yet?"