Door to door jesus

[Parts]

The door to door people selling jesus are coming I saw them down the street

I fucking hate them it's a nice day and I just want to hide.  I have no desire to even interact with them why must they keep coming? They ignore my "NO PEDDLING" sign and always knock or approach me in the yard it drives me and my dogs nuts.  They are persistent too like fucking misquotes trying to suck blood.  Are they everywhere and why do they keep at it.  I think these ones are mormans 

[Phlexor]

Dude, you need to take pleasure in fucking with their shit.

[normal_impaired]

Them: "Sir, do you know Jesus Christ"

Me: "No, I do not, but I do know that Jesus is a Greek translation from the Hebrew name Yoshua which would translate into English as Joshua, and that Christ is a Greek translation of the Hebrew word Messiah, which means The Anointed One in English.  Add to this the fact that the man being referred to spoke Aramaic."

Them: "So what are you getting at"

Me: "What I'm getting at is that you're knocking on my door at 8:30am on a saturday morning during a massive hangover so you can preach at me about a savior that you don't even know the actual name of."

Them: "Well, the name Jesus appears in the Bible"

Me: "When you say the Bible, do you mean the ancient Hebrew scrolls formed into the Canon by the Second Council of Nicaea, or do you mean the Walmart clearance bin version which either is or is based on the King James Version which was heavily modified by King James I of England to fit his own political views?"

Them: "I don't know"

Me: That's right, you don't, you just got out-Bibled by an Atheist, how does that make you feel?"

[Tesla]

Answer the door nude.  They don't hang around for long.

[Scrapheap]

Dude, you need to take pleasure in fucking with their shit.

That's what I do!! 

[Scrapheap]

[RageBeoulve]

Answer the door nude.  They don't hang around for long.

Nah, just the dick hanging out of the pajama bottoms. When you open the door, say "Hey, looks like i've got a package for you!".

Gets em every time. 

[Icequeen]

I'm considering one of these, they look fun.

http://www.howtodothings.com/family-relationships/how-to-get-revenge-with-your-remote-control-sprinkler

[Callaway]

I'm considering one of these, they look fun.

http://www.howtodothings.com/family-relationships/how-to-get-revenge-with-your-remote-control-sprinkler

I want one, too.

•Solicit this. Hey, solicitors are trespassing on your property, too, aren’t they? Well, give them a taste of sprinkler justice and after a few lawn baths, the Jehovah's Witnesses, real estate agents, and candy-selling teenagers will be spreading the word of your evil ways… and they’ll all think twice about knocking on your door.

•Rinse, repeat..... You’re going to have repeat offenders. Like all lessons in life, some people have to be taught a few times before their education sticks. So be prepared to play Lawn God as much as it takes for anyone brazen enough to keep trying you to get the message.

[normal_impaired]

I'm considering one of these, they look fun.

http://www.howtodothings.com/family-relationships/how-to-get-revenge-with-your-remote-control-sprinkler

$150? fuck that, get a regular lawn sprinkler and put it out in your yard, then run the hose in through a window or something and back out to the yard (make sure that if you use multiple hoses for length, that the couplings are outside so they don't leak in the house).  Turn on the hose outside and get the sprinkler running (and make sure it has ample coverage of the walkway areas).  Then kink the hose by folding it over so the water stops flowing, and tie the sides of the kink together with a piece of rope in a slip knot.  When someone comes by that you think should be "enlightened", pull the rope to release the knot and watch the same end result of the $150 method work fine with stuff you already have in your house.

Or, if you already have a sprinkler system installed, unlike what that idiot says, there's no need to dig it up, just find the control panel for it, and set either set it to run constantly or set the time so it will run for the next hour or so.  Next, you should see a little plastic cylinder (usually beige) with wires coming out of it attached to the side of the house with a bracket, this is the rain detector, it's just a really sensitive button that activates when rain drops fall on it to shut off the sprinkler system.  When the rain detector is activated, there's usually about a 2-10 second delay until the system resets and turns the sprinklers back on.  Remove the screws holding this detector to the side of the house and bring it in through a window, then put a piece of tape over the button so the sprinklers stay off until someone comes up.  The delay can work in your favor if the detector is on the back side of the house because you can let the person come up and ring the doorbell, and once they start to walk away you should have enough time to run to wherever the detector is, pull off the tape, and come back just in time to see the heads pop up and start soaking whoever decided to come into the yard.

Or you could just build one of these:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/irqHWEPM1OE&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1&amp;" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/irqHWEPM1OE&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1&amp;</a>

[Callaway]

Surprise, Surprise!

 

 

[Icequeen]

Yep, $150 is way more than my cheap ass would spend, I just liked his presentation.

I was thinking more in the line of:

http://www.instructables.com/id/Remote-Controlled-Hose-Valve/

or

http://www.amazon.com/Nelson-Remote-Watering-Control-56620/dp/B0015APG0S

[Al Swearegen]

Answer the door nude.  They don't hang around for long.

My Dad's friend is a comedian and actually did this once with back up from his long suffering wife 

[Eclair]

Answer the door nude.  They don't hang around for long.

My Dad's friend is a comedian and actually did this once with back up from his long suffering wife 

We had neighbours who complained about the noise once and my flatmates boyfriend answered the door naked.

Problem solved, no more complaining.

[Al Swearegen]

Excellent!