...
Side note,
In a divorce here, custody over kids is shared custody by default. Equal rights to custody for both parents. In practice this often does still mean that kids are more with one parent than with the other, because of practical reasons. But when it comes to custody, it is default. Other arrangements are exceptions.
Spoken like a dumb female...
Never lived in Virginia, huh?
I believe Hyke is an intelligent female who lives in the Netherlands. She said, "in a divorce here custody over kids is shared custody by default."
In your own divorce where there was a question of custody, you gained custody of your daughter so why are you so upset about this issue?
Here is an answer from the Findlaw site regarding child custody automatically being awarded to mothers, although the actual law does vary betwen the states:
Do mothers automatically receive custody?
No. Under the laws of almost all states, mothers and fathers have an equal right to custody. Courts are not supposed to assume that a child is automatically better off with the mother or the father. Of course, judges, like the rest of us, are products of their background and personal experience. Some judges may have a deep-seated belief that mothers can take care of children better than fathers and that fathers have little experience in parenting. Conversely, some judges may believe that fathers are automatically better at raising boys--particularly older boys. Judges with such biases may apply these views when they decide custody cases, although they are supposed to base decisions on the facts of each case and not on automatic presumptions. As a group, judges are fair and unbiased in their decisions, and the level of bias is less than it was in years past. Bias on the part of individual judges can be avoided if the parents are able to decide between themselves what the custody or parenting arrangements should be.
In a contested custody case, both the father and mother have an equal burden of proving to the court that it is in the best interest of the child that the child be in his or her custody. There are a couple of states that have laws providing that if everything else is equal, the mother may be preferred; but even in those states, many fathers have been successful in obtaining custody.
In many states, judges are more likely to award custody of children to the primary caregiver, which would be the mother in many cases, but not necessarily. I found this checklist (I don't know why changing diapers is listed twice):
When parents cannot agree on a custody arrangement, the court is left with a tough decision. The court will consider many factors when deciding to whom to award custody. In many cases, a consideration of the various factors results in an award of custody to the parent who has been the child's primary caretaker. The following checklist can help you and your attorney establish who has been the primary caretaker in your family.
Who was usually or most often responsible for performing the following childcare responsibilities?
Task Mother Father Shared
Feeding infant ______ ______ ______
Feeding younger children ______ ______ ______
Changing diapers ______ ______ ______
Holding/cuddling ______ ______ ______
Preparing meals ______ ______ ______
Packing lunches ______ ______ ______
Grocery shopping ______ ______ ______
Changing diapers ______ ______ ______
Dressing ______ ______ ______
Doing laundry ______ ______ ______
Buying clothing ______ ______ ______
Maintaining clothing ______ ______ ______
Bathing ______ ______ ______
Washing hair ______ ______ ______
Styling hair ______ ______ ______
Brushing teeth (help with or enforce) ______ ______ ______
Putting to bed ______ ______ ______
Reading stories, books ______ ______ ______
Helping with homework ______ ______ ______
Taking to/picking up from school ______ ______ ______
Taking to/picking up from extracurricular activities ______ ______ ______
Conferencing with teachers ______ ______ ______
Attending school open houses ______ ______ ______
School volunteering ______ ______ ______
Choosing schools ______ ______ ______
Helping choose classes ______ ______ ______
Attending PTA/PTO meetings ______ ______ ______
Taking to/picking up from religious services ______ ______ ______
Taking to/picking up from religious classes ______ ______ ______
Taking to/picking up from sports activities ______ ______ ______
Coaching sports teams ______ ______ ______
Taking to/picking up from lessons ______ ______ ______
Taking to/picking up from play dates ______ ______ ______
Arranging play dates ______ ______ ______
Hosting play dates ______ ______ ______
Taking to/picking up from birthday parties ______ ______ ______
Hosting birthday parties ______ ______ ______
Shopping for gifts for friends ______ ______ ______
Shopping for gifts for child ______ ______ ______
Shopping for school supplies ______ ______ ______
Shopping for toiletries ______ ______ ______
Taking to doctor ______ ______ ______
Taking to dentist ______ ______ ______
Taking to orthodontist ______ ______ ______
Making doctor/dentist appointments ______ ______ ______
Taking care of sick child ______ ______ ______
Hiring babysitters ______ ______ ______
Picking up/dropping off babysitter ______ ______ ______
Arranging daycare ______ ______ ______
Taking to/picking up from daycare ______ ______ ______
Planning holidays ______ ______ ______
Planning vacations ______ ______ ______
Teaching values ______ ______ ______
Teaching manners ______ ______ ______
Monitoring chores ______ ______ ______
Teaching sex education ______ ______ ______
Taking to park ______ ______ ______
Playing with indoors ______ ______ ______
Playing with outdoors ______ ______ ______
Cleaning home ______ ______ ______
Maintaining home ______ ______ ______
Other (please list):
________________________________ ______ ______ ______
________________________________ ______ ______ ______
Maybe this is why you are upset. If a family had an arrangement where the mother was the primary caregiver and the father was not, then the mother in that family would probably be more likely to be awarded physical custody by a judge in a divorce, assuming all other factors were equal.
Thank you Callaway.
Here is the Netherlands indeed. There is a difference in custody and caretaking. Custody is shared by default, unless there are strong reasons to act differently. Like abuse. Caretaking, well, more and more co-parenting is happening, possible if parents still both live in a reasonable distance from the school of the kids. In that case children spend half of their time with each parent. For the rest, yes, more kids end up having more time with their mothers than with their fathers. Because of practicalities. Dads having bigger jobs etc. Not fair. I agree. But it still happens. From 12 years on children have their own say in where they want to be, with their dad or with their mum.
And I've seen awful behaviour, both of dads and mums, to get the kids with them. Mudslinging, false accusations, bribing of kids. But most of the time it goes OK. And lots of couples that split up hire just one lawyer, representing both parties.
My ex and I were/are aiming at co-parenting. But the way my ex is now, that's not an option. He admits that himself too. Maybe he'll be more stable, once he lives on his own for a while. I sure hope so. For the kids and for him.
And about 'dumb female'. Since it is coming from you DriftingBlizzard, I take it as coming from you. Suspecting you think that of almost all women, by default. 
I offer my sincerest appologies to everyone but Hykeswell. I didn't mean for that comment to be taken as an insult to anyone but her. She said something, no matter where she is from as if it is a truth everywhere. That's why I said its a dumb comment. And she is female.
And for her to infer that I meant every woman was dumb is just Biggotted and sexist. Its like if I said, 'there goes a green car" she was inferring that I thought all cars were green. nope, just her's. And anyone is welcome to come to her defense, but I stand by my comment. In the known galaxay, women have by far ended up with the kids more often that not. Its the default judgement especially in tough cases. The tie usually goes to the woman. period.
So now, I guess I have to award her with the second serving of that's another dumb comment. See bolding above.
I still think the only relation you cannot walk out, is the one with a siamese sibling.
But that does not mean that walking out of relations is easy.
I reacted on your post, because you made it as if any relation was easy to walk out, except the one with legal entanglements. That I do wholeheartedly disagree with. There are many ways to be entangled in a relation. Not only legal. And all can be hard to end. And even when all entanglements have ended, still responsibility, loyalty and practical reasons can make it hard to walk out of something that is no relation anymore.
Further I am well aware that women do often end up with the kids. And I do think that that is a major injustice. When a couple breaks up, it's the couple that breaks up. And denying the kids to see their dad, it is mostly the dad that suffers from a treatment like that, is denying children to see half of their origin. Raising kids while slandering the other parent, happening both ways a lot , is slandering half of the kids themselves. Then their origin is slandered. As if they are only loved for half of who they are. Very unfair.
Kids have a right to both parents, if possible. It is sad, and cruel, when a parent is not allowed to see his kids. Sadder even more when he or she does not want to see the kids anymore. Because the child can not even dream of it happening one day then.
The joint custody by default is not that old here in the Netherlands in legislation. But I'm glad it's there. It is a step in the right direction I think.
