Funny adds on Craigslist

[Natalia Evans]

big ass tv!

52 in zenith projection tv w/ remoste. all audio and plugs in good working order but the picture went out and i dont have the know how to fix it! maybe you do or maybe you just need some target practice. come get it and its yours. will delete the ad when the tv is gone. thanks

 

Someone wants to get rid of their large chunk of grass

Large Pampas Grass - SE Portland - You dig and haul

Looks like someone took all their CDs out of the cases and put them in their CD storage case and now they don't want those cases anymore.

Do you need a kitchen garbage bag full of fine quality plastic CD cases? You do? Wonderful, cause we've got em. If we don't hear from anyone they're going to bulk plastic recycling. Seriously, I don't know if anyone actually uses these things.

32 gallon plastic garbage cans

We have 3 32 gallon plastic garbage cans that were only used for yard debris. They have been well used, but still have there lids. We just don't need them now that we have the new yard debris cans from waste managment.

Does that mean they are going to ask for them back when they do? 


DIRT

i have a lot of dirt in a green yard debris can outside my house. i would love if you could come and get it.

I find it funny how people get rid of their dirt like that. Who would want it?


Free Clean Fill Dirt

Approx 4 cubic yards of clean fill available from yard in preperation for landscaping work.

The fill is piled along the street for easy pick-up.

You will need to haul as we do not have capability to deliver.

I am located in the Sellwood/Westmoreland neighborhood of Portland. If interested please respond and will send specific location.

I didn't know dirt can be clean  If so then why do we get dirty with it? 

 
 

[Pyraxis]

If it's rich soil it would be useful to people with gardens.

Their stuff just sounds like ordinary dirt though.

[DirtDawg]

Free Clean Fill Dirt

Approx 4 cubic yards of clean fill available from yard in preperation for landscaping work.

The fill is piled along the street for easy pick-up.

You will need to haul as we do not have capability to deliver.

I am located in the Sellwood/Westmoreland neighborhood of Portland. If interested please respond and will send specific location.

I didn't know dirt can be clean  If so then why do we get dirty with it? 

 

... a true classic!

"clean fill dirt"  means soil that is mostly free of construction junk, suck as broken bricks, mortar, rocks, etc.


Clean soil for gardening would require some "pasteurization" in order to kill micro-organisms which could transmit disease to newly germinated seedlings. It's a stinky business. Better to buy prepared germination mix, than "clean" your own soil. Compost is the best known conditioning for gardening soil. It buffers pH, supplies nutriments, retains moisture, allows air to circulate around the roots and lightens the texture of the soil.

I am teh CompostK9!
I know this stuff.

[Natalia Evans]

Another funny thing:

Need to get rid of telephone pole log to make way for fence.

8 Feet long, 12 inches wide. Great for landscaping.

Telling people what they can do with it but how did it get there? Just move the damn log to make room for the fence.



It's fun to look on Craigslist at the free stuff. I find some funny adds on there.

[Icequeen]

fair.

sweet home scam artist (come to the city )

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Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-07-09, 2:46PM EDT



the guy that is selling this epiphone is trying to scam people by selling a guitar that supposedly lists for $1150 with a hardshell case for $2500, when you can clearly buy it online or else where for no more than $600. it's selling on ebay right now for $425. so buyers beware. and to you, you retarded hick. go trying pawning off your "untouched by human hands" pieces of shit else where. i'm sure the guys from Skynyrd would kick your ass if they new you were disgracing their good names with your bullshit attempts to rip people off. and if you want to come to the city, i'll put your teeth down your throat.   
 

Better.

Makita electric car waxer 12V - $20

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Reply to: sale-742002412@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-03, 7:46PM EDT



For sale Makita electric car waxer 12V plugs in cigarette lighter.

works fine nearly new never used received it as a gift years ago only

$15 first come first serve

Notice to the asshole fuck heads who keep flagging this item.....Yes it is a tool however you use it to Wax your fucking car which is why it is in the auto parts section. Waxer is not new I am not a store just a schmo like you who wants to clear shit out of the basement.   
 

And the winner is:

1995 F150 v8 4x4, auto, xlt, ext cab, 6' bed - $1100 (burgettstown, pa)

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Reply to: sale-767801747@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-24, 4:34AM EDT



1995 ford f-150, 302, auto, xlt, ext cab, push button 4 wheel drive, a/c, power mirrors (RARE), new brakes, new rear shackles and shackle mounts.

This truck is really nice for those who think that a solid vehicle is really nice. It has 200K miles on it, but has a newer engine, tranny, and a bunch of other stuff. This truck made a trip to california state last year. it did fine. it has some rust on the body, but I have parts to go with it. I started fixing the rear bedside that was bad (actually both are bad, and I have some part so the other side can be fixed.) I never finished, so unless you are a welder or have a solution to fixiing the bedside, don't reply. Please.

The rear shackles were rusted through, but I put $200+ in new ford parts on it to fix that. I also drove the truck quite a bit until my dad gave me his F350. That's when I gave up on fixing this truck. It could have been a very nice truck, but I got another so eff it, it's going back on CL where I bought it.

I will also give you new fenders for it. the ones on it have some rust, so I got 2 new ones. Driving it around, I foudn the headlights to be out of adjustment. I tried adjusting, but found the adjusters to be bad, so $50 later, I have a bag of new ones that go with it.

A roofer owned it befor eme, and they love tar, so you get some free tar in teh cab on the carpeted floor. They also love silicone, so, the removed roof visor was fixed by filling the holes with a bunch of crap. the roof looks like someone took a dump on it.

The windshield is cracked but will pass inspection according to someone who does that.

The engine is really good, and probably would run if there was an nuclear explosion beside it. There is a vacuum leak somewhere and the heater controls only blow tot he windshield. This is no big deal. You just need to put some duct tape on that or whatever.

The truck is mechanically sound, except the 4wd hubs which sound like my ex-g/f during anal sex. lots of screaching when the push button 4wd is engaged. just do like I did and ignore the screams and keep on humping. better yet, turn up the radio and yell, "yeah, you like that bitch?!"

This thing could be put on the road and driven as is. You could...

but, the brakes are weak because some a-hole didn't bleed them when they put a new line on. I have brand new rear dums for both sides and shoes. This alone is worth a bunch of cash and I would just slap it all on ebay, but I figured you could have it for when the truck turns over 300K miles and you need to redo the brakes.

I have a bunch of stuff that goes witht he truck.
adjusters for headlights, brakes, steel panels for rust repair, fenders.

but, you will probably need to buy something else. I am sure there is something else that needs replaced because you probably have bad luck with stuff, and you will find somethign else.

This truck hauls

I did firewood with it all winter long and I loved it. I used to shout obsceneties at passing motorists just because I felt powerful with 1500 lbs of firewood in the bed. The push button 4wd also made me lazy, so you might want a gym membership to compensate for the lack of exercise from not having to get out the cab and lock int eh hubs and pull up on the transfer case shifter.

did I mention this truck blows? yeah the ac blows really cold. it's awesome.

So, aside from the stuff I mentioned above, this truck could be quite a gem. I liked it and would have finished fixing it and drove it around, except I now have an f350 diesel that eats little children and makes people at bus stops turn around and look at me, as if I were the bus they were waiting for.

If you come to look at the truck, be advised that I am a terrible terrible person who has no remorse and I don't care if you are broke and living off welfare. I myself am not financially comfortable so the sympathy will be limited to fake "aww" noises. IF you show up, and don't have cash in your pocket, I will probably ignore you and give you a hard time about yoru appearance. I might even accidentally cough up some phlem on your shoe.

I don't care if you ar ebroke, or depressed, or your wife left you. I am worse off than you, adn I am not gonna ask you for a hand-out or sympathy. I am letting you know now, that, if you call me, or show up and just want to tell me about a 95 f150 you had, and how great it was, and just want to bs... well, I am afraid I will have to woo yoru closest female relative, marry her, and become the worst in-law you ever had.

bottom line, just read this description, call me if it doesn't scare you, come see it if I don't scare you on the phone, and if after you see it and me in person, it doesn't offend you, buy it. IF you come to see it and you think it sucks, don't tell me. Just walk away and I will understand.

If you feel like offering me some cash for the truck, do it. If I don't like your offer, I will probably just turn around and walk away from you. I might fart in your direction at this time. don't make a fuss, just take shallow breaths and get in your car and leave. no hard feelings. BTW: This truck gets 21 mpg for those of you who are scared by the v8. the I-6 engien is only 2 cubic inches of difference. That's right the 302 is just 2 cubic inches of difference from the I-6 300. If you want more than 21 mpg, you probably shouldn't buy a truck this big. no big deal. try driving a diesel when diesel is $1 more per gallon than a gasoline vehicle. Now that 420,000 gal of diesel spilled in teh mississippi, I am sure diesel will not get any cheaper.


I am not a bank and I don't take payments. Unless you have a case of beer and a bunch of old farm machinery to trade, just don't ask me to do anything accept take your cash and sign the free and clear title over to you.


Thanks.

Oh, and if you call this number before 10 am, I swear I will find you and make you listen to Starland Vocal Band until you bleed from your pores. I will.. I swear.

Pittsburgh always has the best ads.  :lol:

[Gluey]

What the hell? ahahahaahhaahah!
I want that grass.

[Teejay]

If somebody wants to plant Pampas Grass all they need is to dig that out and plant it in their garden. CD cases are useful if you want something to put cd's you have burned in, 32 gallon garage cans be used for a while range of purposes, dirt can be use to improve the soil of gardens.

[driftingblizzard]

What the hell? ahahahaahhaahah!
I want that grass.

You mean the grass that the guy selling the F150 was smoking!   

[Parts]

Just found this one

Just fucking fuck me, already.
Date: 2008-02-03, 3:29PM PST


Dear Men of Craigslist,

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight."
"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"
"I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who. ----------------------------------------------------

*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person. **Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.