Really really hating being an Ass Burger today. The worst feelings in years....like even back when I was 7 years old...the inability to interact...feels like the equivalent.
Not very good, know I will move through it...but haven't had a feeling like this for such a long time, it came as a shock....a real shock. Yes, yes, I know, should not complain, I am lucky, can cope for the most part...just haven't had a major crash for such a long time, it's a bit overwhelming.
Would be funny to go out into the world and start shooting off the F word everytime I felt like it. Tourettes style.
If only the world knew how draining it was to try and interact on their level for the most part....does my head in. I like living in black and white...it's so much easier to put things in their boxes...
Did anything happen that precipitated this, or was it just too much stuff to deal with over the holidays?
I am in the midst of holidays at the moment...which, although I desperately needed to have a break from work, the downside is two things;
1. When I am at work, there's structure and consistency and I call most of the shots...so I guess there is order in my world. When I am on holidays, I usually do the same thing and have a structure of things I want to do and get done. I haven't really done that this time, so maybe that's thrown me a little. I don't feel relaxed or rejuvenated at all.
2. When I am on holidays, I usually do things that I find enjoyable, so I have been to the beach, painted a lot, but what I have found in the past week is, I really don't want to go back to work, I want to lose myself in a million new interests that have captured my attention. And of course, as usual, I want to throw myself into them, but know that work is just a week away. I wish I didn't have to make money the way I do anymore. I think I kind of want to run away and life a gentler life, if that makes sense. And the thought of going back to work next week is making me feel miserable.
And on top of the first two points, of course, I have met someone that I like, and that has probably stressed me a lot. I would prefer to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, and usually I would have no qualms in doing that. (Wonderful girl I am.) But I am at odds with hurting his feelings. Now, I know this sounds quite weird...or perhaps not on this site
But history suggests to me that when I tell people to fuck off, it's usually the catalyst to them realising how direct they need to be to convince me that they are worth my time.
Sooo...again this may not make sense, but this guy appears fairly caring, if I explained the Ass Burger situation he would most likely understand. But my overwhelming desire, as fucking usual is to tell him to fuck off. It's just too draining.
The other thing I suppose is that it's the first Christmas I have looked forward to since my Mother died on Christmas day 3 years ago....and I expected too much I think...so there is the fallout from that.
Some of the world does know.
Hope it passes as suddenly as it came upon you.
*tries to make a real smile*
Thanks DD, that's very sweet.
Yes, it will pass suddenly....once I tell this guy to fuck off!
(Couldn't resist some black humour)
And / or, I run away to the hills and live on a farm...
