This history shit is boring me. 
I wish I had a girlfriend so that I wouldn't be so lonely and have someone to not disappoint. Life is a joke.
I think you have 2 different reasons for a girlfriend and neither one is a good enough reason for a relationship.
I wish I had a girlfriend so I wouldn't be so lonely = it's all about me, babe. Well, in the end we
are the most important person to ourselves. No one else is guaranteed to be with us through thick and thin and with us at the end of our life. But you want someone in the meantime
for you, normal and human selfishness. It may be normal, but it's not a good reason.
and have someone not to disappoint = an impossibility. You can't surrender yourself to this person without deserting yourself and giving up your innate selfishness. How can you make her happy if it's something that you don't want to or can't do? Anyone who wants you to change for the wrong reasons isn't the one for you. Right reason is improve your skills so you can get a job and support a family. Wrong reason is improve your skills so you can buy her things. Subtle difference, but one is more likely to give you long term happiness.
Listen, I understand you want a relationship now. Work on figuring yourself out. What's important to you now vs. what's likely to be important to you in the future. If you'll want a family in the future, then don't go looking for a date at a bar. See if there is a class in human relationships or some similar topic in college. Take it to see what you can learn from the class and the professor. Check out some relationship books from the library. I don't always agree with Laura Schleshinger, but her 10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their lives is a must read. Don't beat yourself up if you make a social blunder, just learn from it and go on. And an apology can sometimes help mend a situation gone bad.
See if someone can give you the names of some movies to watch analytically to see what people do right and wrong in beginning a relationship. Shallow Hal is one of my favorites. Get out there in a nice sort of way. Volunteer at an animal shelter, or something similar.
Look at some men's fashion magazines, even websites for mens wear. You may not be able to afford the exact clothes, but if you notice that a lot of the clothes are pullover V-neck sweaters, then get one or 2 from the thrift store. Don't go round in ratty clothes. Dress for the type of woman you'd like to attract, after all we dress for the man we'd like to attract. Make sure your grooming is top notch every day.
Quit being so defensive and almost obnoxious. I find that when I'm nervous or anxious I sometimes get a bit obnoxious and I realized that's a pattern that was one of my bigger problems when I was younger.
Well, I've preached enough. As they say in 12 Step Programs, take what you need and leave the rest.
