Just one quick bitch, part two

[renaeden]

Ew! post-ictal shitty. Ew! (ahem, credits go to kassiane S for the amusing name, she shouldn't mind me...borrowing it.)

God I HATE seizures in my sleep. Kinda causes a partial wake-up (in me at least) along with first myoclonic then atonic seizures. Makes me keep dropping, head keeps falling, only for me to pick it back up and it happens again. And worst of all maybe aside from the dropping when I loose muscle tone, I always get the absolute worst of nightmares too during it, and with the time dilation even a short time seems to feel like ages.

And it makes me constantly drop my arm when I become aware enough to try and fight my way out of the paralysis and start reaching for meds to bring the bastard things to a reasonably prompt end.

I just had one, and christ, the PTSD-connected nightmare that came with it...its been almost an hour or thereabouts and I'm still shaking.

That sounds horrible, really awful. My language isn't as colourful as yours!

The meds - don't you have a preventer for the seizures, rather than just a reliever?

Edit to correct a Kindle-induced spelling mistake.

[Lestat]

Its one and the same. Will do both, but its short acting. Well, intermediate. And I kinda borrowed the descriptive term from kassiane (aka rettdevil), shes got quite a similar way with words as I am told I do. (and cute as hell too hah).

Problem is, I only am given enough of the stuff to attempt to prevent the seizures. if I have one, and have no choice but to take the stuff to end it, and it does, it brings me out of it near enough as soon as the gelcaps break open, chlormethiazole it is, an old, old old sedative-hypnotic, not first line for seizures in fact I don't think its ANY line, at least not in the BNF.

Just checked, and it isn't. But it IS pretty effective. Main beef I have with it is short duration of action.
But, whilst the process does, IMO, need some fine tuning, the lack of enough to both reverse a seizure if it does happen, and prophylaxis (which for the most part is working fairly well) can be dealt with. Its not a particularly difficult compound to synthesis. Starting from vitamin B1 (thiamine), if things get a bit too active to keep under control, during waking hours (well obviously:P)  its a two step process. Hydrolysis of vitamin B1 to some soluble pyrimidine crap, and precipitation out of the intermediate alcohol, from the half containing the thiazole ring of B1, thiazole-2-ethanol, chlorination of tha thionyl chloride works perfectly, although I suppose phosphorus chlorides or the Appel rxn could be used also; and then separation out of the oily end product, after adding water (needs doing in anhydrous, or at least dry conditions) to quench any residual SOCl2 (copious gas evolution if much be present, SO2, HCl(g), stuff fumes like a politician being pressed for a straight answer if one simply opens the bottle. And it smells terrible from the evolving sulfurous and HCl fumes)

And theres one other problem with doing it oneself, the stuff is not amenable to acid-base extraction as I understand it, because solid salts are not easy to form, only the edisylate salt is well characterized, and ethanedisulfonic acid is not cheap. Could make it, but no point in salting the stuff, its a nuisalce. And the base tastes fucking nasty.

["couldbecousin"]

  Hot flashes + anger = 

[renaeden]

I got a message from my ex best friend saying how unsupportive I was about her self harm. Hell, she nearly topped herself a few times doing it, I was beside myself with worry. She kept saying how she would never do it again and then she would do it again.

She also said in this message how much she and her family had done for me so I had not only hurt her, but her family too. Geez.

I would like to reply but I don't know what to say.

Well I did end up replying. I apologised but also said that I had a point (because her last message was to me saying I was the only one who thought the way I did in disbelieving her that she would self harm again after being so adamant about not ever doing it again. I have been down the self harm track but I never told anyone I wouldn't do it again, even I didn't know if I would).

So we got to talking and she blamed my "mistakes in communication" on autism. I didn't care, I went along with it. Hell, maybe it really was my autism! I don't tend to analyse what I say and think is it related to my autism or my ADHD.

She told me about what had happened in the time we weren't talking. She apparently had a psychotic episode whilst in hospital (she has been making the rounds of the private hospitals - this one is the third different one), only the doctors didn't call it that, she did. She punched a wall and cried in the bathroom. Because she harmed herself and showed violence, the hospital people discharged her and said come back in two weeks. Kind of weird.

This was last week. Monday I think. Yesterday was the first day we actually got to talking again via text. At about 6 pm she text me saying, "Had another episode. Going to ED with Mum." I text back saying that it sucked but I was glad her mum was with her. She said that her mum didn't understand psychotic episodes and could I please take her mum home and then come back to the hospital to wait with her in the ED. I stupidly did this. When I saw her, her forearm was all bandaged (stitches from cutting) and her hand was very thickly bandaged from, you guessed it, hitting the wall again. She called that a psychotic episode again. Hitting a wall in anger is a psychotic episode. This is when I started to not feel sorry for her. She was there to get an x-ray of her hand. This reminded me of previous times I had been with her in the ED. This was self harm, but a different kind.

Anyway, we went through to the ED treatment waiting area and my friend was told to remove her bandage from her hand which she did. I saw a lot of bruising and swelling and she had cut it so it was bleeding too. I had to stand up because all the seats were taken but I didn't mind. She then said she had to go to the toilet. So she left and then a minute later we (me and the patients waiting for treatment) heard banging. Someone said, "What's that?" and a couple of nurses ran to the toilets. I heard, "Why are you punching the wall? Why are you punching the wall?"  The banging stopped and about 5 minutes later my friend came out and sat down and I asked her, "Why did you do that?" She replied, "I was angry." We had been talking about the weather of all things. And she was angry? I asked what about and she said I wouldn't understand. I said, "That's self harm." She disagreed. We hardly spoke afterwards. I was angry, heh. She went and had the x-ray, nothing was broken and she was discharged after a doctor bandaged up her hand.

She text me later that night, saying that I had only had 5 years learning psychology, her doctor had only been so for 10 years and her mental health worker wasn't even 30 yet so she would take the advice from her friend on Facebook who was a retired psych nurse over our advice every time. I said that the main thing I got out of my psych degree was an awareness of what I don't know and any advice I could give was from a friend's point of view.

That was my Friday night. We have texted each other today but not about much. I am not in the mood.

[Al Swearegen]

I got a message from my ex best friend saying how unsupportive I was about her self harm. Hell, she nearly topped herself a few times doing it, I was beside myself with worry. She kept saying how she would never do it again and then she would do it again.

She also said in this message how much she and her family had done for me so I had not only hurt her, but her family too. Geez.

I would like to reply but I don't know what to say.

Well I did end up replying. I apologised but also said that I had a point (because her last message was to me saying I was the only one who thought the way I did in disbelieving her that she would self harm again after being so adamant about not ever doing it again. I have been down the self harm track but I never told anyone I wouldn't do it again, even I didn't know if I would).

So we got to talking and she blamed my "mistakes in communication" on autism. I didn't care, I went along with it. Hell, maybe it really was my autism! I don't tend to analyse what I say and think is it related to my autism or my ADHD.

She told me about what had happened in the time we weren't talking. She apparently had a psychotic episode whilst in hospital (she has been making the rounds of the private hospitals - this one is the third different one), only the doctors didn't call it that, she did. She punched a wall and cried in the bathroom. Because she harmed herself and showed violence, the hospital people discharged her and said come back in two weeks. Kind of weird.

This was last week. Monday I think. Yesterday was the first day we actually got to talking again via text. At about 6 pm she text me saying, "Had another episode. Going to ED with Mum." I text back saying that it sucked but I was glad her mum was with her. She said that her mum didn't understand psychotic episodes and could I please take her mum home and then come back to the hospital to wait with her in the ED. I stupidly did this. When I saw her, her forearm was all bandaged (stitches from cutting) and her hand was very thickly bandaged from, you guessed it, hitting the wall again. She called that a psychotic episode again. Hitting a wall in anger is a psychotic episode. This is when I started to not feel sorry for her. She was there to get an x-ray of her hand. This reminded me of previous times I had been with her in the ED. This was self harm, but a different kind.

Anyway, we went through to the ED treatment waiting area and my friend was told to remove her bandage from her hand which she did. I saw a lot of bruising and swelling and she had cut it so it was bleeding too. I had to stand up because all the seats were taken but I didn't mind. She then said she had to go to the toilet. So she left and then a minute later we (me and the patients waiting for treatment) heard banging. Someone said, "What's that?" and a couple of nurses ran to the toilets. I heard, "Why are you punching the wall? Why are you punching the wall?"  The banging stopped and about 5 minutes later my friend came out and sat down and I asked her, "Why did you do that?" She replied, "I was angry." We had been talking about the weather of all things. And she was angry? I asked what about and she said I wouldn't understand. I said, "That's self harm." She disagreed. We hardly spoke afterwards. I was angry, heh. She went and had the x-ray, nothing was broken and she was discharged after a doctor bandaged up her hand.

She text me later that night, saying that I had only had 5 years learning psychology, her doctor had only been so for 10 years and her mental health worker wasn't even 30 yet so she would take the advice from her friend on Facebook who was a retired psych nurse over our advice every time. I said that the main thing I got out of my psych degree was an awareness of what I don't know and any advice I could give was from a friend's point of view.

That was my Friday night. We have texted each other today but not about much. I am not in the mood.

I think she needs to take a long walk off a short pier

[Icequeen]

I think she needs to take a long walk off a short pier

I'm with Al.

I think you need to stop answering your phone and let her family deal with it before she drags you into the pit with her.

Be selfish and worry about Ren for awhile.

[Lestat]

I agree, screw the bitch.

Although venting some steam is not what I would classify as self harm. There things like razorblades, poisons, nooses come to mind more than pounding a wall. Better something inanimate and not disposed to being damaged than twatting someone in a fit of pique, no?

[Pyraxis]

I said that the main thing I got out of my psych degree was an awareness of what I don't know and any advice I could give was from a friend's point of view.

This is an excellent answer. 

[renaeden]

Thanks Pyraxis.

Sometimes I don't know if what I say will make her upset or not. She strikes me as being very borderline but she says she only meets 3 criteria.

[Icequeen]

Thanks Pyraxis.

Sometimes I don't know if what I say will make her upset or not. She strikes me as being very borderline but she says she only meets 3 criteria.

Her behavior seems very passive-aggressive but I never studied psychology...just people...and dysfunctional family members.   

But the way she calls you, treats you, and then acts up the worst when you are around makes me feel in a way that you're the one she wants to hurt in an indirect way. Whether it's from jealousy, or anger ...whatever it is it's not right and you don't deserve it.   

Either way I would step back and remove myself from it for awhile and maybe see if her behavior improves after the initial withdrawal period.

[Lestat]

Screw that, she sounds like shes had enough chances. Think of yourself ren, cut her loose she will only bleed you dry.

[renaeden]

Her behavior seems very passive-aggressive but I never studied psychology...just people...and dysfunctional family members.   

But the way she calls you, treats you, and then acts up the worst when you are around makes me feel in a way that you're the one she wants to hurt in an indirect way. Whether it's from jealousy, or anger ...whatever it is it's not right and you don't deserve it.   

Either way I would step back and remove myself from it for awhile and maybe see if her behavior improves after the initial withdrawal period.

Before the above events happened, I hasn't seen or been in contact with (I'll call her C) C for about a month because we had an argument over her self harm. She said she was never going to do it again, I didn't believe her and she said I was the only one who thought that way. Well it turned out I was right, she did do it again.

On Monday she went to the doctor for pain in her hand, had an x-ray. Turned out she's broken 3 bones in her wrist and had to go to the hospital to get a cast. Last I heard from her, she was complaining how other people were seen before her.

No contact since then.

[Lestat]

Good. You think of yourself hun, that bent little stuck-up tart  can go to the devil. Screw pandering to her borderline bitch whims and dirtying your ear canals with the slime that drips from the forks on the end of her tongue.

And its one thing just to pound on a wall in, well, blowing off some steam if it HAS to have an outlet for the sake of everything else more valuable and less damageable, I sure have a few times over the course of my existence, but not that HARD. Theres a world of difference between slapping/thumping on a wall and letting loose with a burst of caustic and viciously heartfelt cursing and quite another using the force needed to break a hand/wrist.

It needs quite an impact to actually break bones. I did once, although that was through hitting somebody determined to beat the stuffing out of me, and going by the fact that it wasn't an outright splintering of bone, but hairline fractures, and from the quantity of force applied to the face of the nasty little thug in question (the little shit of course doubtless having an extremely dense, hypertrophic and excessively calcified, if more or less empty bar a little baked-bean sized cavity in the center for something organic and sloppy that wobbles when belted in the nose/jaw/temples ) compared to actual human beings, but still.

Your nasty little former friend must have hit the wall pretty hard to actually outright break the hand, especially in multiple places.   

["couldbecousin"]

  So much to do.  So many loads of laundry to be schlepped. 

[odeon]

I am nauseous and have a headache.