should you ask me something?

[SovaNu]

that elusive aussie humor.

[Eclair]

thank you! you noticed! i just noticed too!

My pleasure  

Milla, here's a hot Australian guy for you to dribble over and cheer you up.  

[Rabbit From Hell]

i am ok... depressed lately, maybe it's the winter, so called winter, but it gets dark. still drinking, just had three beers and have two more in the fridge. i drink as much as i can afford and stuff, so it's not too much.

i always feel like i'm going crazy but lately i've been entertaining some suicidal thoughts, purely fantasy as i can't leave before i watch my TV shows... i find myself hoping there was a way to die anyhow. maybe it's cabin fever and feeling like things are only gonna get worse with the move. i'm afraid moving will make me crazy cuz i'm so OCD as it is.

If I could I would be there for you.  I would feel like I had a purpose to my life.

[Calandale]

He is kinda cute.

[renaeden]

yes i love winter but the darkness affects me. during the day when it's bright i feel alive and happy. winter is very bright too. and when there's snow  the world dazzles. but there's no snow now.

i find if i fantasize about things outside tv, i get depressed because i know i can't have anything outside tv. not until i die. so i focus on the one thing i can have. that distracts me. it's ok though. and thanks for the advice, you're right, i shouldn't project my idea of the future, the future doesn't exist.

Go outside during the day. Get your daylight fix. Then when it is dark watch tv and feel happy because you're doing something comforting even though it is dark.

Have you seen anyone about your depression and ocd lately?

[SovaNu]

thank you! you noticed! i just noticed too!

My pleasure 

Milla, here's a hot Australian guy for you to dribble over and cheer you up. 

lol i meant that Cal noticed my 10001 posts. i wasn't that excited over being a derelict.

thanks for the video! what band is that? i like the song. and the guy is hawt. the song reminds me of Pixies.

you're today's video queen.

If I could I would be there for you.  I would feel like I had a purpose to my life.

aww. if i could i would let you. i hope you'll find someone who appreciates you.

[SovaNu]

Go outside during the day. Get your daylight fix. Then when it is dark watch tv and feel happy because you're doing something comforting even though it is dark.

yeah that's what i try to do.

i don't consider myself depressed and there's no cure for OCD so i haven't seen anyone. and doctors scare me.

[renaeden]

Doctors scare me a bit too. And I get belligerent at them which does not help me.

Have you had bad experiences with doctors?

Some OCD treatment is behavioural. Change something you do, in turn that changes the way you feel about things.
I have done this for my depression but I need encouragement sometimes. Because I fall back into the pit so fast.

[Eclair]

thank you! you noticed! i just noticed too!

My pleasure 

Milla, here's a hot Australian guy for you to dribble over and cheer you up. 

lol i meant that Cal noticed my 10001 posts. i wasn't that excited over being a derelict.

thanks for the video! what band is that? i like the song. and the guy is hawt. the song reminds me of Pixies.

you're today's video queen.

If I could I would be there for you.  I would feel like I had a purpose to my life.

aww. if i could i would let you. i hope you'll find someone who appreciates you.

You are right, I was listening to The Pixies today.  I have played some songs over and over and over today and I feel much better.

I'm sorry you are feeling down Milla.  Hard.  

[SovaNu]

Doctors scare me a bit too. And I get belligerent at them which does not help me.

Have you had bad experiences with doctors?

Some OCD treatment is behavioural. Change something you do, in turn that changes the way you feel about things.
I have done this for my depression but I need encouragement sometimes. Because I fall back into the pit so fast.

i refuse to do behavioral therapy.

yeah i get uppity with doctors cuz they want me to be stupid and they don't like it when i tell them what i want.

as for depression, i don't know if i'm depressed. i mean, i have nothing to compare my feelings, if you don't count childhood, which was the happiest of my life, even though i had problems then, everything was brighter and more magical and more vivid and i felt more. now i'm a zombie, avoiding feelings cuz i feel like i can't handle them anymore. and i'm catatonic, exhausted, just want to avoid the physical world. i think i'm close to being done, in some way. like i'm tired of being me. and living my life. tired of the battle. life isn't supposed to be like this. but there's not much i can do except keep fighting. it's all any of us can do short of giving up or going insane.

[SovaNu]

You are right, I was listening to The Pixies today.  I have played some songs over and over and over today and I feel much better.

I'm sorry you are feeling down Milla.  Hard.   

that song makes me feel better, actually.

thanks for the hug.

[renaeden]

I wish I could help but I don't know how to. I hope you don't give up on yourself. I don't know you that well, if I were there I could probably help. I hate being far away. People here on Intensity are becoming better friends than real life ones.

I feel you are stuck in a rut. Your family is not helping? A positive change in your life would be good, something different that you like, a change you make for yourself. And you don't have to go without tv.

[Eclair]

You are right, I was listening to The Pixies today.  I have played some songs over and over and over today and I feel much better.

I'm sorry you are feeling down Milla.  Hard.   

that song makes me feel better, actually.

thanks for the hug.

Sorry Milla, I didn't answer your question about the band, they are called End Of Fashion.

[BadgerTom]

apt band name..... sounds pretty defining too

[SovaNu]

thanks for the info, Eclair. i'll check them out.

I wish I could help but I don't know how to. I hope you don't give up on yourself. I don't know you that well, if I were there I could probably help. I hate being far away. People here on Intensity are becoming better friends than real life ones.

I feel you are stuck in a rut. Your family is not helping? A positive change in your life would be good, something different that you like, a change you make for yourself. And you don't have to go without tv.

yeah i'm in a rut, but as an aspie i like my rut. even though it is ... well, it's got its problem areas. like feeling like i'm in a prison. even more though i'm afraid of any changes to this rut, i need to control my surroundings. i'm so high strung with this OCD, i mean i appear calm and i am, but if anything changes i crumble. i'm like a house of cards. just waiting for the fall. i have no foundation.

i'm in a holding pattern, so changes i would make for myself... i see no point in anything. like buying new DVDs or starting to paint or anything, i know it'll just go down when the bottom falls out and there'll be more to lose. it's like i'm afraid to move. can't do anything new or i'll wake the beast. i dunno what the beast is, other than my fucked up mind. i think maybe i need to go on anti-psychotics. they would zombify but maybe i would be safer. i dunno. i'm just tired of being scared. prolly need to see a shrink to get zombie pills.

don't worry about me though, there's nothing you could do even if you were here. but thanks for caring.