I masturbate upwards of seven times a day, and I am starting to run out of towels.
The other day I farted at work in the back room, and My boss walked through it and threw up, I later gave in and took a shit at work, It looked like something from a hentai tentacle rape movie, it was terrifying because it just didn't stop, and it was so loud and stunk like indian food gone bad sitting in an open sewer.
One time I told a guy who had a dying relative that I couldn't cover for him at work because I had to pick up a guy in the middle of nowhere a couple of states over the next day, in reality I was going to see a band I have seen at least 70 times.