Do you need to love yourself before it's possible to love another person ?

[eris]

but that means it is possible. I dont understand how half the votes say that I cant even understand what love is or be able to feel the emotion.

[Celticgoddess]

I think if it's to be long lasting and healthy for both parties, then I think one needs a deep understanding of themselves. A lot of people go into a relationship to "fix" whatever they feel is "wrong" with themselves. To fill an empty void, to feel needed, to have someone to throw their attention on, etc. The best relationships I've had is after I've had my own shit figured out.

I don't want anyone to rescue me (and I seem to drawn in guys who like to rescue, given my current situation) and I'm annoyingly independent with a strong stubborn streak.  But I've found that relationships become healthier and more productive and have the ability to go the distance when you've met your own needs first and what your partner brings to your relationship is a benefit, not a band-aid. And on the flipside, I'm attracted to guys who have their shit figured out as well. Someone who is at the same stage in life as me.

[eris]

I just want to wake up to someone spooning me. I dont think I want rescued, but I do want to feel needed.  I really dont ask for that much out of the men I date and some feel that is good, some think bad. It's probably bad and I should be more picky. I dont think that means I've never been in love.

[Adam]

but that means it is possible. I dont understand how half the votes say that I cant even understand what love is or be able to feel the emotion.

Exactly. this is what I was getting at. If someone votes Yes but are only meaning for them themselves tho, then that's fine

[midlifeaspie]

If you can't see something in yourself to love then you can't ever understand what someone else could see in you that they could love.  If you can't understand where your partner's love is coming from, or what it is based on, you will inevitably reject it or be unable to really believe it.  This will cause the ultimate failure of the relationship.

[eris]

If you can't see something in yourself to love then you can't ever understand what someone else could see in you that they could love.  If you can't understand where your partner's love is coming from, or what it is based on, you will inevitably reject it or be unable to really believe it.  This will cause the ultimate failure of the relationship.

ok, it might cause the failure of the relationship but how does that mean the person cannot feel love for someone?

[Celticgoddess]

I just want to wake up to someone spooning me. I dont think I want rescued, but I do want to feel needed.  I really dont ask for that much out of the men I date and some feel that is good, some think bad. It's probably bad and I should be more picky. I dont think that means I've never been in love.

I think there's a big difference in wanting to feel needed in a healthy way, and wanting to feel needed in a really co-dependent needy way. Does that make sense?

I think people can feel love no matter what their intentions are for being in the relationship. But if they're looking for a relationship to be long lasting (I think of my parents in that regard, together 46 years) then it has to have healthy elements to it. Balance, reciprocation, trust, honesty, respect etc.

[midlifeaspie]

If you can't see something in yourself to love then you can't ever understand what someone else could see in you that they could love.  If you can't understand where your partner's love is coming from, or what it is based on, you will inevitably reject it or be unable to really believe it.  This will cause the ultimate failure of the relationship.

ok, it might cause the failure of the relationship but how does that mean the person cannot feel love for someone?

How do you know what "love" even feels like?  How do you know it isn't lust, or like, or co-dependency?

[eris]

I was married for almost 5 years. It that isn't love then I don't even. How do YOU know what love even feels like ?

[Psychophant]

I just want to wake up to someone spooning me. I dont think I want rescued, but I do want to feel needed.  I really dont ask for that much out of the men I date and some feel that is good, some think bad. It's probably bad and I should be more picky. I dont think that means I've never been in love.

I think there's a big difference in wanting to feel needed in a healthy way, and wanting to feel needed in a really co-dependent needy way. Does that make sense?

I think people can feel love no matter what their intentions are for being in the relationship. But if they're looking for a relationship to be long lasting (I think of my parents in that regard, together 46 years) then it has to have healthy elements to it. Balance, reciprocation, trust, honesty, respect etc.

CG, you made the two best posts of this thread!     That is why my GF and I have been friends for years and now we have a relationship that seems pretty rock steady.  I and she are finally comfortable enough in our skins to be comfortable with each other.  If we stay together great, if we split at some point....well, we have both learned and that is what a good relationship is about......I may be young, but, I feel a lot better about myself from being with her!

[midlifeaspie]

I was married for almost 5 years. It that isn't love then I don't even. How do YOU know what love even feels like ?

I was married to a woman for 3 years that I never loved, lived with her for 7.  Stayed out of fear of dying alone, not love.

To me, love feels like looking at a part of myself that is outside myself.  If I didn't love some part of myself I wouldn't know how to recognize that in another.

[eris]

To me love is when I can crawl right inside someone and feel comfortable there. It is someone I would never even want to think about betraying. It's someone I would die for, and fight for eternally. It is someone who is pure light and the sex doesnt even matter anymore. It's someone who makes me feel actual physical pains in my stomach to leave them. It is someone that makes me like my waking dreams more than my sleepy ones. It is someone who's faults are ok, and mistakes are forgivable. It is someone who's bodily functions do not gross me out, and I can happily watch him play nintendo all day and think "awww". I know love.

[Celticgoddess]

I just want to wake up to someone spooning me. I dont think I want rescued, but I do want to feel needed.  I really dont ask for that much out of the men I date and some feel that is good, some think bad. It's probably bad and I should be more picky. I dont think that means I've never been in love.

I think there's a big difference in wanting to feel needed in a healthy way, and wanting to feel needed in a really co-dependent needy way. Does that make sense?

I think people can feel love no matter what their intentions are for being in the relationship. But if they're looking for a relationship to be long lasting (I think of my parents in that regard, together 46 years) then it has to have healthy elements to it. Balance, reciprocation, trust, honesty, respect etc.

CG, you made the two best posts of this thread!     That is why my GF and I have been friends for years and now we have a relationship that seems pretty rock steady.  I and she are finally comfortable enough in our skins to be comfortable with each other.  If we stay together great, if we split at some point....well, we have both learned and that is what a good relationship is about......I may be young, but, I feel a lot better about myself from being with her!

When you find that kind of connection, it's an amazing experience

[Adam]

MLA just because love means one thing to you doesn't mean it means the same thing to everyone else. How can you say "how do you even know what love feels like?" You are not the authority on love.

[Binty]

Best literary definition of love ever:

“And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the program I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes, your lips, your neck, your breasts, your arse and sit on the steps smoking ‘til your neighbor comes home and sit on the steps smoking ‘til you come home and worry when you’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance ‘til I’m black and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep I can’t find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it’s empty without you and want want you want and think I’m losing myself but know I’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really don’t want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.”